Read the poem Chipmunk Prince wrote for his Princess tonight, and felt especially sentimental. It's so beautifully written, each word combined with another to bring forth such meaning and depth of expression. I was never quite someone into poetry, but I have come to truly appreciate what he writes daily. That's because of the story and reason behind each poem - that makes it meaningful to me, compared to just reading a book of poems.
For tonight's poem, these few lines stood out to me and triggered such emotions within me. Because I could relate to it.. because that is how I am feeling - the melancholy of Autumn and the fear that the heartwarming fuzzy romance of summer is over.
Excerpt from Poem :
"My Big Smile For You In Return"
Wrapped in the spring wind,
Describing a far-away dream,
The white clouds of summer scatter and vanish
Autumn sky, so full of sorrow;
Winter sea, so brim with chill
Losing ourselves in the passing of time
Really nice way of using the seasons.
Sigh.... (-.+)
For tonight's poem, these few lines stood out to me and triggered such emotions within me. Because I could relate to it.. because that is how I am feeling - the melancholy of Autumn and the fear that the heartwarming fuzzy romance of summer is over.
Excerpt from Poem :
"My Big Smile For You In Return"
Wrapped in the spring wind,
Describing a far-away dream,
The white clouds of summer scatter and vanish
Autumn sky, so full of sorrow;
Winter sea, so brim with chill
Losing ourselves in the passing of time
Really nice way of using the seasons.
Sigh.... (-.+)
I've always love Autumn. I love the season... and have always find it romantic. With the Autumn leaves falling, turning red.. I've always dreamed that I'll walk hand in hand with my darling, through the path lined with rows of autumn trees, Maple trees perhaps. Enjoying the coolness and chilling breeze, huddling close to each other.. and embracing in deep sweet loving kisses. ^.^ ... mmmm... so romantic~.
But right now, after a brief taste of summer sweetness, and just right after I began to entertain possibilities and embrace a new hope... just as emotions began to be unlocked, anticipation & heart rate accelerated, sweetness of soul well up and passion fire arose - I found myself suddenly in the shadows and cold silence. When I shout, I do not seem to hear anymore resounding echoes. What happened? I'm thinking too much again, am I? I'm being oversenstive, am I? But do I deny my intuition that summer has withdrew itself, leaving me to deal with the void - or do I begin to find excuses and reasons to deceive myself? However, I do know and am aware that sometimes the other priorities of life takes over and seize our time and focus away. Yet, the contrast is so great that I find myself unable to cope. At a moment when I needed him badly... I could only sense the distance - and the disappointment of his unavailability.
What happened to the daily sms of warm greetings and cheeky sweet nothings? What happened to random phonecalls? That is even before feelings were discovered. Shouldn't it be consistent or increase with intensity now that we both have crossed the line? Does slowing down mean full stop? Of course, it doesn't help the situation where we have an added complication of a mutual acquaintance sowing discord and shooting flaming arrows. Sigh...
I guess, I have to remind myself this : Attraction does not equal to Love. Sometimes, a man may feel strong attraction for a woman, but it only drives him to want to know her and know more about what makes her unique, and if she fits into his picture and his world. And with the knowing, attraction may fade or end abruptly (Oh dear... I hope this is not what happened. hehehe~!). Or, the attraction will blossom and grow, turning the connection into mutual affection, mutual love - where love is not just a feeling, but also a choice, a committment, an action, a reason for living, a fulfillment, a union. etc......
And I need to remain positive in my mindset. If a man who was attracted to me withdrew after knowing me better.. it is not such a negative thing. It simply means he knows what he wants, and he realises that I am not what he wants - and we are just not compatible, no need to try too hard, and better make things clear than lead each other on. Vice versa. That is why it is always wiser to take things slower and take the needed time to know the person better.
But yes, that's my logical mind speaking. What's my heart saying? Well, its not saying anything. It's SCREAMING!!!!!!! It's screaming and yelling "bullshit!!! go!!! chase!!! run after it!!! dive in!!! immerse yourself in it!!! let passion burn and consume!!! don't think so much!!! Seize the day!!! Cherish the moment!!! Come what may.......!!!! "
Sigh.. the head or the heart?
I know we both agreed on the right thing to do : to remain as friends for now, and take things slower.
Sigh.. yet, I'm struggling terribly. I'm in contradiction with myself !! I felt disappointed that he agreed to slow things down!! (hahaha... terrible lah we woman, this also wrong that also wrong then how?!!). Within me passion and desires are roaring waves ready to consume and devour!! My soul felt vexed with the internal war! My emotions are driving me nuts!! And the head - fortunately - the head is still in charge. Still in control.
He said that night.. that he dont wanna to let me go. That I am the kinda gal he wants... for a girlfriend, for a wife. I was melting, becuase he sounded so genuine, so true, so sincere .... in the midst of all the confusion. ARRRRRGGGGHHHHHHH~!!!!! But right now, I felt as though I've been let go!!! Without a struggle!!! Sigh, ... I dont blame him lah. I can't blame him. I will just have to take the responsibility and also not let this be a blow. Who knows? He still mean it..? Who knows? Tomorrow is a mystery...
But I know, if i continue to dwell on this train of negative thinking, I will once again feel the pain of rejection and abandonment, and have to face my own personal demons. Again. I must turn away. I must rise above. I must stop these thoughts once they surface. I must embrace the positive voice. I must silence the negative me.
I WILL BE STRONG!!!!! and I WILL HAVE COURAGE!!!!!
I must not crumble and fall into dark moods each time romance come and go.
I must not turn into an emotional wreck and insecure neurotic needy frightened animal each time I start having feelings for somebody.
I am doing so much better now - as compared to the past... so much in control, so much in self-awareness.
Yet, I do wonder .. if I'm ready, when true love comes my way.
I still have not yet been involved in a healthy wholesome love relationship.
Am I a problem?
I longed to be embraced, to be told that its alright.. I'll be safe. He'll take care of me and protect me, be there for me to lean on. I dreamed of flowers, sweet kisses, loving kindness and happy laughter. Naughty playful moments, intense passionate intimacy (yeah yeah i meant sex, mating, love-making, humping! LOL!!), or quiet moments just enjoying each other's presense..
Fantasy?
Well, no harm dreaming.
I envy the Princess of Cresent Soar - where the Chipmunk Prince reinforce and declare his promises night after night after night. That he will never give up on her, that he will never let go, that he will always be there. And he have also inked his body permanently, symbols of his objective in seeking the Princess' happiness and recovery, and the most recent tattoo signifying Faith, Hope, Strength for the Princess and the promise of ever being there for her, with her so she's not alone, and to catch her if she falls. This is a man who not only speaks it, but he backs it up with actions.
Men say things at the spur of the moment, I guess. They meant it when they say it. But Grrrrr~!! I must learn not to be naive (how old already!!??? huh??). It is easy make promises, express desires, words are cheap. People forget. They can also free to change their mind. Yet, so often I play the promises in my mind... and embraced the hope, looking forward to fulfillment. Only to be disappointed. Is it me? Then perhaps I need to kill hope. Not to allow myself to have expectations.
I dont know WTF I'm writing actually. Just any thoughts that floats up to my mind at the moment, translating into text onscreen.
I guess, sometimes the wait is necessary. And I must make best use of the wait to better myself. To sort out personal issues, to continue to learn how to love myself, and have the right mindset and approach to matters of the heart.
There's still a long way to go for me.
This time, I've met someone who has many qualities I have always wanted to have in my life partner. If it didn't progress, I'll just have to keep walking this journey alone and not give up hope - till I encounter another. It will only get better, I hope haha!!
But yes, compared to the sorry asses I've given my heart to in the past, the quality is getter better and better. haha!!
THERE IS HOPE FOR ME!!!!
Well, I must get better and better too! ^.^
Felt better now after another "whining" session. At least some of the internal gyrations ,thoughts & emotions are sorted out.
Over the next week, I dont expect anything to improve or happen. I guess, lets call it the lack of faith. But I will do some reading up on some of those ebooks I have. Need to refresh my memory, and some I've bought but not read. Need to help myself and feed on the wisdom of others.
To be fair to him, I do know that he is genuinely busy with work and the committment required for his new businesses. I dont think I was part of his plan for this time and perhaps I was just a little crush that happened unexpectedly. Now it is necessary to refocus on responsibilities and work. He had said, that he needs only me to stand by him (when I ask if there's anything I can do to help). I think, the last thing he needs now is a whiny needy woman that is attention seeking and emotionally high maintenance. Therefore, I will let it go, and return to my good old self, which is definitely more light-hearted, funky, zany and attractive.
It's mum's birthday tomorrow - 11 June. I'm on leave, and will spend some time to make her day. =^^= (and i better start bloggin the happy stuff, I've been accused of character assasination and whining blah blah blah by a stranger - but if I'm not wrong, most of the time, the character I assasinate here is my own. So WTF!!)
Ok, time to Zzz. All these late nights are turning me into a panda. Wohoe~!!
I guess, I have to remind myself this : Attraction does not equal to Love. Sometimes, a man may feel strong attraction for a woman, but it only drives him to want to know her and know more about what makes her unique, and if she fits into his picture and his world. And with the knowing, attraction may fade or end abruptly (Oh dear... I hope this is not what happened. hehehe~!). Or, the attraction will blossom and grow, turning the connection into mutual affection, mutual love - where love is not just a feeling, but also a choice, a committment, an action, a reason for living, a fulfillment, a union. etc......
And I need to remain positive in my mindset. If a man who was attracted to me withdrew after knowing me better.. it is not such a negative thing. It simply means he knows what he wants, and he realises that I am not what he wants - and we are just not compatible, no need to try too hard, and better make things clear than lead each other on. Vice versa. That is why it is always wiser to take things slower and take the needed time to know the person better.
But yes, that's my logical mind speaking. What's my heart saying? Well, its not saying anything. It's SCREAMING!!!!!!! It's screaming and yelling "bullshit!!! go!!! chase!!! run after it!!! dive in!!! immerse yourself in it!!! let passion burn and consume!!! don't think so much!!! Seize the day!!! Cherish the moment!!! Come what may.......!!!! "
Sigh.. the head or the heart?
I know we both agreed on the right thing to do : to remain as friends for now, and take things slower.
Sigh.. yet, I'm struggling terribly. I'm in contradiction with myself !! I felt disappointed that he agreed to slow things down!! (hahaha... terrible lah we woman, this also wrong that also wrong then how?!!). Within me passion and desires are roaring waves ready to consume and devour!! My soul felt vexed with the internal war! My emotions are driving me nuts!! And the head - fortunately - the head is still in charge. Still in control.
He said that night.. that he dont wanna to let me go. That I am the kinda gal he wants... for a girlfriend, for a wife. I was melting, becuase he sounded so genuine, so true, so sincere .... in the midst of all the confusion. ARRRRRGGGGHHHHHHH~!!!!! But right now, I felt as though I've been let go!!! Without a struggle!!! Sigh, ... I dont blame him lah. I can't blame him. I will just have to take the responsibility and also not let this be a blow. Who knows? He still mean it..? Who knows? Tomorrow is a mystery...
But I know, if i continue to dwell on this train of negative thinking, I will once again feel the pain of rejection and abandonment, and have to face my own personal demons. Again. I must turn away. I must rise above. I must stop these thoughts once they surface. I must embrace the positive voice. I must silence the negative me.
I WILL BE STRONG!!!!! and I WILL HAVE COURAGE!!!!!
I must not crumble and fall into dark moods each time romance come and go.
I must not turn into an emotional wreck and insecure neurotic needy frightened animal each time I start having feelings for somebody.
I am doing so much better now - as compared to the past... so much in control, so much in self-awareness.
Yet, I do wonder .. if I'm ready, when true love comes my way.
I still have not yet been involved in a healthy wholesome love relationship.
Am I a problem?
I longed to be embraced, to be told that its alright.. I'll be safe. He'll take care of me and protect me, be there for me to lean on. I dreamed of flowers, sweet kisses, loving kindness and happy laughter. Naughty playful moments, intense passionate intimacy (yeah yeah i meant sex, mating, love-making, humping! LOL!!), or quiet moments just enjoying each other's presense..
Fantasy?
Well, no harm dreaming.
I envy the Princess of Cresent Soar - where the Chipmunk Prince reinforce and declare his promises night after night after night. That he will never give up on her, that he will never let go, that he will always be there. And he have also inked his body permanently, symbols of his objective in seeking the Princess' happiness and recovery, and the most recent tattoo signifying Faith, Hope, Strength for the Princess and the promise of ever being there for her, with her so she's not alone, and to catch her if she falls. This is a man who not only speaks it, but he backs it up with actions.
Men say things at the spur of the moment, I guess. They meant it when they say it. But Grrrrr~!! I must learn not to be naive (how old already!!??? huh??). It is easy make promises, express desires, words are cheap. People forget. They can also free to change their mind. Yet, so often I play the promises in my mind... and embraced the hope, looking forward to fulfillment. Only to be disappointed. Is it me? Then perhaps I need to kill hope. Not to allow myself to have expectations.
I dont know WTF I'm writing actually. Just any thoughts that floats up to my mind at the moment, translating into text onscreen.
I guess, sometimes the wait is necessary. And I must make best use of the wait to better myself. To sort out personal issues, to continue to learn how to love myself, and have the right mindset and approach to matters of the heart.
There's still a long way to go for me.
This time, I've met someone who has many qualities I have always wanted to have in my life partner. If it didn't progress, I'll just have to keep walking this journey alone and not give up hope - till I encounter another. It will only get better, I hope haha!!
But yes, compared to the sorry asses I've given my heart to in the past, the quality is getter better and better. haha!!
THERE IS HOPE FOR ME!!!!
Well, I must get better and better too! ^.^
Felt better now after another "whining" session. At least some of the internal gyrations ,thoughts & emotions are sorted out.
Over the next week, I dont expect anything to improve or happen. I guess, lets call it the lack of faith. But I will do some reading up on some of those ebooks I have. Need to refresh my memory, and some I've bought but not read. Need to help myself and feed on the wisdom of others.
To be fair to him, I do know that he is genuinely busy with work and the committment required for his new businesses. I dont think I was part of his plan for this time and perhaps I was just a little crush that happened unexpectedly. Now it is necessary to refocus on responsibilities and work. He had said, that he needs only me to stand by him (when I ask if there's anything I can do to help). I think, the last thing he needs now is a whiny needy woman that is attention seeking and emotionally high maintenance. Therefore, I will let it go, and return to my good old self, which is definitely more light-hearted, funky, zany and attractive.
It's mum's birthday tomorrow - 11 June. I'm on leave, and will spend some time to make her day. =^^= (and i better start bloggin the happy stuff, I've been accused of character assasination and whining blah blah blah by a stranger - but if I'm not wrong, most of the time, the character I assasinate here is my own. So WTF!!)
Ok, time to Zzz. All these late nights are turning me into a panda. Wohoe~!!
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