26/12 . Tim

Tim.

Sigh~ have been thinking and wondering about him again recently, not all the time, but on and off. He's one I've deliberately blocked out.... because somehow it still aches whenever thoughts of him surfaced. Still have not completely understand why, but more or less I have my conclusions.

I first encounter Tim on 12th April this year. It was over Yahoo Chat. I was curious about the whole chatroom thing when one of my friends told me how she chatted with some guys from Malaysia and other parts of the world ..etc. I thought it's high time I find out what all these chatroom fun is all about. So one night, feeling bored and curious enough, I went to Yahoo and clicked on Chat. Following some simple instructions, I'm registered and I'm in. And I spent perhaps an hour plus visiting and viewing the conversations going on in different chatrooms and found it to be totally boring or meaningless. No one is really chatting in the public view, or I have no clue how to join in the thread of messages, or everyone in the room is private messaging (PM) one another. I received quite a large no. of rude or suggestive PMs and most of them are guys from India. Nothing against guys from India, but somehow after answering a few I got very turned-off, because all they want to know is if I have a picture to send over, a webcam, or if I'm naked or what's my vital statistics. GAH. Just as I was about to turn in for the night and forget about chatrooms or yahoo chats stuff forever, I decided to try one last room. I went to a "Singapore" chatroom, can't remember which, either 'kopithiam' or 'singapore sling' and typed into the general window if there's anyone from Singapore. Hey, it was a Tuesday nite, 2.30am and I doubt anyone in Singapore is awake other than me.

And to my surprise I received a PM window from someone, saying "I am, why?". So I replied, "Oh, bcoz its time to go to bed my dear..". And we began a really interesting and enjoyable conversation. I have no reservations about sharing my thoughts because I guess I feel safe that its just words typed into cyberspace and no personal information is shared. All I know is, we laughed and chatted till 5.30am, unwilling to bring it to a close but have to bcos both of us had to work the next day. He is only 26 or 27 years old, but we really connected.

Over the next few days, we couldn't wait to chat with each other - on my part it is also becos this is new and fun, and we explored deep topics and shared life to some extent, and in a way, he really won my heart over when he started to express attraction for me. And I think, we sort of feel mutually attracted to each other. He even want to date me out despite me saying NO WAY because I'm not sure if it's safe, and he was really good at countering all the hurdles I set up to guard my heart. hahaha... he was really sweet and really funny. And for me, this is the first time ever .... that I am mutually attracted to someone. All my life, it was ALWAYS single-sided crushes. No guy whom I like has ever liked me back. And it felt scary because the feelings communicated is rather strong though we know we had a great age gap, and we've never met face to face, and we're from different churches and backgrounds and have no idea if this would lead to anything serious. It is also the first time I've 'met' any guy who tells me that he finds me special and different from other girls he ever dated or met, and finds me interesting and funny and enjoys me. Of course, that's my perspective. He's convincing. And he has dated and had enough of young girls and their temperaments and childishness and materialism blah blah blah... and really prefers older women. And I guess, I'm a sucker to actually feel flattered. Can't really blame me, right? *_*

Could this be a prayer answered?!!? I was not searching for love, but have love found me just when I was least expecting it? It was a thought that crossed my mind ..... and that sent such a thrill of excitement and anticipation as I dug for my journal, which I remembered writing down my prayer request - a check list - to God, on the Man I am desiring for as my mate. I had written this prayer after I felt so utterly crushed and disappointed that the guy from my office whom I had a year-long crush on *sigh* ...could possibly be a closet gay. *_* Not proven, but its OK, because he definitely not taken any interest in me. Anyway, that's another long story.

I guess, if I were to pray again for the Man of my life today, it will be totally different prayer...... Some attributes are not important anymore, and there will be new ones added. Well, perhaps I shall do it later on - a fresh list. hahahahhaa.....

This is verbatim from my journal entry of 17 Oct 2004:

Father,
I've prayed specifically and I believe You answer specifically. I've prayed, and I'm now praying again for the Man in my life.... I pray that he will be one who (is) :

1. A lover of God and the Word of God
2. Loves to worship and praise and sing and pray
3. Helpful, self-giving, generous, kind
4. Honest, caring, sensitive, loving
5. Fun, sense of humour, loves to laugh
6. Healthy, active, able-bodied
7. Financially strong (yet giving)
8. Adores me as who I am (finds me adorable and enjoys me)
9. Understanding, "big brother", "buddy
10. Good 'down-to-earth' taste in dress-sense
11. Speaks fairly well and clear
12. Speaks english and mandarin well
13. Plays a musical instrument, musically inclined
14. Loves TV, movies, plays, drama, muscials
15. Loves food and enjoy trying new things
16. Modest, sincere and genuine, transparent
17. Encouraging, sees the good in others
18. Can talk with me and connect with me on many topics. Have a good sense of imagination and can appreciate my lame jokes
19. Conscientious, hardworking, brave
20. I must have "chemistry" attraction with him (mutual)

Lord, I have listed down so much, it seems impossible to have such a perfect guy, and one that would fall in love with me. Yet nothing is impossible with God. (*blah blah blah blah... other stuff*..)

(haha, actually I really feel paiseh typing the above up man~!!! hahahahaha.... feel rather ridiculous..*blush* it's really quite a tall order, yet rather general at the same time, and I think i have at least 20 more items to add to it, hahahahahaa...... and now I admit.. I AM FUSSY!)

Anyway, with all that I've learnt about Tim during the few days we chatted, I matched him to the list.... and GOSH~ Tim potentially fulfilled 90% of the list!!!!!!!!!!! In fact, things look so good that it really freaked me out, and I was thrilled to the core at the same time. COULD HE BE THE ONE???????????????? Oh no! Can't be happening that fast, right? But he's so young??!! Younger than my younger brother, and I'll be a cradle snatcher would I? I wouldn't wanna feel that I'm mothering him would I? ....and of course, as usual, I was thinking too much.

And we did meet up once, just briefly. He was in town for a meeting, and I was leaving office earlier because I was down with fever and cough. So we had soup together. And he looks so different from his picture I was rather disappointed. Yah, I guess I was shallow, heh-heh, BUT I refuse to let my shallowness ruin it. I can get beyond the looks... I can get used to the small facial features and small yellow teeth and the hunch... *guffaws*
But, on the other hand, he found me attractive looking. HEH *smug-smug, I win* Anyway, so says he. I guess, on retrospect, I find it hard to believe anymore, he probably don't mean it. And I was slimmer then.... 5kg lighter. (Augh, my heart is aching again).

Anyway, he started calling me on the phone. His voice was (er-hem) not what I imagined. Disappointing... haha... kind of like a young school boy and Donald Duck. I had imagined his voice to be more matured and manly perhaps.. And whilst on the phone with me, he'd be working on his laptop, watching the TV or gaming concurrently. Or 10 mins into the conversation, he'll tell me he'll call me back later because he's going to play computer golf, or ask me to hold on while he watched TV. So I really wondered why he calls me, because we actually have no "flow" talking over the phone! Almost like doing me a favour by calling me!!! *Anal* And most of the time, I am getting frustrated silently at the lack of attention and interest in our phone conversations. Most of the time, the conversation just started with him saying "I'm so tired....." or "I'm so exhausted" or "I'm so busy....". In that case, I have no heart to take up his time (yeah, I think I sounded anal, but I really feel bad for him, and feel that I need to be very understanding and should not bother him much, and should let him rest or go back to his work or game or TV. However, at the same time, I ask myself if this is how I want a relationship to be. I feel sorry for myself that I'm always waiting for him and being understanding. And I feel really needy. And I feel that I really miss him when he can't spend time with me nor afford time for me. And I feel bad that I wanted more, much more from him. I feel disatisfied that I'm not getting first class treatment. When I ask guys about it, they tell me immediately to forget about him. Because judging from the phone behaviour, he is not into me. That is really devastating news - because in this case, guys know best.

And oh, the promises he made--never fulfilled, of course. He promised to date me out once he's done with helping out on preparations of his friend's wedding. He's doing the photo montage, and at the same time, will be covering his friend's job during the honeymoon. They worked together, partners in the same company. I respect that, and totally understand, and looked forward to the date which he said will be very romantic and which he's gonna be bringing me somewhere and showing me something surprising etc etc. However, after the wedding, I still never heard from him. And finally, laying down my own ego, dignity and pride, I begin to try contacting him instead of waiting for his call. We were supposed to go out on a Monday, which was a public holiday (Labour Day). Finally, in the evening, he replied -- He was sick, high fever. Oh. I see. But in the evening when I called him to check if he's any better, he was out, helping his friend with something. Anyway, neither did I hear from him after he recovered. I used to receive his sms regularly throughout the day asking what am I doing, how's my day, and sweet good nites etc... But it trickled down to no more. SIGH~ this is so so so so sad. And I went into distress and depression over him.

Finally, one day, enough is enough. And I got him on the phone, and asked him point blank what is happening. Why does it seem that he has withdrawn so drastically? And his answer was painful...... he replied, that he felt I had pushed him away (I think, he once ask me what inspires me in a man and probably what I told him gave him the idea that he's not inspiring???) ... because he is not the suitable man for me.. felt he really will not be able to make me happy because he has no time and right now he needs to focus on his business to achieve the million dollar mark in the next 2 years... and the age gap is also an issue because it'll be hard for him to explain that to his mum... and ..he'll be bad influence for me... blah blah blah... Hence he is happy to leave things be.

I cried my heart out for days. Heart-broken. Rejected. And I really blamed myself. And its true, I was really doubtful & uncertain about Tim and I was quite honest with him. I told him things like : I'd like the man to be from the same church so that we share the same vision and direction... He's gotta be a man who really loves God's presence and who wants to live a life pleasing to God etc. Sad to say, today I don't feel nor think the same way anymore. So much has changed since April. So much have happened in my life. I myself am no longer the same.

And I wonder, if I were to get to know him today, how different would things be? Oh, better not entertain that thought. Don't be silly!!!! Wake up!!!!!!! *piak-piak!*

But like what SH told me (when I shared with her that I might be developing a crush on someone I knew recently) -- I just need to date more men. Yeah, she's absolutely right. That's a good piece of advice. See more people... and that will fine-tune what I want and what I don't want... and make good friends without expectations. Really. Though it is really hard. I will have to just remind myself to see these guys I go out with as friends. And even if I fancy one of them, I'll have to keep my heart safe by not being over-enthusiastic. Because I know, I cannot afford to "run after" anymore guys and face the rejection. My heart is too fragile right now. It's good to let the guys make the first move. I can't tell subtle signs well. And I guess, I'll have to wait for a guy who'll finally make obvious indication that he is attracted to me after knowing me well enough and want to perhaps "go deeper". hahaha... is that the right way? I don't know, perhaps. I really lack the wisdom in this department. Sigh.... (wow, this sure looks like an emotional baggage eh?). More advice from my pals : Don't EVER be too revealing or honest about your emotions to a guy (- in my case, it usually comes like tidal waves I guess~ hur-hur) because they will not be able to handle it. Oh, is there hope for an emotionally rich person like me?

Anyway, my story with Tim lasted only 3 weeks (SO SHORT??? AND SUCH A LONG STORY!!!!????) , and we didn't keep in regular contact afterwards - DUH, of course.. I deleted him from my yahoo contacts, deleted his number from my mobile (but still keep it in my diary just in case), deleted all traces of conversations with him because reading them brings only pain and severe heart aches.. ... even right now, I'm feeling it as I type on. I sent him sms from time to time, when I suddenly miss him or feel 'cool' about it. And I'd regret immediately - and feel 'not cool' with his resond. Especially once, when I've sms him and he had no idea who am I and asked for my identity. Good thing he called me up after I sent an acidic answer.... and explained he had lost his mobile and hence the contact numbers therein.. (not sure if that's a bloody lie, though, but I chose to believe him) and then he asked if I missed him. WHY DO GUYS DO THAT???? Asking me if I missed him!!??? *OUCH*. And silly me, I said "yes..." (too honest) and wanted to ask him if he felt the same, does he want me to miss him? - Phew~ good thing those words never left my mouth, I don't think I'll be able to handle his answer. After that I had to go cry my heart out again. I asked for it. ARGH~!

And often times, till now, I still wonder what is it about him that got me so bewitched or enchanted. I think, it is probably because: the circumstances in which I've came to know him was somewhat a fulfillment of a fantasy. I was swept off my feet unexpectedly. And because of the mind-to-mind connection established over chatting, there was a deep connection of the soul (that's what a friend told me about effects of IRC chats and online relationships). And because we even went into discussions on topics of intimacy, certain expectations was built. And I think, it was the HOPE factor too. And HOPE DEFERRED & UNFULFILLED. I feel that he had given up on me too easily, without trying... which hits me hard because it signifies "I'm not worth it". His pulling back made me fell so much forward that till today, I've not really picked myself up totally from that fall. I was naive, I was inexperienced, I was too honest, I was too quick to invest emotions, I was too foolish. And I guess, I had really wanted something to come out of it. Fools rush in. Silly woman.

But I am grateful too, that this took place in my life, because it impacted me so much that afterwhich, I obtained a brand new perspective and paradigm shift. Also, as I've said, I was not actively searching for someone.. merely praying and waiting for things to happen. But meeting him opened me up to a real need in my life. That it is time to seriously think about meeting people, open up my social circle, go dating with an open mind. Stop ruling people out. Get to know them as an individual, let them get to know you too. (Heh, forgive me, I think I'm repeating the same things over and over... almost like I'm preaching. )

Was out with Woon on Christmas eve, and mentioned to her about Tim... because he works near the Expo and stays nearby (can't remember where...) and we were on our way to Orchard Road from the Singapore Expo. Feeling brave (plus a stroke of impulse), I called him on his mobile.... no answer. Called again.. still no answer. Unwilling to give up, I sent him an sms saying "Hey Tim, merry christmas, wanna meet up for a drink?". no reply. AUGH. Regrets. But a few hours later I got a reply from him!!!!!!!!!! He wrote, "Hey Hey, merry christmas to you too... At Bintan Club Med now. Let's catch up next week? ... Will try and catch John too, cheers!". John?? Who's John? Well, either he mistook me for someone else, or John would be his best friend whom he helped with the wedding. But hmmmmm.... I doubt so, because that friend is malay and I don't recall that his malay best friend's name is John, its some kind of initials.... GAH. So I think I should really regret BIG TIME now... because he have not the slightest clue who am I !!!!!!! AAAHHHHHHH REGRETS!!!! REGRETS!!!!!! REGRETS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But anyway, that's me. I would "heck it" and take actions that I'd regret. But hey, I think its better to have done it and screwed it than to always wonder how would it be if I had done it.

With this thought, I'm giving myself a pat on the shoulder. And yes, for all of you who are reading this account, I'm sure you feel quite sorry for me. And probably you'd be shaking your head and sighing. Well then, just love me and feed me and never leave me (quoting Garfield) :D

So I guess, if Tim really did contact me this week when he's back from Bintan, it'll be interesting to meet up with him again. Before I wrote this post I was still planning to meet him up. But now, I'm having second thoughts - now that I've just remembered and revived all the heart aches, do I really want to go through it again and subject myself to MORE of it? Am I a sadist or what? A dog who returns to its vomit? Only fools would make repeated mistakes right? But I really wonder, how would it be to meet him again, after all these changes in my state of mind? I've never really gone out with him before and knowing him face-to-face as a person. Am I still hoping to start off any sparks with him? Am I still trying to pursue the dream? Perhaps meeting up with him will bring proper closure because I'd be laughing till I have stitches over my utter foolishness and stupidity? Hahhaha... really, perhaps so. That'll be good. Let me be so over him that I'll never miss him nor entertain hope nor weave dreams with him within again.

I don't know. I'll keep you posted, so stay tuned. :o)

And now, to rub some hong-you on my chest. It's aching like hell.
Sigh.... Tim.


******************
After Post Note: (27-Dec-05, 2.30pm)

OUCH. Sent Tim a sms this morning, asking him by the way who's John, and if he knew who exactly he was replying to... and ALAS! Indeed I'm right!!! He mistook me for someone else. I got a reply near noon saying "err err". Not sure what it means, but with my IQ of 124, I think it means he made an error. Sigh, why do I do these things to myself. NOBODY will pity me. :o(

*sob-sob-sob* *sniff-sniff* *self-hugz*
Yep. Still gotta love myself for this. Brave gal, brave gal. Stupid, but brave.