27/12 . You've got a friend

Today -- is really a day in which I felt miserable throughout, draining me of energy and motivation to work, even appetite... SIGH~ definitely the entry I made on Tim really brought a major heartache, and the pain throbbed and lasted through the day. To make things worst, it was confirmed that he had thought I was somebody else when he replied my sms, and I guess, its no point meeting up with him for drinks even if he eventually ask. Because I should not try to meet him in such a fragile state, nor should I feed the hope that meeting up would actually revive anything. So, once again, I need to cut the chords.

Supposed to meet a friend to celebrate her birthday this evening - had been trying to get her since beginning of the month - and she sms'd to cancel it. I feel so pissed off!!! Oh,not again!!! I no longer know if she's really having headaches or fevers for real or are these really just lame repeated recycled excuses when she feels lazy to leave home. She said, how about tomorrow, and I really wanna turn sarcastic on her and tell her to pick any day that she's sure won't be having a headache. I definitely feel anal that she thinks I'll give her priority for other days of the week? But donno lah, she might really be having migraine issues. Anyway, I told her 'well maybe next year'. I just have no more fuel nor cheer left to bless her with a birthday meal. Why do I bother? So far it's almost like I can't wait to celebrate her birthday and she's taking it easy. Hmmmm.... sounds familiar, I think its me who needs to change. OK then. Next year 2006, I ought to just bother about people who'd bother about me - people who cares for me, who values me, who was gracious and kind towards me. Forget about those so-called friends who take you for granted.

Just before 6pm I had a short chat with WW over MSN too. The conversation also ended up in pain, but I see it coming. I need to know the truth, even if it means cruel and cold hard truth. And yes, indeed the truth is brutal and shattering. Oh how broken I feel... !!!!!! After the conversation with WW (which perhaps.. should be the last time ever if I want to prevent further aches from this channel), whatever woe and pain that was accumulating and building up in me finally overwhelmed me and I really really need to burst into tears and let it pour...I need to cry.. and need to cry with someone by my side. *sob sob sob*

I think -- this is one of the rare times I needed someone to cry with.. a shoulder to cry on - to have someone to extend some comfort or just be with me. I usually cry while I'm alone or would hide away from my friends when I need to cry.... they'll just learn about it later on or maybe they won't even know I've cried.. (unless the dams broke whilst in the midst of conversations.) And right then at the office, almost 6.30pm, I'm on the verge of bursting into tears and trying my best to hold them back... there are only 3 friends I could think of. One of them stays too far away... Another works just next building but needs to leave for Cityhall to help her sis with some purchases.... and the last friend - which is really a last resort - though working not so far away, was busy and rushing work. O How sad, when you really needed a friend and a shoulder to cry on, no one is available....... :(

But God is good.... I was so glad when my best friend, who works next building whom I ruled out because she's going CityHall, told me she's only gonna be leaving around 8pm! So I asked if I could go over to see her because I needed to cry. Mega thick-skin.. but yeah, I really need someone and a place to cry my heart out. I can't take it anymore. Thank God for her..... she did not hesitate to say its OK. So once she said yes (and confirmed that coast is clear at her office), I shut down the laptop, took my stuff and went over immediately. Yeah, mama-DRAMA. On the way across the fountain square, my tears are already burning in my eyes, and my heart felt like it's splitting into halves. My soul filled with utter disappointments and helplessness, and the minute I stepped into her office, I just started to sob (would love to wail, but that'll be really dramatic). So I cried... and she passed me tissue.. and then bring me a chair (I was standing)... and somehow I felt tickled by my baby-like behaviour that I started laughing at myself. So I did not cry as much as I thought I would. hahahaha..... (yeah, now I could laugh) *_*

And we started talking, she comforted me and asked guiding questions as I try to tell her why I reached breaking point. And after a while, the pain and aches sort of lifted off. And later on, even when I try to feel it again, its not there anymore. SHE'S GOOD. SHE'S VERY VERY VERY GOOD. Waw. Amazing. heh.. but she says its not that she's good leh (wah~ so humble as usual).. she says thatz because I'm easy to cheer (hahah, like babies - distract them while they're crying and they'll be laughing liao).. and that my emotions are fast-come-fast-go mah. HOH? Wah.. That's deep. She must be right. She's the smart one.

After that, we swop feelings and stories and ranted and vented, and then I showed her some of those ice-breakers and messages from guys I received over at 'lovehappens.com' and we had a nice laugh. However, what made the evening fun was that a guy from Greece had sent me an icebreaker within few minutes of me logging in. He's really good-looking, but we're not sure if that's really his picture. hahahhaa... Anyway, we returned an icebreaker from the list of icebreaker lines. Then he returned another one, and so we returned another one, almost playing an icebreaker game, hur-hur. Was enjoying the cheap thrills and feeling back to me old self somewhat. :D And finally, I sent that guy an email, otherwise there'll be no end to it. Btw, when I reached home to check my emails, I actually got a reply from him giving me his MSN and YM address. Well-well.... will chat with him soon and I guess, I'll make another interesting new friend.

And I'd like to thank my friends for being there for me in times of need, no matter how ridiculous I seem. I deeply appreciate you. And I hope you'll do the same - call me - when you need someone you could trust to be there for you... I might not be able to give the best of advice, but I know my presence will help by just being there.

And I dedicate this song to you, my friends:

You've Got A Friend

When you're down and troubled
And you need some loving care
And nothing, nothing is going right
Close your eyes and think of me
And soon I will be there
To brighten up even your darkest night

You just call out my name
And you know wherever I am
I'll come running to see you again
Winter, spring, summer or fall
All you have to do is call
And I'll be there, yes I will
You've got a friend

If the sky above you
Grows dark and full of clouds
And that old north wind begins to blow
Keep your head together
And call my name out loud
Soon you'll hear me knocking at your door

You just call out my name
And you know wherever I am
I'll come running to see you again
Winter, spring, summer or fall
All you have to do is call
And I'll be there

Ain't it good to know that you've got a friend
When people can be so cold
They'll hurt you, and desert you
And take your soul if you let them
Oh, but don't you let them

You just call out my name
And you know wherever I am
I'll come running to see you again
Winter, spring, summer or fall
All you have to do is call
And I'll be there
You've got a friend