30/08 . Am I still worthy of his love?

Couldn't sleep.. kept thinking of self-destructive thoughts and crying.

Woke up to read blogs... and realised Hani's blog is gone.. so is her friendster account. What have I done? Sigh... It was a happening place where friendships are forged. Overnight 2 person deleted their accounts.. how much more blood is on my hands?

Saw these beautiful wise words off a blog :

(1) Always have positive thoughts about yourself, cos negative thoughts will only ruin the person in you.

(2) Never ponder on your losses, for you will never get them back no matter how hard you try.

(3) But only ponder on the mistakes you've done, for these mistakes are the ones that can make a better person and human being out of you.

(4) Love is precious and sacred, never chase after it, but allow it to come to you naturally, as true love is the best compared to lust.

Sighhhh.....

So, how does it apply to me? Let's go through it point by point :

Always have positive thoughts about yourself, cos negative thoughts will only ruin the person in you.

How true.. and I am currently doing the opposite!!!! Having negative thoughts of myself has always been a problem I had... and have to consciously battle with. There are times I overcome, times I had to fight very hard just NOT TO have negative thoughts of myself... but not too much of the times am I thinking positive thoughts. Somehow.. I have never been too comfortable with the positive ones... sigh... perils of an imperfect Perfectionist. I will never be happy with myself. And always the first to stab myself before others do. "First do unto self what you think others would do to you". hahahahaha... No lah, I'm not so psycho and sadist. I still love me... at least that is something I am learning to do.. sigh.. and I just remembered what I frequently tells myself : That I will love me, even if others have stop loving me, even if no one loves me. I will be kind to me.. I will be gracious to me.. I just wanna cry. (and I'm locking the door. Mum has the habit recently of just budging or coming into my room just to see what I am doing or if I am awake.. without knocking the door. I'm getting kind of annoyed. Don't want her to catch me crying. sigh..)

Never ponder on your losses, for you will never get them back no matter how hard you try.

Sigh.. I guess this refers to forgiveness too ("Forgiveness means Grieving"). I read recently that forgiveness is not just a feeling. Forgiveness can lead to an improvement in feelings, but how do you know if you've forgiven? There are 5 parts, according to the writer. I extracted some "reminders" from the page.....

Part 1 : Forgiveness begins with a legitimate injury.
I have to be honest with myself and acknowledge that what that they (*people whom I need to forgive) did, whether they meant to or not, hurt me.

Part 2 : There is no such thing as getting even.
If someone has hurt you, it means that you allowed them to get close enough for them to hurt you. It means you trusted them. You can never be hurt without being vulnerable. Causing someone pain does not take pain away, it merely ats as a distraction. Every act of revenge BURIES your pain, and the deeper it's buried, the more revenge will be required to keep the pain from being felt. The cycle never ends, becoming a bottomless journey that has no resolution or comfort. Even if you do something hurtful to them, it will never hurt the same way they hurt you. You can hurt them but it will never make up for waht they did to you. Revenge literally does not exist.

Part 3 : Forgiveness means laying down our weapons.

Part 4 : Forgiveness is not the same as trust.
Trust can only occur with someone that is safe. Therefore I can consistently forgive someone, but until they are safe and cease acting or speaking in a hurtful way, I cannot trust them. When I forgive someone, I need to remind myself that it will take some time to trust them again, and if they don't change their actions and aren't willing to do things differently, they have not allowed me to trust them.

Part 5 : Forgiveness means grieving.
It means letting your hurts die. If someone has hurt you, you will never get the moment back. You will never get the relationship with them you always wanted. No matter what someone did to you, you must realise that holding onto it will only produce a hole in your soul.
The definition of GRIEVING is simply to admit to ourselves that we can never get back what someone took from us. Perhaps they took our ability to easily trust. Perhaps an ex-husband made 10yrs of your life a living hell. Let it die for hwat you have lost. There is nothing you can do to bring it back; its over and done with. The memory will still be there, but there is still so much of life to be lived. Forgiveness is for you (the "victim"), so that you might be free to love again, and not be bitter and alone.

And yes I do grieve now for many things..
I do still, time and time again feel bad and wonder if I should have never get onto friendster and got into Paul, Hani & Phil's friendship circle. My entrance has created so much storms that today I felt that I stink through and through. If I hadn't known them, they'd still be on friendster, they'd still all be good friends.. having fun.. coping with life. Yet, its there that I found romance... I experiece true love.. I met a guy... found a soulmate, and my life can never be the same again.
I guess now.. I need to brace myself to grieve for more. I await the news in a few days, I guess. The verdict. Can I handle it? I guess i will be able to.. after lots of crying, hahaha... as always. I'd probably take a while to heal and and be slower to move on, but I think I will survive. I only pray, my heart will not become more hardened. I only pray I will find faith again and never give up hoping.

But only ponder on the mistakes you've done, for these mistakes are the ones that can make a better person and human being out of you.

I'm already doing lots of it, and will be doing even more of that this few days. Sigh... Yes, may it make a better and wiser human being out of me. I don't think I can look at myself and think that I'm beautiful for a long long while.. ARGH. But yes, I must try not to belittle myself. OH GOD LIFE IS HARD!!!!!!!! And I think I have beaten myself enough.. can someone come beat the shit out of me now? hahahaha..
I guess, I need to hear him say "I forgive you baby". Sigh.. though he said he's not mad at me.


Love is precious and sacred, never chase after it, but allow it to come to you naturally, as true love is the best compared to lust.

Yes I do want true love. But what does this mean? If my true love decides to leave me... ok then it doesn't seem like true love anymore right? But WHAT IF I feel its my true love, and he's leaving me... I should not chase after it?

But interestingly...
This love did came to me naturally... I wasn't chasing it. I was chasing someone else's tail during then and got rejected!!!!!! LOL!!!! But he came to me... chase after me.. draw close to me in an amazing way, and won my heart over. I threw him hard questions and cynical questions.. yet he came through each time - he has the talent I guess. And I do feel, he can have any woman he want, why did he chose me? Why did he love me? (and why would he stop loving me?? that's the question i hope will never need answering.

He has always say I am worth it. Does he still think the same now? (I remember Hook used to say that too... in the end.. sigh.. but I know I should not underestimate him and should not compare him to Hook. DUH. Its an angel and beast comparison, bwahahaha~). I guess I'll know in future. But a self-reminder here.. no matter how other's revalue me or reject me.. it does not reduce or change my self-value & self-worth unless I allow them to. Boy this is gonna be a struggle.

Anyway, I don't care!!!!!! I'm chasing after this guy if he runs away. Oh.. but wait! That's so not my style! Wouldn't that be like begging? Hmmmm... nope. That will be worth chasing, probably at least once. I guess once is ok right? I will never make a nuisance of myself, and make myself scarce where unwanted.

Maybe I'll get used to the feeling of not having him soon? Numb it out? I don't know. Better not think anymore, the thoughts are not gonna get any better.

But yes, I do feel much lighter in my chest now. Glad I could blog it out.
Sigh.. I was gonna sleep at 11pm, and it's now 1.30am. Headaches again for tomorrow.

and now... SELF HUG.. hug pauliBear...
and goodie night.
May tomorrow bring better news and good cheer.
May I hear from him tomorrow.

Sob... no "i miss you" today for me. I miss him so much. so much so much so much.

29/08 . ^-^ Feeling more cheered up

Exchanged a few sms with him today after work... and felt cheered up. He still loves me (... just as a friend??..) and wanna keep me in his life (.. as a friend??...). And I like how he will punish me later (kekeke..) - he might be joking, but I would love to fulfill it, sounds like great fun. (Hahaha OK .... hey something's wrong here -- if it is fun, then is it still a punishment?)

Sigh, though I'm laughing, but why aren't I feeling happy?...... ;-(

Was actually surprised that he would reply. VERY SURPRISED. I was crying silently in the office earlier because I was feeling the withdrawals... and I guess, I miss his pampering or miss the assuring calmness in my soul that I have a special someone who cares for me and loves me (whom I love back). I wonder if he miss me? because I know this few days I'd probably not see this 3 words from him anymore.. sobsob..sob.. I'm so scared that I won't be hearing all these sweet words for a long long while. Because... I believe he will probably keep me at arms length till things are sorted out. Well, imagine what kind of hell it is.. we're already separated by lands and oceans.. now another arm's length? hehehe.. why is my love life so tumultuous?

I've never tasted true love till recently, so it is a good feeling that I wanna hold on to badly. And he is so perfect to me in so many areas, I just couldn't help loving him more and more. He is extremely caring, and tries his best to keep his words. He is sweet and romantic, and someone I could talk to. And the kind of guy I can imagine marrying and having fun and companionship for the rest of our lives.

I felt so ashamed right now that I am so self-centered. All I could think of is myself and how I feel. I mean... it sounds like.. I don't wanna lose him because of how he made me feel. But as confusing as it sounds, I think that is still love.. I believe I must have made him felt a special way too, that's why he love me right? Of course, its more than how we make each other feel. I admire him and respect him too. And he can also be so sexy. hehehehehehe..... (so can I).

Actually, I was also tempted to move my blog url again.. sigh...
That will be so silly. It's funny how many times I've shifted it.. and unable to blog because I got involved with a friend who reads my blog (whom I never thought I would get involved with). But for the first time, I am comfortable with writing my thoughts and feelings down though knowing he might read it. Yet, I have the assurance he will not take things wrongly, nor do I need to filter anything. Anyway, he's not here often.... and after this has happned, he probably has too much on his mind and too much havoc in his life right now to read this blog anymore. And if he finally did come here and read.... I bet it would have been months later. So I guess things would have progressed down a different path and all these will not be so relevant anymore.

I'm glad, that in such a time where my brain is again short-circuiting and emotions are in gyrations... I'm glad that I can return to my blog and pour it all out. As I've always said.. it's therapeutic for me. My private room.

OK, time for bed. I'm emotionally exhausted and drained out. Tonight I'll try to managed without a good night sms from him. And the night after.. and after.. till life gets back to the ordinary I guess. OK, I'm being extremely pessimistic lah. I'm sure things are not that bad... maybe he will send me an sms? Maybe he will say he miss me? Maybe .... maybe.... maybe...

I guess it will be quite easy to cry myself to sleep. Wet my pillow, keep my face moisturised.

Good night, world. Tweetie out.

29/08 . A taste of my own medicine

My tears flow non-stop when reality hit me that he is no longer on my friendster list.. because he deleted his whole account.. and that he has deleted me from his Yahoo 360 (along with everyone else). Though I know his reasons for doing so, and though he had informed me of what he had done.. somehow I was not prepared for the impact of it all.

Now I know how it felt like, when I removed him from my friendster list along with Hani and Phil. It hurts no matter how, when someone who meant deeply to you did that. Suddenly that space that you're connected with him from became desolate ground. Though there may be other friends remaining on the account, somehow the vacant space where his picture or name once was is glaring.

It's amazing that ... NOW... I could identify with how he could be feeling during then, and why he kept asking me to add him back on FS, and that was before I discovered he likes me and that I meant a lot more to him than I can ever imagine. A taste of my own medicine.. gosh it's a bitter and a hard pill to swallow indeed. What you sow you shall reap, and I dread the road ahead now. Sigh...........

Who would have imagine that after we've fallen in love with each other, this would happen? I have added him back just few days ago, but now he is totally gone... its my fault and I take responsibility for it. I have only wanna tickle her mind a bit for cheap thrill's sake, but never thought that the match I lighted would cause such an explosion -- all because I never stop to think twice thrice fourice fiverice. If I did stop to think, I would have decided against it because I could already smell the air permeated and saturated with gas. Sigh..

Last night, on the radio playing was Richard Marx's "Right Here Waiting". For the first time, this song became very relevant to me, and I found myself sobbing as I listen to it, wondering at the same time if I'm going insane, ha..hh..haa... *nervous laughter. To me, its such an LDR song, never see it from that perspective before (although in this context, the lady had probably walked away from this guy....). And with all this that is happening, it's almost my song right now. With all these experiences in love and life.. I'm beginning to be able to relate to so many more of those songs on the radio now..... :

RIGHT HERE WAITING

Oceans apart day after day
And I slowly go insane
I hear your voice on the line
But it doesn't stop the pain

If I see you next to never
How can we say forever

Wherever you go
Whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes
Or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you

I took for granted, all the times
That I thought would last somehow
I hear the laughter, I taste the tears
But I can't get near you now

Oh, can't you see it baby
You've got me goin' CrAzY

Wherever you go
Whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes
Or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you

I wonder how we can survive
This romance
But in the end if I'm with you
I'll take the chance

Oh, can't you see it baby
You've got me goin' cRaZy

Wherever you go
Whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes
Or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you

Sigh... yes baby, I'll be right here waiting for you.
-- kitty

28/08 . Dooms Day For My First Love?

My heart is in turmoil, as I sit in wait for my judgement. For the first time in my life, I felt like I've been a villian... a moment of mischief erupted a volcano.. or in his words.. setting off a hornet's nest and caused the severance of a long term friendship and love between 2 person.. and the ripple effect, the repurcussions... the end of the growing romance between me and him.

I dread to know the answer he would give me after his break to sort out his thoughts. I felt guilty as charged.. like a child who have had the whole house burnt down because I've played with a match.

The only true love.. the first that I've found ... I've destroyed it with my own hands. My heart is ripping into pieces, though not yet broken, but I guess it is minor compared to the damage I've done to others due to my folly. I feel like such a monster, I despise myself. sigh.

Yet I remember my words to others... Don't be too hard on yourself.. the rest of the world are already hard on you. Be the kindest to yourself, be the most loving towards yourself, be the most gracious to yourself. This does not apply to those who are evil by choice of course, or watever. So, sigh.... I guess I'll need to forgive me now for what I've done, and try to move on.. and accept the punishment of being dumped/ditched... put aside for consideration.. back to just friends, and also to do whatever is required of me to atone for it? Can someone tell me what I should do? I doubt I can redeem the situation, but I guess if there's something I can do to help make things good again, I will - within reasonable means, of course.

In fact, I wondered about sending her an email to apologise and maybe explain things, but that would mean telling more lies.. and I will probably make things worse, judging by my talent to get into trouble or create problems for others. Sigh... Where is the Viv who is a blessing to others? I've became a burdon and a problem instead.

Where's my shell? Where's my well? I need my hiding hole but it can't seem to be found now.

My fear of losing him is so great I am truly frightened. The thought that he will stop showing or expressing love brought despair. Yet... I know... He cannot be made responsible for my happiness. I am responsible for my personal happiness. I don't want anyone to love me because they are afraid that I'd be unhappy if they dont.. then it'll become a trap and a living hell for him.. hahahaha.. NO NO NO.. I want my man to enjoy loving me, to find pleasure in loving me ... vice versa. It should never be just a responsibility. But yes, if we're married, in hard times, we gotta just hang on and work it through the hard times, the down times, the rocky times, the famine, the winter, the storms. I'm idealistic, I know.

Another thing I realised is... I might have made him feel the fear of disappointing me.
I know he will never want to disappoint me in anyway, but in life, there will always be disappointments. Some men has the talent of disappointing their women, but haha its not always their fault, if the women's "hopes" or expectations are unreasonable or unrealistic. I only hope he will not give up on me just because he fear to let me down.

Let's see what tomorrow brings. I will be brave to face tomorrow, no matter what life throws me.

This reminds me of a phrase :
Do not fear about tomorrow, for Jesus is already there.
Perhaps, its time to go back to church. I will, when I've given up all hope I guess. And I did say, if this romance fail, I'd surrender all hope of finding love again and see what God has planned. I don't know if things God had planned for me will still work.. haha.. I've been such a delinquent and rougue I probably deserve to stay a virgin and single for life. Sigh..
Jesus is the hope of the future.

Right now, all I want is my Cupcake.

Gosh I need a good hug and a good cry.

27/08 . Poem: The Most Precious Thing

For Cupcake ...
I wish these very words were penned by me... but... I'm not that creative..
However, it does represent the message of my heart today.
I love you.
~ Tigger ~


The Most Precious Thing
by Taylor Hiigli


You are the most precious thing,
in my life today.
You mean more to me than anyone else,
and I hope you’re here to stay.

What I feel for you lies deep,
deep within my heart.
The amount of love you see,
is merely just a part.

Not even these poems,
that you inspire me to write,
can describe how I adore you,
or how I dream of you day and night.

You fill my head with things,
I’ve never thought before.
You’ve let me feel true love,
and you let my heart soar.

You are all I’ve ever wanted,
and all I’ll ever need.
Because you my sweet angel,
are the most precious thing.

27/08 . Advice on LDRs

Came across this advice... from www.Lovingyou.com ...

I guess I could really use some good advice to keep me sane!!!!

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http://www.lovingyou.com/content/advice/ldr/

long distance relationships

"And ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation." --Kahlil Gibran

Long distance relationships require a special willingness and understanding that can test love like no other type of relationship can. It requires constant communication and a desire to continually create your relationship, using the only real tool you have... your words.

Handling The Absence
One of the most difficult parts of a long distance or online relationship is handling the fact that you are not physically there with your partner. This lack of physical presence can make the whole relationship seem like an illusion. I am sure that almost every person in an LDR has wondered at some point about whether the relationship was actually real or just wishful thinking. With this in mind, it is very important to create a presence for yourself in your partner's life to provide a stable reality that you are a couple and that you are a part of one another.

Listed below are some ideas and resources to help you achieve this.

Communication
~ Don't fall out of touch, even for a short time
~ Return all e-mails at the earliest opportunity
~ If you are going out of town or are otherwise going to be unable to respond, let your partner know as soon as possible so they don't think something is wrong or start to have doubts.
~ Keep all online dates.

Talk regularly through voice chat or via the telephone
~ Your voice adds that touch of reality to the relationship and makes you more than just text on a screen


Video Chat if possible or at least send pictures regularly
~ Can you imagine how differently you would feel if you could actually see your partner when you talk to them? You can bet that they would feel the same. Rather than having to imagine how you looked when you laughed or smiled, they could actually see it.
~ It nullify's any of those doubts you have about whether they will like the way you look.

Get to know as much as you can about each other
~ Tell your partner about your day to day life, your friends, your relatives, your job etc. Make them feel like they are an integral part of your life. At the same time, find out as much as you can about them too

Be there when needed
~ One of the worst mistakes you can make in any relationship is to not be there for your partner when they need you. This is especially true of a long distance relationship as there are already inherent doubts and this will just reinforce those doubts.
~ Seek your partner's advice, listen to what they say and make them feel special and important to you.

Love
Love is the backbone of any relationship. As long as the other partner feels that you completely and unconditionally love them, those doubts will not have a chance to creep in. It is up to you to make sure they know exactly how you feel about them. Some

Presence
Make sure you have a presence in your partner's life. Continually reinforce the fact that you are there, that this relationship is real and there is no way that you are going to let a little thing like distance get in your way. If you do the things listed above, you will create a good presence in your relationship. Good luck!

25/07 . TIGGER

A month ago, the sweetest guy on earth (to me) did a write-up on me in his blog. It was so candid and well written I was stunned and surprised at how he had described me... sigh.. of course it instantly melted my heart.

The funny thing is.. at that point, he is just a friend and a soulmate to me. Period. I never thought further than that, never dared to.. but I do think the world of him. And at that time, my eyes were on someone else, sigh, how blind was I????? Today, fortunately or unfortunately, hahahaha.. OMG.. I admit to having really strong feelings for this sweet fella, sigh... It's amazing how interesting my life has been. At this moment, I can only say that he has conquered my heart.. (kind of too soon, I know, hahahahahaa.. but yes he did!), but will I conquer his? He definitely likes me but I don't have the answers now on how the future will be like, but right now, I treasure and cherish this special friendship, the openness, the closeness and the intimacy we share in our souls. (I'll be seeing him in London soon! Can't wait!!!!!!!!)

And why is it titled "Tigger"???? That's because Tigger is the pet name he gave me when he saw my pic in the Tiger costume, hehehehehe... Here it goes!


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Tigger
By Sweetness Cupcake (aka Brit-Boy)
18 June 2006

(Will try to upload other accompanying pics later due to current technical faults)

What can I say, if a picture can speak a thousand words this one of my new friend would speak volumes hahaha. It sums up viv in one nice lil picture, beautiful, fun loving, friendly, zany and oh so much fun to be around hahaha. I have not seen a picture of viv yet where she is not smiling or trying not to smile while taking horror pics (see below), its like she has a permanent smile etched across her elfin like features hahaha.

I was never a big believer of the old saying where when you lose something, it will soon be replaced by something more precious than what you lost.. now I understand it. Only a handful of times in my life have I come across people who have made sudden impacts in my life or immediate impressions on me, viv is among the select few. There was a period of time I was still mourning the loss of a close friendship to another, swearing to myself I would never trust another as much as I trust hani and as much as I once trusted huabs. Buuuuuuuuut somehow, some way viv slipped past my defenses in a matter of weeks hahaha. It's unusual because it takes a while to forge a friendship, make the bonds that last and get to know each other.. it was different this time. Maybe its because we share similar issues with a person who was once close to us, maybe its because we met through hani.. so trust and faith was established beforehand.. yay hani.

Don't be fooled by the pout hahaha, this Tigger (yup i spelled it wrong.. on purpose silly haha) has claws and is not afraid to use them. Kinda like mystique from the x-men, viv has a thousand and one faces and facets to her personality. I swear even in a lifetime I am not sure I would be able to figure her out hahaha, every time I think I have she does something to shroud herself in mystery again.. oh I wish I was able to do that. Each is more interesting than the one before, drawing you deeper and making you want to know more.. so stop reading this and start getting to know her hahaha! You will see for yourself once you start getting to know her there is no turning back, just beware the claws hahaha.

Urgh I’m not sure this pic was a good idea, I’m not feeling so good now I added it.. ewwwww blood. Well as you can see viv is always thinking of others, yup we all do but how many of you have given blood, time or possessions to help another? (hani you’re excused from this as you do that kind of thing all the time, ew..ew... not the blood though thing right?). Sigh viv I applaud your noble nature and as you know it was this pic that made me first message you, you are truly the sum of all your personality test said you are...just..just promise you won’t do that when I am in Singapore ok. Its noble and all but it kinda puts me off eating and even for free donuts and coffee I would not do that, maybe if they added whipped cream I might hahaha?

So what I wanted to say was this, thank you for being the kind of friend I thought I had only found in hani, I had thought these kinds of friendships were just a myth after haubs.. but you both proved me wrong. You really have got it all wrong you know hahaha, you think its a one way thing when I lift your spirits and chase away the clouds. But you have done the same since we met, hani is muted because of her dodgy asian tech laptop and I was all set to go insane hahaha...but you kept me grounded and sane. So thank you from me and on hani's behalf, not so sure she would want a drooling wreck when she returns hahaha. Any more cute names though and I will have a permanent blush hahaha, you have a talent for names viv, well that and smiling...so chin up, smile, lets kick ass one problem (or guy depending on who annoys you and who is chasing hani hahaha) at a time hahahha!!

Ok I could not resist adding this last pic hahaha, its just it reminded me of the korean movie "the grudge", yet..well I’m not sure the dead one in the movie looked this good hahaha. Scary..yet...cute don't you think so?


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Awwwwwww.... so sweeeeeeeeet huh?

Sighhhhhhhhh.....
Its' too bad this article has been asked to be removed from his blog.
I'm mourning its deletion. I guess my heart wasn't big enough to be cool about it in the end.. did not expect to feel such pain to see it gone. Such is life.

But still, I am grateful that it was once there, and glad I've moved it here. Feel tempted to remove some parts of the write-up (eyesore eyesore!!!)but I guess I shall retain it in its entirety for authencity's sake.

^_^

24/07 . Poem : I Carry Your Heart With Me

For cupcake..

A poem I like very much. First heard it from the movies "In Her Shoes", and felt deeply moved by it :

I CARRY YOUR HEART WITH ME

BY EE CUMMINGS

I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart)
I am never without it (anywhere I go you go, my dear;
and whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling)
I fear no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet)
I want no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;
which grows higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

I carry your heart (I carry it in my heart)

05/07 . Hurt

At 4am in the morning I'm writing this.. I guess this is another milestone in my life, in the negative sense.

Just learnt how deceitful people can be with their words.... the guy whom I was head over heels with... he told someone I'm driving him crazy with my sms, and that I mean nothing to him, he honestly don't care, plus that I know he have no feelings for me. Yet in the daily sms's, he would talk intimate stuff, telling me I am special to him. WTF.

It is good, I think, though it hurt real bad, but hey it does help me to snap out of this crush. I'm so blind. Such a fool. I cringe at the other hurtful things he said behind my back. Although sometimes it is better not to know, and be happy deceived, but in this case, I am happy about. Yes, I will cry buckets, but I will heal eventually. Better to learn that now than later, when I've given too much of myself.

I don't regret accepting my feelings and expressing them. I think those are giant steps I've taken in my reserved way with feelings for guys in the past. I never express them but kept them inside me. In this case, I expressed them to him, because of perhaps misleading signals I received from him. Hey, what am I to think when he wrote that I am his special gal, and that knows in his heart he likes me. Yet he's telling someone else he has totally no feelings for me. I am amazed. Of course I won't trust him ever again, he is so out of my life. And to think I was so in love and attracted to him.

And for the woman, never underestimate insecurity and jealousy. I have never intended to be a threat nor a 3rd party. But I cannot believe the suspicions and malice of words. I was accused of lying, and till now I don't even know what was it that I lied about!! haahhaaha

Anyway, I know I've always been trusting in my nature, and Twinkle has cautioned me and was extra protective. Now she's right again. sigh......

And this time, I have no idea how to be comforted. It's really double blow.

I am still stunned and in a dazed. My tears are not flowing as they normally would. Stuck somewhere, perhaps still in denial, perhaps the devastation was too great. The rejection I received this time is worse. I cannot believe the guy's words and hypocrisy. Just can't believe it. And cannot believe that this happened to me.

Again, I know Twinkle is seeing it unfold before her eyes, another incident where I told her about the new wonderful people I've met, and to show her how disappointing they turn out to be. And again, it's been just a few short month.

I will forgive. This time, I find it very hard to do so. But I will forgive and not be bitter.

Tomorrow they will realised they've been deleted from friendster as my friends. They'll see that my freindster blog is also removed. They'll find my email thanking them the fun and goodbye. What will be their reaction? Probably a sigh of relief that I'm out of their lives, and that my entrance has been a joke and will be retold from time to time "remember that viv?", and probably feeble effort will be made by any of them to clarify matters or retain my friendship.

All except for cupcake's. At least he's the genuine person among them. If it is not because of him, I probably would have been totally devastated to the core. Actually, sorry, Cupcake, I am not cool enough to stay on the scene and act as though I didn't know anything transpired. I'm not a hypocrite who puts on acts. I am not deceitful. I will stay true to myself.

Yes I did lie to Hani. I lied to Hani that you're not my cup of tea. But I said that to assure her that you and I are just "pen pals" and nothing is going on. I told her I don't believe in long-distance relationships. The truth is, yes you are my cup of tea. But only in the sense that I like my guy to be of your type of pesonality : Warm, caring, communicative, genuine, funny - you get the idea. And I told Phil that I lied to Hani and the reason why. HAHAHAHA this is the joke, so he might have pass that info on, that's why she called me a liar?????? Don't know.

OK. Glad to close the chapter on the recent "love". This is really Time Out for romance.

I have also agreed to go for movie and coffee with Martin next week. Maybe I'll give him the blowjob he wants, hahahahahahahah~!! Ok don't panic, just kidding.

How did things get to such a stage?
Positively speaking, my life is so interesting.
Negatively speaking, I am loosing hope by the day.

And sorry folks, I have to change my blog address again because both the Woman and the Guy were reading TweetieTalk. Maybe she didn't but she has the address.

I will be strong and will tough through this.
I have friends and I have family. I will be OK.
I will be OK.

I only hope I will not be naive again. And that I will not be double minded.

Time to sleep, if I could. Work tomorrow. Life will be simpler now without them.

01/07 . Afraid

I'm afraid.

Afraid I've fallen in love again.

The more I know him, the more I like him and feel attracted to him.
Met him twice so far, and each time I felt so different when I'm around him. Something about him that made me feel special.. hmmmm.. chemistry? But Chemistry should be double-way. So maybe its just his pheramones, LOL!!
At first its just a puppy crush, then now, I think I really do have feelings, deep feelings. Sigh...... like what a friend said to me (while I was crying because of him), that I "had it bad for him"..... I denied it during then, but now I guess I have to admit it. ARGH!

However, the bad news is this -
he is a man who will not be able to reciprocrate this love. He is not available, and not here to stay. Neither can I go with him even if I am prepared to do so... because when he goes, he's going back to someone else. Hence, even if he were to like me in return, he will keep a distance. He will not start a relationship with me.

As for me, right now... I don't know what to think what to feel what to do.
I think about him all the time, I wish I know how to know him more, how to care for him etc.... and wish he would try to know me better, learn to figure me out. Sad to say, I am only a friend to him but maybe more special.... but not for a relationship.
So, what do I do with my heart? I think I've given it to him.
Do I take it back? how?
I don't know how to reverse my feelings... I tried, and it only got worse. In fact, I want more and more of him - yeah, so greedy.

I had hoped that meeting him will help snap me out of it, because sometimes people are such a turnoff in person, hehe. Or sometimes they are not who you've had in your mind so thing just neutralises..... But meeting him made it worse for me - because I like him even more and more... and want more of him, want his attention & affection, want him for myself, want to be his special someone.. *Blush*.... And its really tough trying to hide my emotions. If only he knew what he saw was the tip of the iceberg. Plenty of it where it came from, hehehe..
How do I treat him as just a friend? How do I withdraw without too much pain? How do I do it silently and naturally without causing an alarm, without being noticed, without "acting strange"? It's impossible at the moment.

I know he is well aware of my feelings for him, and he probably felt bad about it, maybe even awkward. I don't want him to feel guilty for something that is not his fault, nor feel he is responsible for my happiness or well-being. Sigh.. But I do really have such a soft spot for him. I can't fully explain. I just know I could go insane. OK, I know I am already somehow insane. haha..

I think I really need to call a time out on romance.

But can I really do a time out? He has my heart already. :-(

I know I know I know.... I did call for a timeout earlier... however, he came along and I sort of shelved the timeout. Now that I know it's gonna be a deadend, then I just have to cherish and enjoy the friendship that we share, and in the meanwhile deal with the disappointment, keep my feelings, withdraw and maybe hide, and ride this period through till the feelings dissolve. Will it? Can it? I like him for so many reasons, the way that he is... (at least what I've known him to be so far, even despite the fact that he's quite a smoker!), not just feelings or fantasies... - I really do wonder if I'll ever meet someone better. Another person who has raised the bar for men in my life is Cupcake, a buddy soulmate (He's taken! He belongs to someone else! hehehe...) who knows how to relate to me, how to reach out to me, get me to talk, catch the naunces, nurturing, encouraging, sweet, funny etc... Sigh, I really really wonder if I'll ever meet another like them.

But the goodnews is, I am getting clearer in knowing what kind of man I wanna spend my life with... what I want, and what I don't want, what attracts me, what repels me. However, I am feeling very lost at the moment about myself.... I don't quite like myself too well right now. I'm too weak, too fragile, too emotional, too crybaby, too pessimistic, too clingy.... too needy.. too insecure. And in the presence of guys like him, I felt bad that I am not knowledgeable, I'm goofy and daft, I'm slow to react at times, not so smart, not so wise, not so sophisticated.. just an ordinary gal. Argh, plus I don't cook, don't do housework, don't know how to take care of people... *howl...........*

Sigh,........ I just seem to melt at his words, swoon in his presence, mesmerised by his eyes, my skin tingles when he is near me or when we touch - OK not just the shallow or physical side of things.. there are many things about him that I like and admire : He has a quick wit and wicked sense of humour, fun, kind at heart, well informed, intellectually curious, gentlemenly in his own way, protective, sexy (hehe...*blush*), capable, ... etc.. (OK, I think he's good looking, I don't care what others say - it's pleasing to my eyes, yum~). Yeah, he has flaws and weaknesses I'm sure, but I think I can win in that department of imperfection. I think I admire him because in many areas he is quite my opposite, has the strengths in area where I'm lacking, so perhaps its true - opposites attract. OK, not sure if he's attracted to my "opposite" of him. haha!

That being said, it's just too bad for me. Such is life. You can't have everything you want. (sigh, but I want...............)

And the funny thing is, while the man I most wanted can't give me his attention, those guys whom I don't desire are trying to get me to go out with them. How ironical. But such is life. Such is Life, such is life, such is life.

I am happy and grateful to have met someone like him. No regrets.
In fact, I'm happy to have met 2 men recently, whom I think if combined makes the perfect partner for me. hahahaha.... and of course, available (in time & location & resources) and emotionally ready for relationship (and eventually marriage).

Argh, I miss him already. I find him irresistable. hahaaahaaa.. silly woman. Got to curb the hormones a bit.

HOKAY!! Good to get this heavy emotional stuff off my chest. That's all I can say for now.

TIME OUT.

TIME OUT!!!!!!