26/12 . Hmmm.. My life in 2006

Been thinking too much these few days again. My whole mind filled with thoughts of the current year, and the year ahead, how its gonna be like. I am the sort who can't see too far ahead, and not a person who run after goals. But I always have critical evaluations and make new decisions along the way... and live for each day. Sometimes, I just live on without thinking much, when it is packed with activities of work and committments. But when I finally stop to think, I have no idea what to do about the state my life has come to. Lately, I've been taking the time to pace out, to think, to wonder, to analyse, to discover, to experience, to make mistakes, to take bold new steps, to heck it, to enjoy the moment, to cry, to be honest with myself, to acknowledge my fears, to accept my ugliness, to laugh, to live.

Next year, I want my life to be different.

Now that I have relinquished all committments and activities... other than work, I want to celebrate life in 2006. I want to taste life. I want to experience things I've always wondered about, or wished for, or wanted to do but too passive to do anything about it. I want my life to be filled up, so that I will not be pining for a man as THE solution to make my life complete. No no no... no more, it must stop. My life gotta be full, so it can overflow into another's. I have to stop hoping to meet a guy so he can fill me up.

And of course, to 'fill up my life' -- its gotta be within my means. For almost 10 years I've been in debt... and though I don't think much about spending (utter foolishness) which fail to greatly relief the debt level, the weight was constantly upon my heart. I was never "free". It's gonna change next year. I will be debt free finally, once I've paid mum off. And I will have savings finally. And I will no longer be living on borrowed money. But before that can happen, I gotta secure a job and stay in it. :) Will talk more about the job later.

Still, I hope to meet the man of my life. In fact, in my mind, while watching Garfield the movie on TV last night... I was 'writing' a "Dear YOU" letter. Want to blog it down immediately, but I wanted to watch the movie, and the 2 glasses of red wine I gulped down sort of got me real dosy. heh. Anyway, my thoughts and feelings come and go so abundantly, I'll never be able to really capture them all. I can't be blogging all the time, otherwise nothing gets done! *_*

I guess whatever I'm typing down have no structure. I'm just transferring whatever comes to mind and heart to my fingertips down to the keyboard and publishing it later without editing. Well, maybe I'll edit it another day when I feel like it. hahaha..

Next year in 2006, I do not want to be depressed. I will take steps to end this depression and dark clouds that surrounds me this year end. I will embrace life differently. I will refuse violently to allow things to trip me up, and get me down. I need to have pure determination and tenacity. I want to look back at the end of 2006 and celebrate it. Be it that during the year I screwed it all up, or made the greatest mistake of my life, or get my heart broken by an asshole... I want to embrace life with passion. I want to feel alive, and I want to get to know me.

This year, especially the last quarter of the year, I felt so lost. So lost so lost so lost. Yet, in the midst of the confusion, I'm beginning to rediscover myself. I'm beginning to come to terms with things, and I'm beginning to see new perspectives, and understand new pain, and found mercy and compassion. My eyes are opening up. I'm .....(er-hem) maturing finally. hahahahahhahahaa.... this really tickle me. I'm no longer a girl, not yet a woman (state of mind). Hahahahahhaa... so I guess, I'm really reaching adult hood, eh? hahahaha... this is so funny, tsk tsk tsk...

Resolutions? Yes, I will make them. In fact, I've already drafted some points down. Will blog it separately.

I will love me. I will no longer be the first to condemn me. I will no longer be the first to belittle me. I will no longer be so hard on myself. Until another man comes along and show me some love, I'm gonna be the one who love me most. haahhahahahaaha... And before I know how to love me, I need to know me. Do I? Yeah, for me, yes. I think I need to know me, in order to know how to love me.

Love your neighbor as you love yourself.... How can you love others, when you fail to love even yourself?

And I guess I need to think about what does it mean "to love me". For a start, I need to see that I'm wonderful the way I am, and it does not depend on whether I'm attractive to man or not. :D (and that is actually a tough challenge that needs conscious efforts in detecting thoughts that says it otherwise, and killing them upon immediate detection.) And I know a few of you who're reading this know exactly what I am talking about. You're equally guilty of that. hur-hur.

I need to find my anchor in life. Then I will not be swayed to and fro by what life brings in or not bring it. Can I survive 2006 without finding the love of my life? I MUST.

How about God's promise? Yes, I will still hope in God. He never fails.... He is faithful even whilst I am faithless. And I pray that God will make all things beautiful in His time. And I pray that God's Hand will still be upon me and be with me in 2006, that I will find my way back into His embrace and His plan and His destiny for me. That I, who is somewhat lost, will be able to say that I am found. May God bless my life in 2006. May my love for God be revived. May my hardened and cold heart, be once again filled with hope, faith, zest and tenderness for the God who came into my life 20 years ago. Amen.

As of this moment, all my dreams and hope in God.... I've laid them down. No, I'm not pursuing it anymore. So, I'm going in a new direction, in search of life. But I know, God will still be there. I know so. His love never fails. I'll never be able to numb Him out of my life. Because I have encountered God.

Right..
I donno what I'm thinking anymore.. hahahahhaa..
OK. Will end this blog entry.

And yes, thanks for reading my blog. It means a lot to me, that people actually bothered to take the time to read them, and especially making the effort to even put in a comment. You might not think much of it, but it made me feel a sense of worth. So thanks, for wanting to know how I'm doing, what I'm thinking and for sharing my life. HUGz for ya all!