30/08 . Am I still worthy of his love?

Couldn't sleep.. kept thinking of self-destructive thoughts and crying.

Woke up to read blogs... and realised Hani's blog is gone.. so is her friendster account. What have I done? Sigh... It was a happening place where friendships are forged. Overnight 2 person deleted their accounts.. how much more blood is on my hands?

Saw these beautiful wise words off a blog :

(1) Always have positive thoughts about yourself, cos negative thoughts will only ruin the person in you.

(2) Never ponder on your losses, for you will never get them back no matter how hard you try.

(3) But only ponder on the mistakes you've done, for these mistakes are the ones that can make a better person and human being out of you.

(4) Love is precious and sacred, never chase after it, but allow it to come to you naturally, as true love is the best compared to lust.

Sighhhh.....

So, how does it apply to me? Let's go through it point by point :

Always have positive thoughts about yourself, cos negative thoughts will only ruin the person in you.

How true.. and I am currently doing the opposite!!!! Having negative thoughts of myself has always been a problem I had... and have to consciously battle with. There are times I overcome, times I had to fight very hard just NOT TO have negative thoughts of myself... but not too much of the times am I thinking positive thoughts. Somehow.. I have never been too comfortable with the positive ones... sigh... perils of an imperfect Perfectionist. I will never be happy with myself. And always the first to stab myself before others do. "First do unto self what you think others would do to you". hahahahaha... No lah, I'm not so psycho and sadist. I still love me... at least that is something I am learning to do.. sigh.. and I just remembered what I frequently tells myself : That I will love me, even if others have stop loving me, even if no one loves me. I will be kind to me.. I will be gracious to me.. I just wanna cry. (and I'm locking the door. Mum has the habit recently of just budging or coming into my room just to see what I am doing or if I am awake.. without knocking the door. I'm getting kind of annoyed. Don't want her to catch me crying. sigh..)

Never ponder on your losses, for you will never get them back no matter how hard you try.

Sigh.. I guess this refers to forgiveness too ("Forgiveness means Grieving"). I read recently that forgiveness is not just a feeling. Forgiveness can lead to an improvement in feelings, but how do you know if you've forgiven? There are 5 parts, according to the writer. I extracted some "reminders" from the page.....

Part 1 : Forgiveness begins with a legitimate injury.
I have to be honest with myself and acknowledge that what that they (*people whom I need to forgive) did, whether they meant to or not, hurt me.

Part 2 : There is no such thing as getting even.
If someone has hurt you, it means that you allowed them to get close enough for them to hurt you. It means you trusted them. You can never be hurt without being vulnerable. Causing someone pain does not take pain away, it merely ats as a distraction. Every act of revenge BURIES your pain, and the deeper it's buried, the more revenge will be required to keep the pain from being felt. The cycle never ends, becoming a bottomless journey that has no resolution or comfort. Even if you do something hurtful to them, it will never hurt the same way they hurt you. You can hurt them but it will never make up for waht they did to you. Revenge literally does not exist.

Part 3 : Forgiveness means laying down our weapons.

Part 4 : Forgiveness is not the same as trust.
Trust can only occur with someone that is safe. Therefore I can consistently forgive someone, but until they are safe and cease acting or speaking in a hurtful way, I cannot trust them. When I forgive someone, I need to remind myself that it will take some time to trust them again, and if they don't change their actions and aren't willing to do things differently, they have not allowed me to trust them.

Part 5 : Forgiveness means grieving.
It means letting your hurts die. If someone has hurt you, you will never get the moment back. You will never get the relationship with them you always wanted. No matter what someone did to you, you must realise that holding onto it will only produce a hole in your soul.
The definition of GRIEVING is simply to admit to ourselves that we can never get back what someone took from us. Perhaps they took our ability to easily trust. Perhaps an ex-husband made 10yrs of your life a living hell. Let it die for hwat you have lost. There is nothing you can do to bring it back; its over and done with. The memory will still be there, but there is still so much of life to be lived. Forgiveness is for you (the "victim"), so that you might be free to love again, and not be bitter and alone.

And yes I do grieve now for many things..
I do still, time and time again feel bad and wonder if I should have never get onto friendster and got into Paul, Hani & Phil's friendship circle. My entrance has created so much storms that today I felt that I stink through and through. If I hadn't known them, they'd still be on friendster, they'd still all be good friends.. having fun.. coping with life. Yet, its there that I found romance... I experiece true love.. I met a guy... found a soulmate, and my life can never be the same again.
I guess now.. I need to brace myself to grieve for more. I await the news in a few days, I guess. The verdict. Can I handle it? I guess i will be able to.. after lots of crying, hahaha... as always. I'd probably take a while to heal and and be slower to move on, but I think I will survive. I only pray, my heart will not become more hardened. I only pray I will find faith again and never give up hoping.

But only ponder on the mistakes you've done, for these mistakes are the ones that can make a better person and human being out of you.

I'm already doing lots of it, and will be doing even more of that this few days. Sigh... Yes, may it make a better and wiser human being out of me. I don't think I can look at myself and think that I'm beautiful for a long long while.. ARGH. But yes, I must try not to belittle myself. OH GOD LIFE IS HARD!!!!!!!! And I think I have beaten myself enough.. can someone come beat the shit out of me now? hahahaha..
I guess, I need to hear him say "I forgive you baby". Sigh.. though he said he's not mad at me.


Love is precious and sacred, never chase after it, but allow it to come to you naturally, as true love is the best compared to lust.

Yes I do want true love. But what does this mean? If my true love decides to leave me... ok then it doesn't seem like true love anymore right? But WHAT IF I feel its my true love, and he's leaving me... I should not chase after it?

But interestingly...
This love did came to me naturally... I wasn't chasing it. I was chasing someone else's tail during then and got rejected!!!!!! LOL!!!! But he came to me... chase after me.. draw close to me in an amazing way, and won my heart over. I threw him hard questions and cynical questions.. yet he came through each time - he has the talent I guess. And I do feel, he can have any woman he want, why did he chose me? Why did he love me? (and why would he stop loving me?? that's the question i hope will never need answering.

He has always say I am worth it. Does he still think the same now? (I remember Hook used to say that too... in the end.. sigh.. but I know I should not underestimate him and should not compare him to Hook. DUH. Its an angel and beast comparison, bwahahaha~). I guess I'll know in future. But a self-reminder here.. no matter how other's revalue me or reject me.. it does not reduce or change my self-value & self-worth unless I allow them to. Boy this is gonna be a struggle.

Anyway, I don't care!!!!!! I'm chasing after this guy if he runs away. Oh.. but wait! That's so not my style! Wouldn't that be like begging? Hmmmm... nope. That will be worth chasing, probably at least once. I guess once is ok right? I will never make a nuisance of myself, and make myself scarce where unwanted.

Maybe I'll get used to the feeling of not having him soon? Numb it out? I don't know. Better not think anymore, the thoughts are not gonna get any better.

But yes, I do feel much lighter in my chest now. Glad I could blog it out.
Sigh.. I was gonna sleep at 11pm, and it's now 1.30am. Headaches again for tomorrow.

and now... SELF HUG.. hug pauliBear...
and goodie night.
May tomorrow bring better news and good cheer.
May I hear from him tomorrow.

Sob... no "i miss you" today for me. I miss him so much. so much so much so much.