28/08 . Dooms Day For My First Love?

My heart is in turmoil, as I sit in wait for my judgement. For the first time in my life, I felt like I've been a villian... a moment of mischief erupted a volcano.. or in his words.. setting off a hornet's nest and caused the severance of a long term friendship and love between 2 person.. and the ripple effect, the repurcussions... the end of the growing romance between me and him.

I dread to know the answer he would give me after his break to sort out his thoughts. I felt guilty as charged.. like a child who have had the whole house burnt down because I've played with a match.

The only true love.. the first that I've found ... I've destroyed it with my own hands. My heart is ripping into pieces, though not yet broken, but I guess it is minor compared to the damage I've done to others due to my folly. I feel like such a monster, I despise myself. sigh.

Yet I remember my words to others... Don't be too hard on yourself.. the rest of the world are already hard on you. Be the kindest to yourself, be the most loving towards yourself, be the most gracious to yourself. This does not apply to those who are evil by choice of course, or watever. So, sigh.... I guess I'll need to forgive me now for what I've done, and try to move on.. and accept the punishment of being dumped/ditched... put aside for consideration.. back to just friends, and also to do whatever is required of me to atone for it? Can someone tell me what I should do? I doubt I can redeem the situation, but I guess if there's something I can do to help make things good again, I will - within reasonable means, of course.

In fact, I wondered about sending her an email to apologise and maybe explain things, but that would mean telling more lies.. and I will probably make things worse, judging by my talent to get into trouble or create problems for others. Sigh... Where is the Viv who is a blessing to others? I've became a burdon and a problem instead.

Where's my shell? Where's my well? I need my hiding hole but it can't seem to be found now.

My fear of losing him is so great I am truly frightened. The thought that he will stop showing or expressing love brought despair. Yet... I know... He cannot be made responsible for my happiness. I am responsible for my personal happiness. I don't want anyone to love me because they are afraid that I'd be unhappy if they dont.. then it'll become a trap and a living hell for him.. hahahaha.. NO NO NO.. I want my man to enjoy loving me, to find pleasure in loving me ... vice versa. It should never be just a responsibility. But yes, if we're married, in hard times, we gotta just hang on and work it through the hard times, the down times, the rocky times, the famine, the winter, the storms. I'm idealistic, I know.

Another thing I realised is... I might have made him feel the fear of disappointing me.
I know he will never want to disappoint me in anyway, but in life, there will always be disappointments. Some men has the talent of disappointing their women, but haha its not always their fault, if the women's "hopes" or expectations are unreasonable or unrealistic. I only hope he will not give up on me just because he fear to let me down.

Let's see what tomorrow brings. I will be brave to face tomorrow, no matter what life throws me.

This reminds me of a phrase :
Do not fear about tomorrow, for Jesus is already there.
Perhaps, its time to go back to church. I will, when I've given up all hope I guess. And I did say, if this romance fail, I'd surrender all hope of finding love again and see what God has planned. I don't know if things God had planned for me will still work.. haha.. I've been such a delinquent and rougue I probably deserve to stay a virgin and single for life. Sigh..
Jesus is the hope of the future.

Right now, all I want is my Cupcake.

Gosh I need a good hug and a good cry.