28/12 . Rami

This is Rami. The guy from Greece who played the ice-breaking game with me at www.lovehappens.com. Waaaaaaaaaaahhhhh..... *drool*



But, me not keen on angmoh leh....
We chatted briefly on MSN today. He said he likes my smile wor.. ho ho ho
And he is looking for very serious relationship to build his own warm family. OOOoooooo..... what if he falls in love with me how?

Hee hee. Beggers can't be choosers, right? (haha... KNS)

Well if he falls in love with my picture he can marry my picture lah. Go ahead. It won't grow old. teeheehee...

Ok, how can I be so mean. *evil laughter*
He is really a nice serious guy, but I think .. too serious. Well, too early to tell. But I'd really like a guy who is good with words and can make me laugh heartily. And his english... that is a slight challenge. Communication is vital to me.

Sigh~


************************
Post-Entry Note : (28-Dec-05, 7.20pm)

I really want to curse this man! but yet this is reality!!

All he wanted to confirm is if I am looking for a serious relationship. Of course I am!! And he ask if he were to ask me to go to Greece one day, would I? (before that he was saying over messenger its hard to know your man so well as compared to seeing him). I said, yes if we are good friends, I would, but I can't promise. And with this reply, he ask 'good friends & can't promise..what do you mean?', and he said without waiting for my reply... 'I think you are looking for man in your area, anyway its your choice'. AND THEN HE WENT OFFLINE!!!!

I was a moron to think that we had lost connection, so I sent him an email to explain that its true I'm looking for a man in my country and preferrably my race and speaks my language and have not explored possibilities outside of it. And it takes time to know each other though its tough to do it via messages and emails and inter-racial-cultural relationships will have its set of challenges. I have financial contraints, hence I can't just book a flight and fly over to Greece just to meet him!!!!! Wah lau eh~ And if I do that it'll mean that we're no longer casual friends right? It would mean that I know him so well and like him so much so much I need to meet him to see if we can make it to the next level!!! (of course, I wrote it in a more rational and less-emotional way lah...)

And why did I say I was a moron to send him that nice explanatory email? Well, because, he replied and this what he said (and note the english and lack of punctuation - this is what I meant by 'challenge') :

hi
we did not loose the connection this time but i think that its not fait to talk with u and to waste ur time and mine and for what for nothing i mean u will never come to me and u will never fall in love with me so i dont want to waste ur time
kisses
rami


Anyway, I replied him to express how disappointed I am to learn that he finds it a waste of time to get to know me. Arrrggghhhh~ I feel SO ANAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WAH LAU. How do you love someone without getting to know that person first? Huh? huh? How can it be a waste of time to get to know somebody??? He don't know what he's missing - I'm definitely WORTH getting to know, and it would definitely take time to know me because I'm not so easy to to know - even I am trying to know me! Hymphffrrr..rrrr..rrr!! (Hmmm... ahhhhh... unless they know the "shortcut" - ie. read my blog, hur--hur-hur...).

Clearly.... to me, he don't know how to love, and he definitely does not qualify to be a man fit for me. But on the other hand, he is being very practical, I don't really blame him, but I think I am upset because of the lack of tact he had in handling a lady. He could have said something like.. "well, its nice chatting with you anyway, thanks for taking the time, gotta go... ciao" or something to that effect. The way he went offline is like 'click' - hanging up the phone on someone!! Disappointing!!!! ho kua bo ho jiak~ CHEY! Ah pui ah pui pui pooooooi !!!!!!!!! And what a nasty taste left in the mouth. So disappointing. MEN. No more Greece Men for me. FAMs.

And what a close shave, he might be a real psycho. I think he might potentially be the first psycho or wacko I've met online. Brrrr..rrrr..rrrrr..hhhhh

Hahahah...what an interesting life I have.

27/12 . You've got a friend

Today -- is really a day in which I felt miserable throughout, draining me of energy and motivation to work, even appetite... SIGH~ definitely the entry I made on Tim really brought a major heartache, and the pain throbbed and lasted through the day. To make things worst, it was confirmed that he had thought I was somebody else when he replied my sms, and I guess, its no point meeting up with him for drinks even if he eventually ask. Because I should not try to meet him in such a fragile state, nor should I feed the hope that meeting up would actually revive anything. So, once again, I need to cut the chords.

Supposed to meet a friend to celebrate her birthday this evening - had been trying to get her since beginning of the month - and she sms'd to cancel it. I feel so pissed off!!! Oh,not again!!! I no longer know if she's really having headaches or fevers for real or are these really just lame repeated recycled excuses when she feels lazy to leave home. She said, how about tomorrow, and I really wanna turn sarcastic on her and tell her to pick any day that she's sure won't be having a headache. I definitely feel anal that she thinks I'll give her priority for other days of the week? But donno lah, she might really be having migraine issues. Anyway, I told her 'well maybe next year'. I just have no more fuel nor cheer left to bless her with a birthday meal. Why do I bother? So far it's almost like I can't wait to celebrate her birthday and she's taking it easy. Hmmmm.... sounds familiar, I think its me who needs to change. OK then. Next year 2006, I ought to just bother about people who'd bother about me - people who cares for me, who values me, who was gracious and kind towards me. Forget about those so-called friends who take you for granted.

Just before 6pm I had a short chat with WW over MSN too. The conversation also ended up in pain, but I see it coming. I need to know the truth, even if it means cruel and cold hard truth. And yes, indeed the truth is brutal and shattering. Oh how broken I feel... !!!!!! After the conversation with WW (which perhaps.. should be the last time ever if I want to prevent further aches from this channel), whatever woe and pain that was accumulating and building up in me finally overwhelmed me and I really really need to burst into tears and let it pour...I need to cry.. and need to cry with someone by my side. *sob sob sob*

I think -- this is one of the rare times I needed someone to cry with.. a shoulder to cry on - to have someone to extend some comfort or just be with me. I usually cry while I'm alone or would hide away from my friends when I need to cry.... they'll just learn about it later on or maybe they won't even know I've cried.. (unless the dams broke whilst in the midst of conversations.) And right then at the office, almost 6.30pm, I'm on the verge of bursting into tears and trying my best to hold them back... there are only 3 friends I could think of. One of them stays too far away... Another works just next building but needs to leave for Cityhall to help her sis with some purchases.... and the last friend - which is really a last resort - though working not so far away, was busy and rushing work. O How sad, when you really needed a friend and a shoulder to cry on, no one is available....... :(

But God is good.... I was so glad when my best friend, who works next building whom I ruled out because she's going CityHall, told me she's only gonna be leaving around 8pm! So I asked if I could go over to see her because I needed to cry. Mega thick-skin.. but yeah, I really need someone and a place to cry my heart out. I can't take it anymore. Thank God for her..... she did not hesitate to say its OK. So once she said yes (and confirmed that coast is clear at her office), I shut down the laptop, took my stuff and went over immediately. Yeah, mama-DRAMA. On the way across the fountain square, my tears are already burning in my eyes, and my heart felt like it's splitting into halves. My soul filled with utter disappointments and helplessness, and the minute I stepped into her office, I just started to sob (would love to wail, but that'll be really dramatic). So I cried... and she passed me tissue.. and then bring me a chair (I was standing)... and somehow I felt tickled by my baby-like behaviour that I started laughing at myself. So I did not cry as much as I thought I would. hahahaha..... (yeah, now I could laugh) *_*

And we started talking, she comforted me and asked guiding questions as I try to tell her why I reached breaking point. And after a while, the pain and aches sort of lifted off. And later on, even when I try to feel it again, its not there anymore. SHE'S GOOD. SHE'S VERY VERY VERY GOOD. Waw. Amazing. heh.. but she says its not that she's good leh (wah~ so humble as usual).. she says thatz because I'm easy to cheer (hahah, like babies - distract them while they're crying and they'll be laughing liao).. and that my emotions are fast-come-fast-go mah. HOH? Wah.. That's deep. She must be right. She's the smart one.

After that, we swop feelings and stories and ranted and vented, and then I showed her some of those ice-breakers and messages from guys I received over at 'lovehappens.com' and we had a nice laugh. However, what made the evening fun was that a guy from Greece had sent me an icebreaker within few minutes of me logging in. He's really good-looking, but we're not sure if that's really his picture. hahahhaa... Anyway, we returned an icebreaker from the list of icebreaker lines. Then he returned another one, and so we returned another one, almost playing an icebreaker game, hur-hur. Was enjoying the cheap thrills and feeling back to me old self somewhat. :D And finally, I sent that guy an email, otherwise there'll be no end to it. Btw, when I reached home to check my emails, I actually got a reply from him giving me his MSN and YM address. Well-well.... will chat with him soon and I guess, I'll make another interesting new friend.

And I'd like to thank my friends for being there for me in times of need, no matter how ridiculous I seem. I deeply appreciate you. And I hope you'll do the same - call me - when you need someone you could trust to be there for you... I might not be able to give the best of advice, but I know my presence will help by just being there.

And I dedicate this song to you, my friends:

You've Got A Friend

When you're down and troubled
And you need some loving care
And nothing, nothing is going right
Close your eyes and think of me
And soon I will be there
To brighten up even your darkest night

You just call out my name
And you know wherever I am
I'll come running to see you again
Winter, spring, summer or fall
All you have to do is call
And I'll be there, yes I will
You've got a friend

If the sky above you
Grows dark and full of clouds
And that old north wind begins to blow
Keep your head together
And call my name out loud
Soon you'll hear me knocking at your door

You just call out my name
And you know wherever I am
I'll come running to see you again
Winter, spring, summer or fall
All you have to do is call
And I'll be there

Ain't it good to know that you've got a friend
When people can be so cold
They'll hurt you, and desert you
And take your soul if you let them
Oh, but don't you let them

You just call out my name
And you know wherever I am
I'll come running to see you again
Winter, spring, summer or fall
All you have to do is call
And I'll be there
You've got a friend

26/12 . Tim

Tim.

Sigh~ have been thinking and wondering about him again recently, not all the time, but on and off. He's one I've deliberately blocked out.... because somehow it still aches whenever thoughts of him surfaced. Still have not completely understand why, but more or less I have my conclusions.

I first encounter Tim on 12th April this year. It was over Yahoo Chat. I was curious about the whole chatroom thing when one of my friends told me how she chatted with some guys from Malaysia and other parts of the world ..etc. I thought it's high time I find out what all these chatroom fun is all about. So one night, feeling bored and curious enough, I went to Yahoo and clicked on Chat. Following some simple instructions, I'm registered and I'm in. And I spent perhaps an hour plus visiting and viewing the conversations going on in different chatrooms and found it to be totally boring or meaningless. No one is really chatting in the public view, or I have no clue how to join in the thread of messages, or everyone in the room is private messaging (PM) one another. I received quite a large no. of rude or suggestive PMs and most of them are guys from India. Nothing against guys from India, but somehow after answering a few I got very turned-off, because all they want to know is if I have a picture to send over, a webcam, or if I'm naked or what's my vital statistics. GAH. Just as I was about to turn in for the night and forget about chatrooms or yahoo chats stuff forever, I decided to try one last room. I went to a "Singapore" chatroom, can't remember which, either 'kopithiam' or 'singapore sling' and typed into the general window if there's anyone from Singapore. Hey, it was a Tuesday nite, 2.30am and I doubt anyone in Singapore is awake other than me.

And to my surprise I received a PM window from someone, saying "I am, why?". So I replied, "Oh, bcoz its time to go to bed my dear..". And we began a really interesting and enjoyable conversation. I have no reservations about sharing my thoughts because I guess I feel safe that its just words typed into cyberspace and no personal information is shared. All I know is, we laughed and chatted till 5.30am, unwilling to bring it to a close but have to bcos both of us had to work the next day. He is only 26 or 27 years old, but we really connected.

Over the next few days, we couldn't wait to chat with each other - on my part it is also becos this is new and fun, and we explored deep topics and shared life to some extent, and in a way, he really won my heart over when he started to express attraction for me. And I think, we sort of feel mutually attracted to each other. He even want to date me out despite me saying NO WAY because I'm not sure if it's safe, and he was really good at countering all the hurdles I set up to guard my heart. hahaha... he was really sweet and really funny. And for me, this is the first time ever .... that I am mutually attracted to someone. All my life, it was ALWAYS single-sided crushes. No guy whom I like has ever liked me back. And it felt scary because the feelings communicated is rather strong though we know we had a great age gap, and we've never met face to face, and we're from different churches and backgrounds and have no idea if this would lead to anything serious. It is also the first time I've 'met' any guy who tells me that he finds me special and different from other girls he ever dated or met, and finds me interesting and funny and enjoys me. Of course, that's my perspective. He's convincing. And he has dated and had enough of young girls and their temperaments and childishness and materialism blah blah blah... and really prefers older women. And I guess, I'm a sucker to actually feel flattered. Can't really blame me, right? *_*

Could this be a prayer answered?!!? I was not searching for love, but have love found me just when I was least expecting it? It was a thought that crossed my mind ..... and that sent such a thrill of excitement and anticipation as I dug for my journal, which I remembered writing down my prayer request - a check list - to God, on the Man I am desiring for as my mate. I had written this prayer after I felt so utterly crushed and disappointed that the guy from my office whom I had a year-long crush on *sigh* ...could possibly be a closet gay. *_* Not proven, but its OK, because he definitely not taken any interest in me. Anyway, that's another long story.

I guess, if I were to pray again for the Man of my life today, it will be totally different prayer...... Some attributes are not important anymore, and there will be new ones added. Well, perhaps I shall do it later on - a fresh list. hahahahhaa.....

This is verbatim from my journal entry of 17 Oct 2004:

Father,
I've prayed specifically and I believe You answer specifically. I've prayed, and I'm now praying again for the Man in my life.... I pray that he will be one who (is) :

1. A lover of God and the Word of God
2. Loves to worship and praise and sing and pray
3. Helpful, self-giving, generous, kind
4. Honest, caring, sensitive, loving
5. Fun, sense of humour, loves to laugh
6. Healthy, active, able-bodied
7. Financially strong (yet giving)
8. Adores me as who I am (finds me adorable and enjoys me)
9. Understanding, "big brother", "buddy
10. Good 'down-to-earth' taste in dress-sense
11. Speaks fairly well and clear
12. Speaks english and mandarin well
13. Plays a musical instrument, musically inclined
14. Loves TV, movies, plays, drama, muscials
15. Loves food and enjoy trying new things
16. Modest, sincere and genuine, transparent
17. Encouraging, sees the good in others
18. Can talk with me and connect with me on many topics. Have a good sense of imagination and can appreciate my lame jokes
19. Conscientious, hardworking, brave
20. I must have "chemistry" attraction with him (mutual)

Lord, I have listed down so much, it seems impossible to have such a perfect guy, and one that would fall in love with me. Yet nothing is impossible with God. (*blah blah blah blah... other stuff*..)

(haha, actually I really feel paiseh typing the above up man~!!! hahahahaha.... feel rather ridiculous..*blush* it's really quite a tall order, yet rather general at the same time, and I think i have at least 20 more items to add to it, hahahahahaa...... and now I admit.. I AM FUSSY!)

Anyway, with all that I've learnt about Tim during the few days we chatted, I matched him to the list.... and GOSH~ Tim potentially fulfilled 90% of the list!!!!!!!!!!! In fact, things look so good that it really freaked me out, and I was thrilled to the core at the same time. COULD HE BE THE ONE???????????????? Oh no! Can't be happening that fast, right? But he's so young??!! Younger than my younger brother, and I'll be a cradle snatcher would I? I wouldn't wanna feel that I'm mothering him would I? ....and of course, as usual, I was thinking too much.

And we did meet up once, just briefly. He was in town for a meeting, and I was leaving office earlier because I was down with fever and cough. So we had soup together. And he looks so different from his picture I was rather disappointed. Yah, I guess I was shallow, heh-heh, BUT I refuse to let my shallowness ruin it. I can get beyond the looks... I can get used to the small facial features and small yellow teeth and the hunch... *guffaws*
But, on the other hand, he found me attractive looking. HEH *smug-smug, I win* Anyway, so says he. I guess, on retrospect, I find it hard to believe anymore, he probably don't mean it. And I was slimmer then.... 5kg lighter. (Augh, my heart is aching again).

Anyway, he started calling me on the phone. His voice was (er-hem) not what I imagined. Disappointing... haha... kind of like a young school boy and Donald Duck. I had imagined his voice to be more matured and manly perhaps.. And whilst on the phone with me, he'd be working on his laptop, watching the TV or gaming concurrently. Or 10 mins into the conversation, he'll tell me he'll call me back later because he's going to play computer golf, or ask me to hold on while he watched TV. So I really wondered why he calls me, because we actually have no "flow" talking over the phone! Almost like doing me a favour by calling me!!! *Anal* And most of the time, I am getting frustrated silently at the lack of attention and interest in our phone conversations. Most of the time, the conversation just started with him saying "I'm so tired....." or "I'm so exhausted" or "I'm so busy....". In that case, I have no heart to take up his time (yeah, I think I sounded anal, but I really feel bad for him, and feel that I need to be very understanding and should not bother him much, and should let him rest or go back to his work or game or TV. However, at the same time, I ask myself if this is how I want a relationship to be. I feel sorry for myself that I'm always waiting for him and being understanding. And I feel really needy. And I feel that I really miss him when he can't spend time with me nor afford time for me. And I feel bad that I wanted more, much more from him. I feel disatisfied that I'm not getting first class treatment. When I ask guys about it, they tell me immediately to forget about him. Because judging from the phone behaviour, he is not into me. That is really devastating news - because in this case, guys know best.

And oh, the promises he made--never fulfilled, of course. He promised to date me out once he's done with helping out on preparations of his friend's wedding. He's doing the photo montage, and at the same time, will be covering his friend's job during the honeymoon. They worked together, partners in the same company. I respect that, and totally understand, and looked forward to the date which he said will be very romantic and which he's gonna be bringing me somewhere and showing me something surprising etc etc. However, after the wedding, I still never heard from him. And finally, laying down my own ego, dignity and pride, I begin to try contacting him instead of waiting for his call. We were supposed to go out on a Monday, which was a public holiday (Labour Day). Finally, in the evening, he replied -- He was sick, high fever. Oh. I see. But in the evening when I called him to check if he's any better, he was out, helping his friend with something. Anyway, neither did I hear from him after he recovered. I used to receive his sms regularly throughout the day asking what am I doing, how's my day, and sweet good nites etc... But it trickled down to no more. SIGH~ this is so so so so sad. And I went into distress and depression over him.

Finally, one day, enough is enough. And I got him on the phone, and asked him point blank what is happening. Why does it seem that he has withdrawn so drastically? And his answer was painful...... he replied, that he felt I had pushed him away (I think, he once ask me what inspires me in a man and probably what I told him gave him the idea that he's not inspiring???) ... because he is not the suitable man for me.. felt he really will not be able to make me happy because he has no time and right now he needs to focus on his business to achieve the million dollar mark in the next 2 years... and the age gap is also an issue because it'll be hard for him to explain that to his mum... and ..he'll be bad influence for me... blah blah blah... Hence he is happy to leave things be.

I cried my heart out for days. Heart-broken. Rejected. And I really blamed myself. And its true, I was really doubtful & uncertain about Tim and I was quite honest with him. I told him things like : I'd like the man to be from the same church so that we share the same vision and direction... He's gotta be a man who really loves God's presence and who wants to live a life pleasing to God etc. Sad to say, today I don't feel nor think the same way anymore. So much has changed since April. So much have happened in my life. I myself am no longer the same.

And I wonder, if I were to get to know him today, how different would things be? Oh, better not entertain that thought. Don't be silly!!!! Wake up!!!!!!! *piak-piak!*

But like what SH told me (when I shared with her that I might be developing a crush on someone I knew recently) -- I just need to date more men. Yeah, she's absolutely right. That's a good piece of advice. See more people... and that will fine-tune what I want and what I don't want... and make good friends without expectations. Really. Though it is really hard. I will have to just remind myself to see these guys I go out with as friends. And even if I fancy one of them, I'll have to keep my heart safe by not being over-enthusiastic. Because I know, I cannot afford to "run after" anymore guys and face the rejection. My heart is too fragile right now. It's good to let the guys make the first move. I can't tell subtle signs well. And I guess, I'll have to wait for a guy who'll finally make obvious indication that he is attracted to me after knowing me well enough and want to perhaps "go deeper". hahaha... is that the right way? I don't know, perhaps. I really lack the wisdom in this department. Sigh.... (wow, this sure looks like an emotional baggage eh?). More advice from my pals : Don't EVER be too revealing or honest about your emotions to a guy (- in my case, it usually comes like tidal waves I guess~ hur-hur) because they will not be able to handle it. Oh, is there hope for an emotionally rich person like me?

Anyway, my story with Tim lasted only 3 weeks (SO SHORT??? AND SUCH A LONG STORY!!!!????) , and we didn't keep in regular contact afterwards - DUH, of course.. I deleted him from my yahoo contacts, deleted his number from my mobile (but still keep it in my diary just in case), deleted all traces of conversations with him because reading them brings only pain and severe heart aches.. ... even right now, I'm feeling it as I type on. I sent him sms from time to time, when I suddenly miss him or feel 'cool' about it. And I'd regret immediately - and feel 'not cool' with his resond. Especially once, when I've sms him and he had no idea who am I and asked for my identity. Good thing he called me up after I sent an acidic answer.... and explained he had lost his mobile and hence the contact numbers therein.. (not sure if that's a bloody lie, though, but I chose to believe him) and then he asked if I missed him. WHY DO GUYS DO THAT???? Asking me if I missed him!!??? *OUCH*. And silly me, I said "yes..." (too honest) and wanted to ask him if he felt the same, does he want me to miss him? - Phew~ good thing those words never left my mouth, I don't think I'll be able to handle his answer. After that I had to go cry my heart out again. I asked for it. ARGH~!

And often times, till now, I still wonder what is it about him that got me so bewitched or enchanted. I think, it is probably because: the circumstances in which I've came to know him was somewhat a fulfillment of a fantasy. I was swept off my feet unexpectedly. And because of the mind-to-mind connection established over chatting, there was a deep connection of the soul (that's what a friend told me about effects of IRC chats and online relationships). And because we even went into discussions on topics of intimacy, certain expectations was built. And I think, it was the HOPE factor too. And HOPE DEFERRED & UNFULFILLED. I feel that he had given up on me too easily, without trying... which hits me hard because it signifies "I'm not worth it". His pulling back made me fell so much forward that till today, I've not really picked myself up totally from that fall. I was naive, I was inexperienced, I was too honest, I was too quick to invest emotions, I was too foolish. And I guess, I had really wanted something to come out of it. Fools rush in. Silly woman.

But I am grateful too, that this took place in my life, because it impacted me so much that afterwhich, I obtained a brand new perspective and paradigm shift. Also, as I've said, I was not actively searching for someone.. merely praying and waiting for things to happen. But meeting him opened me up to a real need in my life. That it is time to seriously think about meeting people, open up my social circle, go dating with an open mind. Stop ruling people out. Get to know them as an individual, let them get to know you too. (Heh, forgive me, I think I'm repeating the same things over and over... almost like I'm preaching. )

Was out with Woon on Christmas eve, and mentioned to her about Tim... because he works near the Expo and stays nearby (can't remember where...) and we were on our way to Orchard Road from the Singapore Expo. Feeling brave (plus a stroke of impulse), I called him on his mobile.... no answer. Called again.. still no answer. Unwilling to give up, I sent him an sms saying "Hey Tim, merry christmas, wanna meet up for a drink?". no reply. AUGH. Regrets. But a few hours later I got a reply from him!!!!!!!!!! He wrote, "Hey Hey, merry christmas to you too... At Bintan Club Med now. Let's catch up next week? ... Will try and catch John too, cheers!". John?? Who's John? Well, either he mistook me for someone else, or John would be his best friend whom he helped with the wedding. But hmmmmm.... I doubt so, because that friend is malay and I don't recall that his malay best friend's name is John, its some kind of initials.... GAH. So I think I should really regret BIG TIME now... because he have not the slightest clue who am I !!!!!!! AAAHHHHHHH REGRETS!!!! REGRETS!!!!!! REGRETS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But anyway, that's me. I would "heck it" and take actions that I'd regret. But hey, I think its better to have done it and screwed it than to always wonder how would it be if I had done it.

With this thought, I'm giving myself a pat on the shoulder. And yes, for all of you who are reading this account, I'm sure you feel quite sorry for me. And probably you'd be shaking your head and sighing. Well then, just love me and feed me and never leave me (quoting Garfield) :D

So I guess, if Tim really did contact me this week when he's back from Bintan, it'll be interesting to meet up with him again. Before I wrote this post I was still planning to meet him up. But now, I'm having second thoughts - now that I've just remembered and revived all the heart aches, do I really want to go through it again and subject myself to MORE of it? Am I a sadist or what? A dog who returns to its vomit? Only fools would make repeated mistakes right? But I really wonder, how would it be to meet him again, after all these changes in my state of mind? I've never really gone out with him before and knowing him face-to-face as a person. Am I still hoping to start off any sparks with him? Am I still trying to pursue the dream? Perhaps meeting up with him will bring proper closure because I'd be laughing till I have stitches over my utter foolishness and stupidity? Hahhaha... really, perhaps so. That'll be good. Let me be so over him that I'll never miss him nor entertain hope nor weave dreams with him within again.

I don't know. I'll keep you posted, so stay tuned. :o)

And now, to rub some hong-you on my chest. It's aching like hell.
Sigh.... Tim.


******************
After Post Note: (27-Dec-05, 2.30pm)

OUCH. Sent Tim a sms this morning, asking him by the way who's John, and if he knew who exactly he was replying to... and ALAS! Indeed I'm right!!! He mistook me for someone else. I got a reply near noon saying "err err". Not sure what it means, but with my IQ of 124, I think it means he made an error. Sigh, why do I do these things to myself. NOBODY will pity me. :o(

*sob-sob-sob* *sniff-sniff* *self-hugz*
Yep. Still gotta love myself for this. Brave gal, brave gal. Stupid, but brave.

26/12 . Progress!

Heh! So mighty proud of myself! If you noticed the side bar, you'll see that I've finally got rid of my eye sore - the "Google News" link and the stupid "edit me" links that leads to nowhere... And I've managed to experiment successfully at putting a few links of my own there! YAY!!!!

Just borrowed back a heavy book from my brother's shelf whilst I was at his place earlier to see baby David... "Practical HTML 4". I've not even opened it, heh-heh, but the presence of the book already brought inspiration and progress!

Nah nah nah, really. The credit should go to Paul. He's the one who gave me some guidance (over dinner) on how to modify the template.

COOL!

26/12 . Hmmm.. My life in 2006

Been thinking too much these few days again. My whole mind filled with thoughts of the current year, and the year ahead, how its gonna be like. I am the sort who can't see too far ahead, and not a person who run after goals. But I always have critical evaluations and make new decisions along the way... and live for each day. Sometimes, I just live on without thinking much, when it is packed with activities of work and committments. But when I finally stop to think, I have no idea what to do about the state my life has come to. Lately, I've been taking the time to pace out, to think, to wonder, to analyse, to discover, to experience, to make mistakes, to take bold new steps, to heck it, to enjoy the moment, to cry, to be honest with myself, to acknowledge my fears, to accept my ugliness, to laugh, to live.

Next year, I want my life to be different.

Now that I have relinquished all committments and activities... other than work, I want to celebrate life in 2006. I want to taste life. I want to experience things I've always wondered about, or wished for, or wanted to do but too passive to do anything about it. I want my life to be filled up, so that I will not be pining for a man as THE solution to make my life complete. No no no... no more, it must stop. My life gotta be full, so it can overflow into another's. I have to stop hoping to meet a guy so he can fill me up.

And of course, to 'fill up my life' -- its gotta be within my means. For almost 10 years I've been in debt... and though I don't think much about spending (utter foolishness) which fail to greatly relief the debt level, the weight was constantly upon my heart. I was never "free". It's gonna change next year. I will be debt free finally, once I've paid mum off. And I will have savings finally. And I will no longer be living on borrowed money. But before that can happen, I gotta secure a job and stay in it. :) Will talk more about the job later.

Still, I hope to meet the man of my life. In fact, in my mind, while watching Garfield the movie on TV last night... I was 'writing' a "Dear YOU" letter. Want to blog it down immediately, but I wanted to watch the movie, and the 2 glasses of red wine I gulped down sort of got me real dosy. heh. Anyway, my thoughts and feelings come and go so abundantly, I'll never be able to really capture them all. I can't be blogging all the time, otherwise nothing gets done! *_*

I guess whatever I'm typing down have no structure. I'm just transferring whatever comes to mind and heart to my fingertips down to the keyboard and publishing it later without editing. Well, maybe I'll edit it another day when I feel like it. hahaha..

Next year in 2006, I do not want to be depressed. I will take steps to end this depression and dark clouds that surrounds me this year end. I will embrace life differently. I will refuse violently to allow things to trip me up, and get me down. I need to have pure determination and tenacity. I want to look back at the end of 2006 and celebrate it. Be it that during the year I screwed it all up, or made the greatest mistake of my life, or get my heart broken by an asshole... I want to embrace life with passion. I want to feel alive, and I want to get to know me.

This year, especially the last quarter of the year, I felt so lost. So lost so lost so lost. Yet, in the midst of the confusion, I'm beginning to rediscover myself. I'm beginning to come to terms with things, and I'm beginning to see new perspectives, and understand new pain, and found mercy and compassion. My eyes are opening up. I'm .....(er-hem) maturing finally. hahahahahhahahaa.... this really tickle me. I'm no longer a girl, not yet a woman (state of mind). Hahahahahhaa... so I guess, I'm really reaching adult hood, eh? hahahaha... this is so funny, tsk tsk tsk...

Resolutions? Yes, I will make them. In fact, I've already drafted some points down. Will blog it separately.

I will love me. I will no longer be the first to condemn me. I will no longer be the first to belittle me. I will no longer be so hard on myself. Until another man comes along and show me some love, I'm gonna be the one who love me most. haahhahahahaaha... And before I know how to love me, I need to know me. Do I? Yeah, for me, yes. I think I need to know me, in order to know how to love me.

Love your neighbor as you love yourself.... How can you love others, when you fail to love even yourself?

And I guess I need to think about what does it mean "to love me". For a start, I need to see that I'm wonderful the way I am, and it does not depend on whether I'm attractive to man or not. :D (and that is actually a tough challenge that needs conscious efforts in detecting thoughts that says it otherwise, and killing them upon immediate detection.) And I know a few of you who're reading this know exactly what I am talking about. You're equally guilty of that. hur-hur.

I need to find my anchor in life. Then I will not be swayed to and fro by what life brings in or not bring it. Can I survive 2006 without finding the love of my life? I MUST.

How about God's promise? Yes, I will still hope in God. He never fails.... He is faithful even whilst I am faithless. And I pray that God will make all things beautiful in His time. And I pray that God's Hand will still be upon me and be with me in 2006, that I will find my way back into His embrace and His plan and His destiny for me. That I, who is somewhat lost, will be able to say that I am found. May God bless my life in 2006. May my love for God be revived. May my hardened and cold heart, be once again filled with hope, faith, zest and tenderness for the God who came into my life 20 years ago. Amen.

As of this moment, all my dreams and hope in God.... I've laid them down. No, I'm not pursuing it anymore. So, I'm going in a new direction, in search of life. But I know, God will still be there. I know so. His love never fails. I'll never be able to numb Him out of my life. Because I have encountered God.

Right..
I donno what I'm thinking anymore.. hahahahhaa..
OK. Will end this blog entry.

And yes, thanks for reading my blog. It means a lot to me, that people actually bothered to take the time to read them, and especially making the effort to even put in a comment. You might not think much of it, but it made me feel a sense of worth. So thanks, for wanting to know how I'm doing, what I'm thinking and for sharing my life. HUGz for ya all!

23/12 . Women

Haha... read this article off the I-S Magazine... I believe was inspired by the recent arrival of the Crazy Horse Dancers. Heh.. it tickled me so much I thought I shall blog it down:

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Women

Sigmund Freud famously asked: "What do women want?" Well, some women want to set their own interests and aspirations, and invent things like suffrage, equal pay and birth control -- even go on stage dressed only in tassels, black triangles and laser beams. They want to take control of their femininity and sensuality. Some other women feel that such behavior betrays the sisterhood by doing things that actually please men. And then a third kind of woman wants to fetch her man his slippers, and to lie back and enjoy it. Inevitably, things will come to a head. The three women meet to thrash it out.

Concerned Woman: This is an intolerable state of affairs. How can some of you expose your bodies to all and sundry, and flaunt yourselves as sex objects; and the rest of you deny your true femininity in the name of career, success and independence? This is not how things were meant to be!
Crazy Horse Woman: We celebratethe beauty of the female form and are confident about our sensuality. We don't expose everything, and so what if we do?
Man: Depends on who the woman is.
Career Woman: Shut up! I don't have time for this.
Concerned Woman: Go back to your homes and do your duty! Your children are going astray; corrupting themselves with things like Harry Potter and rap music.
Crazy Horse Woman: Hey, we are less corrupting -- we are more true to life.
Career Woman: As a businesswoman, I'm interested to know how audiences respond to sensual but tasteful live shows that feature topless female performers. You, you're a man. Have you seen the show?
Man: Yes I have. I think it looks great and is something I could watch with my wife or girlfriend.
Crazy Horse Woman: Yes!
Concerned Woman: How insulting to your wife or girlfriend.
Career Woman: You don't find artistic female nudity offensive then?
Man: Not at all. Hey, it doesn't even have to be artistic.
Crazy Horse Woman: Purrr.
Man: But I have a question.
Career Woman: Yes?
Man: Where are my slippers?
Concerned Woman: Oh, but I want you in stockings tonight.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

*chuckle chuckle chukle*
I could just imagine this conversation taking place if I bring a few of my different friends together! hahahaha..... I'll be greatly amused.

Hey feel free to leave your comments!

22/12 . The Baby & The Aunt

Heh heh.... silly Aunt.. going gaga over new nephew! :D
But ooooohhh he is so cute! So endearing!
Went over to Georgie's place for dinner tonite, first day baby comes home.
Brought a bottle of wine I bought on Sunday - Yellow Tail Carbenet Sauvignon 2004 - and indeed it is good! *hic* All of us enjoyed it!

And of course, I took another 2 pictures of baby Dave, this time in his mummy's arms, and his eyes are opened wide. Ohhh... so adorable...

Look here....



Closer.....




Was still helpless~ and have not yet dared to carry him. All I could do is sit around and adore the widdle widdle cutie baby.. :D Half the time I'm afraid if I go any closer he'll start crying. While mum was feeding him (and me watching on) my brother spoke to me firmly -with an almost evil sparkle in his eyes... ".. you MUST learn to carry the baby soon.." and I said, "Sure! But ....make sure you guys are close by when I carry him-- don't traumatise me hor!!!!" (by leaving me with the baby alone!) *_*

Well, maybe when baby Dave promise not to cry, Aunty Viv will carry you, ok?

And finally, here's a pic of the jolly doting Aunt.... hehhhhhh! First sighting of the author of this blog! Not the best pic yet, but fresh from the oven, took it right after I reached home from work today. Was trying to take a pic of my eye with the enhanced eyelashes - passed by a cart and the lady selling eyelash curlers managed to capture my attention and demo to me that my hidden and short and sparse lashes can actually be made 'visible'! hahahaha.... indeed, I'm mightily impressed (sucker!) and bought the device for S$24.90. Will play with the toy soon. AUGH....couldn't help but regret my impulsive buy..... knowing me, I'll never really use it unless I'm going for an afternoon or evening outing (date). Otherwise in the morning, I'm always in a rush and I'll never bother to wake up earlier just to spend an extra 15mins heating the toy up (just turn it on for a minute), applying mascara on the lashes and curling it with the device, and repeat mascara then repeat curling till lashes are "enhanced visibly". GAH.

Anyway, can you see my lashes? If you could, then you're a BIG LIAR!!!!!!!! ^.^
(And nope, I won't be posting the pic I took of my eye with the nice sprouting lashes)

Cheers~

21/12 . Dark Cloudy Day

Oh, woke up this morning feeling so depressed, and feeling all sorts of heartaches. Purely emotional turmoil. Thinking too much again. Feel like cancelling all future appointments just to avoid disappointments. And yes, grave mistake. Never ever ask a guy out again. But then again, I always get carried away and forget my lessons and pains.

Was talking with my best friend the other night and admitting to her that I thought I was a cool person, that I'll be cool if this this this... and I'll be cool with that that that... and in the end, I am NOT COOL. I am SO NOT COOL with the this this this and the that that that. Rather than hating myself for being not cool when I am ideally supposed to be so cool, I think I will accept the fact that I am NOT COOL. I am a person that is NOT COOL with this this this and that that that, and I will love myself for being so not cool. Yea, that's attitude.

Just minutes ago, fear suddenly grip my heart as I thought... Oh dear, I think I might've victimised innocent people with my over-enthusiasms, perhaps I think they enjoy my company, or I thought they will enjoy something so much, that they'll be more than happy to go out... and I feared that the truth might be they are too nice to say 'No' to me. I certainly don't want to be labeled "high maintenance" but I guess that is really subjective. (this does not apply to my best friends - I KNOW FOR A FACT they enjoy me. hee hee... and I enjoy them - and they will say no to me when they need to).

I guess I have my seasons. There are times I'd rather stay at home and watch TV or just veg out. Laziness is a talent. Pigs are not stupid, they're just lazy. But there're are days I really wanna go out and do something thrilling, fun, interesting, something new and perhaps radical! Are all people like that? Is that normal? :D heh... It is normal, right? .....right?

I guess I'm still living like a turtle. When I've managed the courage to take a bold step, e.g. sticking out my head from the shell.. and hit the wall perhaps, I'd retract full speed and hide in my shell again for another million years. And it'll take much caoxing before I stick my nose out again. Naaah... not so bad lah. I've taken so many new steps this year I'm mighty proud of myself. hahaha...

Well, just some thoughts to jot down. Have to give people enough space to breathe. And will not ask any guys out again. Not for the time being. No more courage left. I'm just not cool enough.

21/12 . I Finally Found Someone

And here's the lyrics of the song, so utterly meaningful, and I love the movie too:

I Finally Found Someone

Ohh yeah...mmmmm
I finally found someone, who knocks me off my feet,
I finally found the one, who makes me feel complete.

It started over coffee
We started off as friends
Its funny how from simple things
The best things begin

This time its different
It's all because of you
Its better than its ever been
Cause we can talk it through...

My favorite line
Was can I call you sometime?
Its all you had to say
To take my breath away

This is it
Oh I finally found someone

Someone to share my life

I finally found the one to be with everynight
Cause whatever I do, its just got to be you
My life has just begun, I finally found someone

Did I keep you waiting? (I didn't mind..)
I apologize (Baby that's fine..
I will wait forever just to know you were mine)
You know I love your hair (are you sure it looks right?..)
I love what you wear (isn't it too tight?..)
You're exceptional, I can't wait for the rest of my life...

This is it,
Oh I finally found someone,
Someone to share my life

I finally found the one to be with everynight
Cause whatever I do, its just got to be you
My life has just begun, I finally found someone

Cause whatever I do, it's just got to be you
Oh my life has just begun...I finally found...someone

*sighhhhhhh* Love it. I'm thankful for the existence of such beautiful songs :o)

20/12 . Baby David

Oh waw~
I've just been to the hospital and finally met my new nephew, born today at 11.39am, weighing 2.95kg and 49cm in height/length. He's really cuter looking than I expected! I've always thought babies looked wrinkled and soggy and ugly when they're born and takes about a week to look cute. (well so far those new babies I've seen are so!)... But dear baby David looks so adorable already!!!!! Awwwww... Aunty Viv wuvs widdle widdle Vavid voy....muack muack~

Heh-heh... despite the disapproving noises made by my mum, I managed to snap 2 pictures of baby David with my phone after he finally stopped crying and falls asleep :

..the close up shot......... (so handsome looking!)



..peacefully asleep in his daddy's loving arms....




Life is gonna be so different for my brother and Bee from now on! God bless this baby and his mummy and daddy!!!

20/12 . I protest!!!!!

I protest!!!!
I protest I protest I protest!!!!!
I PROTEST!!!

Just had an interesting conversation with someone who also likes the song "Natural Woman", and this person says, "You know it actually meant having sex right?"
HUH? What the...!!!!?

NO!!! NO NO NO NO NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Are you sure? No way!!! GEEEEEEEZZ!!!!

And of course I needed some convincing.

So the person tells me: .... yes, read carefully..'you make me feel good inside', whenever when the lyrics say 'you make me feel like a woman', it means that the man has aroused the woman till she really feels like a woman, got it? how to make a woman feel like a woman, my dear? when she reaches her climax lah... blah blah blah... and 'Oh, baby, what you've done to me Oooo you make me feel so good inside And I just want to be close to you You make me feel so alive'...what can make a person feel alive? (sex lah) blah blah blah...

AND I AM NOT CONVINCED. GAH. UGH!!!!!
But of course, I can't be sure what context the songwriter is using when she wrote this song!! Maybe she was really talking about having sex!!

And it reminds me of those times someone will come and tell me, e.g. that the nice old song "DREAM DREAM DREAM" is about masterbation. And the song "I Can't Fight This Feeling Any Longer" is about smoking cigarettes!!!! And I'm still in denial !!!!!!

That's NOT how I see it!!!!
And this is how I would relate to the song:

"You make me feel like a natural woman"...
I've always been very much a tomboy since primary school, under the influence of a tomboy classmate, and have always wished I'm a guy and not a gal. And even though, today, I've totally outgrown that, there's still "residual effects"..... In the way I walk, in the way I sit, in the way I wolf down my food, in the way I laughed out loud, in my mannerisms, my speech, or just my personal style of doing things, in the lack of feminine fashion sense, in many ways.... I feel 'fallen short' of being a real woman. I don't feel womanly enough, and most of the time, I don't feel I'm attractive nor sensual nor wonderful (heh, but alcohol helps), and it take conscious efforts to rise above my belittling and self-diminishing thoughts! Though I used to be proud that I'm not the typical weak whiney vain woman that'll squeal at every sighting of a rodent, lizard, spider, bug and worm, but there's a deep yearning that a man will come along and make me feel that I'm wonderful the way I am, that I'm fully attractive and fully a woman in his eyes, loving me as the person & the way I am, knowing my vulnerabilities, appreciating my complex inner beauty and wit and the silly things I say and do (heh :D)... the "just what I've been looking for" mix. That's a fantasy, of course. I used to wish some guy will sing "I've been waiting for a gal like you to come into my life.." Sigh....a sucker for romance. Hence, I look forward to meeting and be pursued by the guy who will, in his own sweet ways and own charm and 'magic', make me feel like a natural woman! To him!! And he don't have to be perfect! No one is perfect! Perhaps I could make him feel like a (er-hem) natural man too! Oh dear, GOD, please don't send me Ah Kua leh.... that'll be tough for me.. hahahaha I don't wanna feel like the 'man' instead. hahahhaa... Ok Ok.. be serious now.

"You make me feel so good inside... feel so alive.." ...
I feel, the "inside"- that's referrng to the soul! It's the heart feeling good and alive! Before meeting "him" (probably like before, like right now... current situation...), I've been lonesome, I've been feeling like I'm missing a leg, feeling so void of something, withering without the attention and care of someone special to me, going through life's storms alone...aching for someone to be intimate with... to lean on and share my life with... etc. and vice versa. But of course, I DO have fantastic friends and family whom I share my life's ups and downs with lah -- my life is not so pathetic lah, hahaha...and in fact, I'm very much blessed and loved and happy and whole and optimistic ... but only recent that I begin to have these feelings and longings in such an intense way....perhaps because it has just been so much falling downhill and rock-bottom dark days of disappointment and discouragement that I begin to sink sink sink...hur-hur.

SO, when & if the "he" comes along... and make me "feel so good inside"... "so alive"... it signifies that this man's entrance and presence in my life satisfies and brings life to the soul, the emotions,... brought joy, music, hope, laughter, excitement, anticipation, a looking forward to tomorrow, positive energy, sunshine, and even just mere companionship!!! The flower is no longer bowing its drooping head and withering... it is facing and busking in the kisses of the sun, it is blooming and releasing its fragrance and vibrant beauty and splendour! And I feel I've not set a tall order. I think it's all about 2 person getting attracted and connected to each other and growing in affection and love. :) OK, I guess, there will still be problems, but that's too advance for me right now. hahahaha.....

And ...
Sex is not everything.
But of course, hee hee... I look forward to it greatly. In fact, can't wait. But will wait....hee hee.. however apart from that, I look forward to holding hands and kissing and other acts of intimacy and the connections of body mind soul heart with this man who will come and win my heart, melt me down, sweep me off my feet! Haha... and at that time I'll still be able to sing "Natural Woman" in its every essense. Muahahahahhaha!! And I wish guys in Singapore will be like those rougues we see in old movies, who'll just grab the lady and kiss her passionately before she could think or react. And that'll probably happen only in the wildest fantasies! (but I guess, the lady gotta be attractive in the first place too...... *_* and the guy desirable.... hur-hur, so for me... TKK lah~)

And this is my stand. My defence. My perspective.
THERE!
Anyone care to comment?

20/12 . Aunt! I'm an Aunt!!

Just got the good news! Bee has given birth!!!!!
David is born!!!!! YES!! I have a nephew now!!!!
I'm now an Aunt! I will be his favourite Aunt!!!!!! YES!!!! hahahaha....
WEEEEEHOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wow, what a joy! And really, I don't know how it'll be like, but I'm an Aunt now!
And I think I love the widdle boy already! Muack~!!!

I wonder if he will like me?
Will he smile when he sees me? Or will he cry instead?
I crumble when babies cry on me ;-(
I'm really no good with babies and children. Sigh...
People are amazed at the way I could love my hamsters, and even more amazed (and amused) that I'm afraid of babies. HAH.
But perhaps, David will be the first baby I voluntarily wanna carry. heh.
Gotta breakthrough these phobias. Gotta overcome them.
My my my, I feel nervous already just by that thought!
Oh dear, Oh dear! *Panic*

Time to go buy some gifts for him!
A nice funky pacifier for a start (one with 2 large rabbit tooth) ;D
He's gonna have one overwhelmingly doting crazy Aunt! heh-heh..
Oh wow! Oh wow! Oh wow!!!

20/12 . Natural Woman

Was at NRB on Sat with my best friend. And how we ended up there was such a joke. It all started out when she sms'd me at almost 10pm if I'd like to go out. Perfect timing! I've just reached home after a haircut and dinner alone, feeling all lonesome and prepared for a quiet night... and feeling regrets for going for a haircut - was happy with my longest hair length ever but had to trim a whole section off to relieve the scalp. I've been loosing too much hair on top. And I hate my new fringe.

Anyway, I readily said "YES!!!!" and took mum's car out. Upon picking her up at her place, we decided to be adventurous and go try out Ministry of Sound, which has just opened. I recalled it was at Clarke Quay, but someone told me it was Boat Quay. Uncertain of myself, we decided we'll drive to Boat Quay. We parked at UOB (or OUB?) carpark and took a walk down Boat Quay, passing all the restaurants and finally reached the end of the stretch, still no sign of MOS leh...?! So we called a friend.

She said, "Oh it's at Central Mall lah!". Central Mall? Hey I know Central Mall! So we walked back down the entire stretch of Boat Quay, went down to the car park and you cannot believe what happens next. It's really a night of obstacles! Hahahhahaa... Now, the UOB parking was a ticket parking system. I took the ticket upon entry, but upon exit, I just drove straight to the exit lane as per cashcard and ERP systems. As I drive into the left exit lane, my poor friend warned me that it is the "season parking" lane. Considering the speed at which the sound of her voice travels thru my ears followed by speed of the neurons passing the signals to the brain and processing the sound finally bringing comprehension... good guess ! by the time I realised what she's saying, I've already gone into the lane. Nevermind, reverse lor. So I reversed the car, and drove into the right lane for hourly parking. Wounding down my window to put in my cash card, I found no slot for cashcard, instead, I found a sign that read..."please pay your ticket at Autopay station at B2...". ARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHH.... so mah-looooooooooo......!!!!!! Reverse car again, drove back down to B2. By this time, I've managed to catch the night security guards attention. Two silly bimbos in a car, he must be thinking. hahaha... and I'm still in the mood for adventure, but my friend is shaking her pretty head - but hey, hahaha she can still laugh! For a moment I was concerned I've ruined the evening for her with all the wild-goose-chase and goof-ups.

Finally we got out of UOB building, and found Central Mall. MOS MOS here we come!!!!!!! It took us quite some effort before we finally got a parking space. Again, its my fault. I missed the 2nd floor straight turn and spiraled up to 6th floor instead.. and then reversed and spiral back down to 2nd floor buisness carpark. Found a lot at a corner, after lots of adjustment I'm finally parked. Phew~! Then the 2 of us strutted around Central Mall, and all we could find is Momo or something to that effect. UNBELIEVABLE!!!! WHERE IS THE MOS????? Finally, I asked a guy by the roadside. "Oh, its at Clarke Quay", he said. Oh f**k! It's at CLARKE QUAY!!!!!??? #@$*@% .. and I observed that he got into the car and said something to all his friends and the bunch of them burst out laughing. Great. I couldn't help but think that we're the laughing stock. hur-hur...

So we got back to the car in disbelief, and decided, HECK MOS!!! Let's go NRB, at least I'm sure that place is happening!! GAH. So, shall we walk over? On second thoughts, NAH. So we drove down to Robertson Walk, Unity Road (and Yea, I actually missed the turn into Mohamed Sultan Road, and had to take another route back in) and waw~ there's no place to park! After circling the place a couple of rounds, finally my clever friend led me to park at Unity Building (or whatever its called). FINALLY. Haiz. Yahoooo!!!! I'm still having a good time, I'm determined to have a good time, yes, I WILL have a good time!!!!! Haha, the process of finding a place to hangout has been much fun, but now let's really enjoy ourselves. By the time we arrived at NRB, it was past 11pm. I'm so thirsty!!!

And I had a WONDERFUL time. Trishno and Munir (and a drummer) were singing and playing, and they are fantastic. Munir is so good with the guitar, playing Bass and everything at the same time, WITH ONE GUITAR! I'm in awe. WOW! And nice jazz numbers they did. The place was rather quiet, with no rowdy crowds, unlike the day before. Friday nites are not recommended, I guess.

Then, 3 ladies were invited to sing. I learnt that they are called "By Chance", a lady trio singing group who were there to chill and have drinks. They sang 2 songs : "You've got a Friend" (my all time favourite!!!!!!!), and "Natural Woman". I've never really listened to Natuaral woman before (its lyrics, I meant, though I'm familiar with such a song and its harmony). But that night, the song laid an impact on me :

Natural Woman

Looking out on the morning rain
I used to feel so uninspired
And when I knew I had to face another day
Lord, it made me feel so tired
Before the day I met you, life was so unkind
But you're the key to my peace of mind

Cause you make me feel
You make me feel
You make me feel like
A natural woman

When my soul was in the lost-and-found
You came along to claim it
I didn't know just what was wrong with me
Till your kiss helped me name it
Now I'm no longer doubtful of what I'm living for
Cause if I make you happy
I don't need to do more

Cause you make me feel
You make me feel
You make me feel like
A natural woman

Oh, baby, what you've done to me
Oooo you make me feel so good inside
And I just want to be close to you
You make me feel so alive

Cause you make me feel
You make me feel
You make me feel like
A natural woman


Wow...
The yearning of my heart this season, I guess.

For the rest of the night, The MOBs trio sang and played the nicest set ever to my greatest satisfaction, wish it was like that on Fri nite when I came with my friend, he would have really loved it : songs like- Longest Time, Anak, More Than Words, etc. Back to their nice vocal blends and harmonisations and easy listening music. So glad we made the final choice to go NRB. I had a nice yummy Bailey's on the rock followed by Lychee Martini. Maximum satisfaction!

And yes, how could I forget?
While waiting for MOB's set during break, Trishno came and sat with us and chatted. Nice chap, nice eyes. I guess we're not very good at small talk, and there was a pause. During which, he asked... "are you two together?". HUH? WHAT DO YOU MEAN?? NO, I DON'T THINK HE MEANT THAT. So I asked him, "What do you mean by 'together'?" And OH MY GOD!!! he really really actually think that we're a couple! Lesbians!!!!!! GEEZ!!!! Where did that come form!!?? And of course I said, NO NO NO NO NO NO!!! Of course not!!! hahahaha... and I asked, what made him think THAT way????!!!!. He said, "well, you 2 seemed really close.... and there's chemistry...". And that was the greatest joke the 2 of us had heard. We laughed so hard, and really couldn't get over that remark for quite a while. hahahhahaa.... so farnie farnie! Perhaps that's why no guys tried to pick us up? hahahahahahhaah....

We went home around 2am. Nice nite out. Heh. :D

And I wanna feel like a Natural Woman. And I wanna sing this song to my "him" one day. A heartfelt dedication. Hope the waves will sweep him ashore soon enough (alive of course!), before I become totally undesirable to hold and behold. heh-heh...

Yes, a few other songs too, I'd like to sing to him :
Air Supply's "Two less lonely people in the world"
Babara Striesand & Bryan Adam's Duet: "Finally Found Someone"
And yes, Debbie Boone's "You Light up my life"

Will look up the lyrics later.

Ohhhhh..... you made me feel.... you made me feeeeeel....... YOU made ME feeeeeeel like a na-tu-ral wwwwwwomannnn~ yeahhhhhhhhh.........

19/12 . More abt Type 2

This is a follow-up on my last entry being a Type 2. Anyway, I did the test several times again, and guess what, I surfaced as Type 4!!!!!! Sigh. Who am I? But I still think I'm a classic Type 9. So far for all the Enneagram tests I've done repeatedly, top 3 scores are always Type 2, 4 and 9. So I can only conclude that I am a combination of these 3 types, which I agree. So far, I agree with type 9 almost totally, and type 2 agreeably, and type 4 to some extent. :D

So here's some general traits of a Type 2 :


The Helper (the Two)

Helpers are warm, concerned, nurturing, and sensitive to other people's needs.

How to Get Along with Me
• Tell me that you appreciate me. Be specific.
• Share fun times with me.
• Take an interest in my problems, though I will probably try to focus on yours.
• Let me know that I am important and special to you.
• Be gentle if you decide to criticize me.

In Intimate Relationships
• Reassure me that I am interesting to you.
• Reassure me often that you love me.
• Tell me I'm attractive and that you're glad to be seen with me.

What I Like About Being a Two
• being able to relate easily to people and to make friends
• knowing what people need and being able to make their lives better
• being generous, caring, and warm
• being sensitive to and perceptive about others' feelings
• being enthusiastic and fun-loving, and having a good sense of humor

What's Hard About Being a Two
• not being able to say no
• having low self-esteem
• feeling drained from overdoing for others
• not doing things I really like to do for myself for fear of being selfish
• criticizing myself for not feeling as loving as I think I should
• being upset that others don't tune in to me as much as I tume in to them
• working so hard to be tactful and considerate that I suppress my real feelings

Twos as Children Often
• are very sensitive to disapproval and criticism
• try hard to please their parents by being helpful and understanding
• are outwardly compliant
• are popular or try to be popular with other children
• act coy, precocious, or dramatic in order to get attention
• are clowns and jokers (the more extroverted Twos), or quiet and shy (the more introverted Twos)

Twos as Parents
• are good listeners, love their children unconditionally, and are warm and encouraging (or suffer guilt if they aren't)
• are often playful with their children
• wonder: "Am I doing it right?" "Am I giving enough?" "Have I caused irreparable damage?"
• can become fiercely protective

19/12 . RT let me down again

I am so pissed!! The FSOB did it again this time! He has let me down TWICE before, asking me out and either uncontactable on the day itself, or cancel off last minute. I am understanding. I am not an unreasonable person, but twice is enough! THIRD time? Moreover, adding insult to injury, I'm the one who ask him out, to buy him dinner for his birthday and it was agreed 1 week ago, confirmed 2 days beforehand. Hence, I would expect that any decent person would try to honour the appointment, right? If he has forgotten it due to the lack of confirmation or if it was miscommunication etc... I'm cool with it, but not when it was something which has been planned and confirmed and reconfirmed. Perhaps I really should not think nor hope that people in general are alike me. He actually sms to ask me what time to meet up tonite and have to meet clients at 9pm to discuss franchising, blah blah blah sorry he's the kind of guy that work takes precedence over private business blah blah.... What can I say? Sigh, I expected it!!!! I really am prepared that tonight is not gonna happen and INDEED!!!!!! So I told him to forget it, I'm not gonna rush thru dinner!!?? If it is not important to him then why should I compromise my dignity?? and I really really feel sorry for myself that I actually give people a third chance. FSOB!! FSOB!!!!! FSOB!!!!!!

I guess my dignity and ego is bruised. I feel insulted and I really need to look deeper why I feel so insulted and upset over it. Why aren't I cool with it? I guess the circumstances looked as though I'm so hard-up to meet him and have dinner!! I'm buying him dinner!! Does he think he's doing me a favour by squeezing a sorry 2 hours? If its an important business meeting, I wouldn't mind if he were to just let me know. I'm sure if the appointment is made with the clients in advance he can let me know and we can always reschedule, or if last minute, he can maybe have the consideration to check with me before committing to it??!!! Is it too much to expect? Am I being unreasonable? FSOB!! @#%*&#!! I really feel so upset I feel like crying but its all held up in the chest. I guess I was looking forward to having some fun and a nice evening perhaps, and its a big let down. But on second thoughts, there's no loss as well, in fact, I've just saved some dinner money. It's really just too bad! Sigh. He's not worth my time. He has just proven it 3 times. HE STOOD ME UP TWICE!!! And INSULTED ME on the 3rd time! It's my own fault. I open myself up to it. Now I've gotta lick my wounds. Stupid woman. Stupid! STUPID!!! STUPID!!!!!!!!

What a jerk. Well, men like him really made others look good. Sigh.. (moreover, he's not exactly pleasant to behold).

And I'm a foolish woman. Will be wiser, and will have to be more selective who I choose to go out with. Yeah. I'm sadder but wiser.

Perhaps, I really need to be EVEN more flexible and open to "last minute changes". I thought I'm already easy-going and flexible, but this really ... ugh.. don't know what to say.

GGGRRRRRrrrrrrrrRRrrrrrr ....I really need to release the swear words off my chest!
ARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
You FSOB!!!!!! FAH!!!!!! GTH!!!!!!! FU!!! FU!!!!

OK, feel better now.
I know, swearing is not good and favourable image for a sweet woman like me.
GAH.

OK. Forgive and forget. I'm moving on.

He'll never hear from me again. YAH. Nor will I ever respond. Must not be soft-hearted. And I'm deleting him from my friendster account as well - so what if he was the one who invited me to be a "friend" to start me off in the first place. I'm making a critical evaluation and this will be my decision. Not gonna throw pearls to swine. Too drastic? I think not. I have been trampled over and I should have done this long ago. So sorry, Ray. So sorry. I regret taking you seriously. I've given you the benefit of a doubt and I'm disappointed. I really thought you are something more, and I really wanted to get to meet you and know you as a person. But not anymore. forget it. Sigh....

So I guess, gym for this evening then. Or home to do laundry. Yah, running out of fresh underwear. hur-hur.. Oh yes, perhaps to catch up on blogging. So many happy moments to record. ^_^

And I'm looking forward to Wednesday nite, gonna meet up with my buddies and people whom I enjoy very much. It's gonna be a great time!!!! Oh dear, please, let no one cancel on me again, I might not be able to take the blow! Oh heck, I'm not that weak either, I'll live. Just not so happily everafter for the week. *_*

Waw...Blogging is really therapeutic. My chest felt sooooooo much lighter and deflated now...

hahaha... boobs are beginning to droop..... ohh-ohhhh~ (inflate! inflate!!)

19/12 . Merry Christmas!

Awwww.... I love hamsters so! -_- muack muack!

Merry Christmas everyone!!

16/12 . An invitation from Romeo

Received this message from a 20yr old guy in my Friendster account today, hur-hur.. find it so amusing. It goes :

hi

Good morning /

Good Afternoon /

Good Evening


My Name is D***y

I am writing this letter as an invitation for you to have a dinner date with me

Kindly choose your restaurant and please leave me your number here

After dinner we can go shopping or clubbing as you pleased

This meeting will include dinner /dance / clubbing / shopping /movies

Leave me your number here once you have decided on the above offer

Please book me soonest because i need to book
the restaurants / movies / condominium gymnasiums /
swimming pools / barbeque pits / clubs


Thank you
D***y


And this is my immediate reply :

Hi D***y

Thank you for your standard letter of invitation to have a dinner date with you.
Though I am not sure if I'm the intended recipient, but... nice joke. I find it rather amusing.

Regards
Viv

By the way, you are too young for me to date. But I'm sure you're charming. Have fun.


I just don't get it. DUH.

6/12 . My New Toy!!! YAY!!!

I am SO elated!!!!

Woohooooo!!!!!!!

YES!!! YES!!! YES!!!!

WOW!!! hahahaha....

I AM NOW TYPING FROM MY BRAND NEW LAPTOP - just purchased at 10pm from Harvey Norman minutes before they close!!

It's a Compaq Presario V2000 series with widescreen. Its the cheapest laptop on sale there tonight. Cost me only S$1399!!
And I paid for it with my CitiBank Visa for an installment of 12 mths, 0% interest! :D
This means, I'm paying about $120 each month for the next 12 months, and I am so pleased with this arrangement! I can still survive financially!!

At last..... YAY!!!!!!!

Muack muack muack! Oh my very own laptop! Yay!!! Yeeeeeeeeeehhaaaaaa!!!!!

And yes, it has wireless network, and it is so crever it detected the Linksys wireless connection straightaway!!! Cooooooool!! So crever crever leh!!!! heh! And this means I don't need to buy an additional wireless reciever for mum's machine -- mum can use mine and we can both access the internet simultanously!!!! Will try to set it up tonite if I'm not too tired. WAWEEE...That is SO great!!!

I'm so happy! YES! Things are definitely going uphill again. And I've been having blogging withdrawals.... so many things and thoughts to blog in. Will do that over the weekend!

I'm so happy!!!!!
And now, to set up the bluetooth adpator and load programs and stuff. Hmmmm.... but gotta sleep at 1am latest, otherwise I won't recover from my cough.

Yes, my new ipod mini can finally be formatted and I can finally use my OWN laptop to load in the songs. I'm so happy!!

Oh so cool! Just discovered I could turn the mouse pad on/off!!! WOW!!! I'm always very irritated by the office Dell laptop's mouse pad... somehow it's so sensitive that my hand's shadow can also perform functions, sometimes causing entire paragraphs I've typed to be "shaded" and replaced by the next thing I type. ARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!

I love my Compaq!! YAY!!!!!

And I love my brother and his wife for going with me and helping me make the selection. *sob-sob*.

We were there to look at a desktop unit selling at S$1499 but it was out of stock. Chris, the young chubby guy who served us is really helpful, and I'm happy to have made the purchase. I've even had 2 USB hubs & 1 Bluetooth adpator sold to me at 20% off! Should have bought a USB optical mouse as well.... this baby only have USB slot for mouse. Good thing I've a mini USB mouse a friend gave me as spare. heh! :D

Ok. Time to do other stuff. Yahoooo!!!!

26/11 . It finally crashed.

Sigh....
MY HARD DISK CRASHED.

Finally.

Strangely, I'm rather cool about it... when the boot-up kept prompting me for the HDD password. I don't feel concerned. What HDD password? And I feel no emotions.

And I know, my laptop has crashed on me.
And I know, I don't know what to do about it.
And I know, there will be inaction on my part.

Don't really feel the pain yet. Will come later, I guess, especially when I need some data and meet the reality that they are all gone. AUGH.

Why is my whole world falling apart?
Time for self-pity...
I'm falling apart... and now my laptop crashed... what's next?

Will have to spend the weekend without touching the computer. Feels handicapped.
Moreover, I need to print out the chord sheets for the guitar individual assessment, as well as listen to the mp3 file my classmate sent so I can play the styles and arrangements accordingly - this is punishment for waiting to do things/practise till last minute. Another one of my special talents.

No one will believe such a lame tale as - "Oh I didn't get to practise the 2 songs for the whole week because my laptop crashed." Even I won't believe it. hur-hur.. I could have printed it out from the office. I could have listened to the 2 songs during the week. Arrrrrghhh....

Well, life goes on.
And perhaps I can now finally go get my new laptop.
But it'll be beyond my means.
I was supposed to pay back mum the outstanding S$10,000 loan. After that, the earnings I received could then be saved up, and then I can get a new laptop.
That was supposed to happen probably in Q3 of 2006.
And I want to stay debt free.
My old Gateway was supposed to last me till then.
Sigh....


Well then, hopefully something can be done to revive my Gateway.
Actually, it's my brother's Gateway.

Why am I so cool and calm?
Well, I guess I couldn't get more depressed than I already was?!
Time to go uphill.

TIME TO GO UPHILL!!!

26/11 . Another milestone

How unexpected, how thrilling.... feels so unreal.
Almost life-changing!

And at 3am???? Gosh!

Hope I'll never forget this -- certainly a day to remember...
May there be many more. Hee hee... dream dream dream...

Yes, another new step in 2005 - another milestone in my life.

26/11 . I think too much!

Sigh...
I think too much
I think too much!
I think too much!!!
I think too much!!!!!!!
I really think too much!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Don't think so much!!!!!!!!!!
I really shouldn't think so much.
Yet I can't stop thinking too much.
And yes, I think I think too much
Oh yes, I think that I think that I think too much
I just think that I think that I think that I think too much
*Seow liao~*
ARRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
STOP!!!!!
I'm going crazy!!!!!!!!!!


... I need to cry ...

24/11 . My Redeemer is faithful and true

One of my favorite old songs that kept ringing in my mind today....
Sometimes it amazes me how some songs can just rise from the soul out of the blue?
Well, the Holy Spirit is at work... I suppose ..
I've not sung this song for a long long while :

My Redeemer
Is Faithful And True

(Steven Curtis Chapman and James Isaac Elliott)

[Psalm 103:17]

Verse 1:

As I look back on the road I've travelled,
I see so many times He carried me through;
And if there's one thing that I've learned in my life,
My Redeemer is faithful and true.
My Redeemer is faithful and true.

Chorus:

My Redeemer is faithful and true.
Everything He has said He will do,
And every morning His mercies are new.
My Redeemer is faithful and true.

Verse 2:
My heart rejoices when I read the promise
'There is a place I am preparing for you.'
I know someday I'll see my Lord face to face,
'Cause my Redeemer is faithful and true.
My Redeemer is faithful and true.

Bridge:
And in every situation
He has proved His love to me;
When I lack the understanding,
He gives more grace to me.

* * * * * * * * *

*sob-sob*
Yes, everything He said, He will do.
I will trust His faithfulness.
Amen.

23/11 . Slurp~ Nice Guy in Lift!

OOhh... I met a guy in the lift this morning and I've been dreaming about him whole day! (eer-hem!) .. What's going on with me? Am I "in-heat"? hur-hur.... or have I become so desparate and lonely that I'd drool at every man who talked to me? Hahaha... that's a scary thought. I've always been quite cool about my singlehood until recently... and now I'm still quite cool (on the surface) but secretly yearning for MR RIGHT to come sweep me off my feet soon! MOREOVER, lately this "need" has been rising and rising in my soul and mind and I'm beginning to feel the ache of loneliness much too often!! This is not good! But I guess, recent events have dragged my joy factor and positive energy down and have made me vulnerable in these areas of emotional needs..... (excuses, excuses...)

Anyway, before I forget the nice encounter, I must blog it down quickly! Often times a nice moment can be quickly replaced by something horrid and unpleasant, and for one such as me... I'd not have the mood to write nor talk about the happy encounter till the gloom is over. Blog is good~, blog is so good! It is my designated memory bank, hur-hur, my therapy session and I really appreciate this new experience more and more! Yes, Don't think it, INK it!

In the Lift..... (love is in the air again!)

Well, again, I was late for work (consistently & perpetually) this morning and arrived about 9.30+ am. Dad usually left me at the roadside slightly further off so he can have enough distance to lane change to the right and make the right turn at the traffic lights ahead. I'll then make my way round the block and stride across the square - it's a longer distance - but hey, I should be grateful that dad drives me to work almost every morning! And anyway, all these are irrelevant to the lift encounter, heh. It's me meandering off the topic again. hur-hur... It's a talent. hur-hur...

After the "short" walk, I arrived at the office lift lobby... rosy cheek and all (Ok, its the pink rouge..) and there stood this lone tall guy (well, maybe around 1.75m? donno lar) in front of me. I stayed a distance behind him as we waited for the lift to reach ground level. He's wearing a nicely pressed white shirt with faint thin stripes (or do you call it pin stripes?) and black pants, and I think, also a tie. I don't have eyes for details, heh, but My Best Friend would surely be able to provide greater details of the shirt & tie & belt or fragrance etc.. if she's present. She's so good she can observe things without looking (like secret agents in movies). And yes, back to him -- He wore spectacles and was lugging an office-on-wheels roller bag - looks just like any normal executives, however he does strike me as neat and tidy (and lean).

Jing~ and the lift door opens... natuarally, I waited for him to enter first.

But Awwwwwwww....... he's a gentlemen, he held the door open and gestured to me to enter first. (Hmmm... good impression liao). Coyly (*KNS) I whispered a "thanks" with a sweet smile and gracefully floated into the lift.. Ok. I didn't float - that would be scary. I twirled in like a ballerina... NO? OK. I glided in like a snake (haha... must be the residual effect of watching Harry Porter). Oh wait.. I triple-somersaulted into the lift. HAHAhhahaha.... (Oops, I have this feeling I'm the only person laughing at my own corny jokes right now, hahaha...). OK, enough of nonsense.

I stepped (better?) into the lift and pressed 10 and the door-open button. And my mouth opened.. ;P

Me: "..Which floor?" (I asked as he entered the lift, not expecting him to answer -- most people just ignore you anyway and will press or check the number for themselves.)
Him: "Oh, the @%^$_th floor, thanks" (HUH? O dear..I couldn't decipher what he just said~ I really chow hee lang liao wor...)
But it sounded like Eighth. So...
Me: "8th?" (too late - he had went ahead to press 8. heh-heh-heh so much so for trying to be helpful - with the mouth - .... and the lift door closes)
Him: ". . mmm. . . . " (I think he smiled "thanks", hence I also smiled "welcome")
Me: " . . . . . " (Standard lift behaviour : look at the floor, at the buttons, then the door... fiddle with my bag, digging for my door badge..)

And he broke the silence....

Him: "So, do you work here in this building?" (Hmmmm..., he's not presumptuous! Heh-heh, BUT I AM!! Heh, I had already assumed he must work here (common sense right?? - WRONG. He might be a visitor or contractor or ...etc.) And *gulp* I'm actually pleasantly surprised that he spoke to me... And wah.. he so friendly and nice. And wah.. he's rather pleasant looking leh. And wah... I like his voice and the way he speaks leh... wah...wah... *drool* .. OK, time to answer him)
Me : "Yea!" (nodded and smiled - don't know what else to say!! Better keep mouth closed in case the drool splattered out - And shucks! should have asked him back... where are your manners?)
Him: "So where do you work?"
Me: "Me? Oh, 10th floor" *smile* (oh no, getting tongue-tied)
Him: "Hmmm... sorry, I'm not so familiar, so what's on the 10th floor?" (!!!!!!!Oh oh~, this is the moment I realised that ARRRRGH NO!... can't believe I gave that DUH "10th floor" answer - DUH!!!!!!!! alamak!!!!! ...DUH... Aiyo... -- Oh but what a nice guy, so polite, and he MUST be thinking what a dingbat I am! *sob-sob* and Oh no~.... I'm beginning to feel self-conscious and gan-ziong!!! arrrgghhh...)
Me: "Oooh, there're 3 companies up in the 10th floor, I work in Mer$%^Oli#&Wy*#%^n..... , and the other 2 are...errr... mmm ... there's a Hitachi something and a ..K.. Koei entertainment..?? Yah, hee hee" (I mumble-jumbled over my company name and i giggled out of utter embarassment, and I was about to blush liao...and yes, I was getting flustered...OOoooffff! And Oh, should I ask him back? Aiya how to ask? Maybe..)

And, Jing~ ... it came the moment ... the lift braked, heh, and the doors opened at the 8th. Awwwwww.... so fast? Oh no, so sad. I still wanna talk... (Stay, stay, stay..... I said using telepathic waves..)
Well, looks like he have not installed the wireless receiver for telepathic waves. So, Mr Nice guy strolled out with his roller bag tugging behind him, and he turned to me and said with a nice smile, in an oh-so-pleasant-and-genuine way: "...So, I'll see you around?.." and the door closes as the hero walks into the sunset. (Hur-hur.. ok, its still morning)

Awwwwww......
Awwwwwwwww........
What's his name? What's on the 8th floor? Hey, is he just being friendly? Or... (er-hem) ... or... or.. aiya hee hee too shy to speak my mind la ... hee hee (piak-piak!!! mai KNS!). Alright alright, or.. could he be (er-hem) .. interested?????????? Me?? I look pretty today meh? My hair is in a mess.. my tummy is so ...

But WAIT!!! He could be married! Or already attached!! Yeah, why shouldn't he be? And he could be too young! Yeah? He looks probably just 27? 28? 30? Sighhhhhhhhhhh.......

And-and-and ..
If he's interested, he would have asked for my name right?
He would have introduced himself, right?
And after the kind of silly answers I gave, it goes without saying why should he ever bother to ask for my name right? hee-hee-heee..
Haaaiz...I guess, in conclusion and facing the cruel realities of life -- I guess he's just a friendly guy who doesn't like silence in the lift lah....... SIGH...

But it sure makes my day! (Yipppiee!!!! Waahaaa!!!)

Anyway, after lunch, I checked up what's on 8th floor. Teeheehee... It's .. (don't tell you) .. mmmmm.... an IT & Financial Solutions firm - whole of 8th floor, heh-heh.
A friend advised me to hang around the lift lobby at 9.30am daily to catch him again, heh, but that's NOTpractical enough lar.. I shall hang around the 8th floor's lift lobby every morning - sure can catch. *SLURP~* (HEE-keekeekekeke...)

Well, I guess the small chat-in-the-lift had triggered off some romantic fantasy from within me, and probably the yearning in most girls' heart to be desired and to feel attractive. And its so rare that men in Singapore would initiate a conversation with a lady, yeah? But well, who am I to say this? I'm not found in social clubs or pubs to testify to it, nor am I a hot babe that commands men's attention...... Hence this became a rare experience for me. Come to think of it.... this is the 2nd time any stranger guy spoke to me in a lift!!!!!! (yeah, that's less than 1 year ago!).... Well, at least the last guy asked for my name and my card. And HEY!! I was wearing the same pin-striped black shirt too! Hmmmmm..... HMMMMMMMM..... do you think there can be a connection? (Hohoho....WAH HA HA HA HA HA.... BAH hahahahahaha...... I shall wear this E V E R Y D A Y !)

But on pondering it further, I guess I'd still prefer someone whom I can talk to endlessly and feel absolutely comfortable with, without freezing up or getting flustered or overly self-conscious... Encounters such as these -- though sweet and feeds and satisfies my romantic fantasies and notions -- might potentially short-circuit my ability to see and know the guy as who he is and become friends, and if I'm self-conscious, I won't be my charming silly old self. Hmmmmm... So I guess, there's no need to wait at the 8th floor lobby liao - WASTE TIME. But-But-but.... it'll really be nice to see him again, haha.. Oh what a struggle - the head and the heart - the rational and the irrational.


Kissing Lessons

Yes, and today, a guy friend offered to teach me how to kiss.
Practical lessons.
He said, aiyo, you kanna guy in lift freeze liao like that how? must go after him! catch him! Hit on him!!! Anyway, the conversation somehow lead to kissing. And he said, how can you go on a date without knowing how to kiss? AND of course I have many things to say in rebutt to that.
And he said, don't be so conservative lah, it's not the 70's anymore! Keep until die meh? Kissing won't get you pregnant hoh.... etc etc.
He also said, Imagine you go on a date the guy kiss you and your kiss is lousy and flat how?
I ask, Huh? How is "lousy and flat" kiss like?
He said, No feeling lor- like dead fish lor, a good kiss has to be stimulating and arousing..... And he said, I can show you lor (wwoooo.....)
And I ask, how to show? (hahah... imagine him kissing a pillow or his own hand..)
He said, kiss you lar!!!!!! (yikes~ oh no no no no... cannot cannot...hmm..can...can...)
So -- next week -- he is going to show me HOW to give and enjoy a good kiss by giving me practical lessons, heh-heh. (Next week-- because he's not free this week. @$&^%#%*! so KNS!!!!!)

Mmmmmm...

Hmmmmmmmmmm..... (should I?)

Well... err..... I have not said yes but I'll think about it(tsk tsk tsk.... sounds enticing...)

And eeeek~ somehow, the cigarette breathe of a chain-smoker lips don't appeal to me. In fact, its a turn off. And anyway, I told him, haha, he can TKK, and thanks, its nice to know someone is actually willing to kiss me. (Baahahahaha....)

Ideally..
I'd really like my first kiss to be romantic, and given away to a guy whom I feel is truly attracted to me or whom I'm attracted to (Attraction = connection, feelings for). And THAT's how I'd like to remember it.
Brrrr..rrrr.rr.. Can't imagine practicing it with just any guy - I don't think I've reached this stage of desparation. GAH.

But.. hey! On 2nd thoughts, why not? Ah hee hee heee....
What if nobody would ever wanna kiss me? Naaaa.... Can't be
( Woman, make up your mind!!!! )

.............AND HOPE DEFFERED MAKES THE HEART SICK.

And today, I felt kind of lonesome again. Sigh...... Just gotta deal with it, I guess.

And in the afternoon, I had some more difficult conversations and personal issues to deal with.. and feel really lousy

But I will dream about meeting Mr Nice Guy in the lift again, YES make it soon. No, make it tomorrow!

In HIS time, He makes all things beautiful...

Amen.