20/01 . It's Over. Job Gone

Oh Fuck! The Scottish guy I went drinking with is my Interviewer for the day! He knows how fucking DUMB I am! We were even talking about the virgin-nonvirgin issue, and I've ever asked him if he is gay and he ask me if my mother taught me manners. O..O..O...This is really bad!!!!!!!!

Today's the BIG DAY. The day of my final interviews. I am interviewed by a Senior Consultant (Scotty) as well as a Director (Londonny)who recently transferred from London. And Yes, I am mightily intimidated that I have another competition who made it to the final rounds. Being here for 4 months does not mean I have an advantage over her. And it does not help that my boss mentioned she's a strong candidate. If I'm so good so good they have no doubts about getting me for the job, then they won't have to interview so many more candidates right?? Sigh~

And boy do I really SUCK at my interview with Scotty. It was quite awkward to talk to him face to face in a serious setting and I really struggled to speak well. I was nervous and have no confidence level and have no idea what to expect. I just know that the consultants are tough interviewers because they interviewed all the Harvard Princeton Cambridge Oxford top graduates and ding them, and I've seen the comments, of course I'm intimidated. I was stumped when he threw a case at me... "What would you do if a new first-year consultant comes to you one day and tells you that a Director has been making a sexual advancement and she is frightened, yet does not want to make a big thing out of it, and wants to avoid having contact with that Director? What would you say to her? What kind of backend arrangements would you do?" FUCK!! I don't know!!!!!! I mean, I guess if she tells me something like that, immediately my eyes will open so WIDE that my eyeballs fall out!!!! And I'd say, "HUH??? What???? Are you sure???? GEEZzz What did he do?? How??? He did what??!! How dare he!!! BASTARD!!! FUCK HIM!!! CASTRATE HIM!!! and awww... how do you feel? What are you gonna do? My GOD!! Poor thing!!!??? I don't know, maybe we should at least let HR know... wait... I am HR!!! Oh no, what to do huh?? Aiyoyo......"

So I guess I failed the "case". I paused to think for 5 minutes and had no answer. Geez, I have never ponder about such things nor anticipate such scenarios and really have no fucking idea how to handle it hypothetically. I can't think on the spot, I'm not a quick thinker. Sigh. Anyway, I have to say something right? So I said, maybe I can this this or that that blah blah blah and I stuttered and mumbled and totally crumbled, and tell him..."sorry, I really don't know...". SHIT! Sigh........ He's a tough interviewer. He also asked me "How would you view your role is towards the Consultants and how would you need to relate to them". GAH Another pebble I tripped over. And really, I felt so shaken up after the interview I felt like crying.. I think I am really not gonna get this job liao. I just hope the other candidate fucked up at his case too, hehehehehehehe.... that will be the only comfort. Sigh Sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh.... *pat-pat-pat* self comfort. It's OK lah, no more HR for me. NO MORE HR FOR ME! GRrrrr....rrrr...rrrr...

However, I did learn something good from Scotty. At the end of the interview he asked if I have any questions. So I asked him back, what would he see the HR person role as a consultant and how should she relate to them? His answer was -- Currently there is only a Human Capital Director/Manager here, and she will be the other HR person around most of the time. The Consultants will not have a clear idea of who really does what HR function - to them, HR is HR, although there are many different roles and functions. Hence, he would view the HR Ops person to be someone that needs to be approachable and handles each employee individually (not as a pool of people) - and who will be happy to answer questions and assist outside of her HR functional role, because not everything is her job. And to be effective means to have employees feeling comfortable enough to approach her to talk about sensitive issues or problems or just complaining about stuff, and that means she's gotta get to know each consultant individually at a personal level where she can interact and talk to them and relate to them, vice versa.

WAH. WAH. WAH. Oh fuck! As much as I would like to meet that expectation, I know that I definitely don't fit that description. I know that in the past, people feels comfortable coming to me and talking to me in my ex-company, but since I've joined this firm I have find it really hard to warm up to them, nor have them warm up to me. I find it difficult to relate to most of the people here, their intellectual level or sense of humour is just above my par. And I don't have anyone to joke with, they just don't get it. I'm just too lame or corny I guess... I don't really fit into this environment, though I hope to. Boy do I miss the people at BSC. Somehow, a few of the support staff here seems to make me feel like an outcast -- perhaps I need to be less sensitive and less playing "victim", but I couldn't help but observe and feel the vibes and naunces that they don't really like me. AND YES, I HAVE BEEN FIGHTING IT AND TRYING TO JUST SHAKE IT OFF EACH TIME. Why should I be intimidated by girls 10 years younger than me?

The 2nd and final Interview of the day with Londonny lasted less then 15 minutes. OH NO. Why so fast???? I guess I'm gone with this as well. I'm sure they will be so impressed with the other candidate. Sigh. He asked me, The China office will be opening soon, how would you - being in the HC Ops role - help to set up the necessary? WAH..... piang eh~ how how how??? I thought for a while and replied, saying that mostly likely I would first find out what's the existing guidelines and processes that needs to be followed, and current resources .... then for the rest of the necessary I could contact my ex-HR colleagues from China for ideas and advice and contacts blah blah blah... And he doesn't look impressed. In fact, he added on or correct me that I should also check with our mother company to see if they have any resources and processes, as well as the need to check out the employment labour laws in China.... aiya nevermind lah. Forget it , IT'S OVER He also asked me what I liked about working here, so I babbled a little on how positive the environment is, that people are helpful and the management walk the talk in trying to build this a workplace where everybody loves, and the great team dynamics we have... blah blah blah.. I fumbled in my speech too. I don't think I come across as eloquent, composed, confident, quick nor intelligent.

So at the end, he asked me if I have any questions for him... me not creative one, nor am I intellectually curious - but I know that they want candidates to ask questions inorder to test if they are intellectually curious. GAH. So I just ask him what are his expections for the person playing this role. His answer is also really good, like Scotty's answer(when I mean good, I mean it cause me to think and think and nod and nod... Is there a better english vocab I can use?).. - He said, we are currently growing very fast and by next year we would probably be doubled in our staff strength, hence this person must be someone who is not afraid to work hard to handle issues as it comes along, and yet has a good sense of humour(problably to stay sane).... blah blah blah... (can't remember as I don't think I was actively listening.. was wondering why session end so short..). Anyway, I still think the HR job sucks.

So, my conclusion for the day is... Next week, I would need to start contacting the agencies to get me new jobs or assignments, temp receptionist also can. Well, on a brighter side, that would be the beginning of another new adventure.... I guess. But that would also mean I'm still a very very financially poor girl, still owe mum S$6K, zero savings, no man in my life, with no career no job, no purpose in life, overweight, over aged, what a failure - is this mid-life crisis for me???.... Sigh. But on the other hand, I'm still healthy, have wonderful family and supportive friends, and can go find a non-HR job (probably won't be high-salaried anymore... and does companies still want to employ me at this age?), I still have my personality and wit, I can still date guys who don't mind that I'm not a graduate or that I don't have big boobs nice skin slim waist curvy legs tone body, I still have 3 outstanding dates yet to be arranged by IJL, I still have gym membership till April 2007, I still have my laptop at home, I still stay in my parents house for free and do not have my parents depending on me, I still have HOPE. Yes, HOPE.

One thing I must NOT loose is personal happiness. This year 2006, I have to violently guard myself from self-pity and depression. Though I know I would fall into it, but I will rise up quickly and come out of it. I will fight fight fight. I must ooze and overflow with positive energy. I must learn to encourage myself the way I encourage others. I must be strong though I know how frail and fragile my inner world can be. I must work on the down side of my life, any step - nomatter how small how weak - will still be a step forward. I must keep my head together. I must keep my chin up (double triple chins up! @#$^%*&#) I must love me and know me and take care of me... WOOF!! WOOF-WOOFFF!!!! Yet... how I yearn to have someone (a man, of course) to care for me and whom I can run to and hide in the safety of his arms and hear him say it's OK sweetie I'll take care of you don't worry and you will always be beautiful to me let's go do something fun.... Who sings me the Adam Sandler's song "I want to grow old with you" in THE WEDDING SINGER. Yet I'm also big fussy pot, not any guy also can. Sigh.. sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh... Those that maybe can don't want, those that cannot they want, wah how huh? I really don't want to settle for the ONLY man who ever wants to seriously date me. E.g. Rand. Anyway, I've not heard from him for the whole week bcoz he's in Brunei for business trip. Not sure if he's ever gonna contact me when he's back next week. And I don't know if I want him to. Yah lah, I want lah, at least there's someone to go out with. But no more hanky panky.

Over the weekend, my boss will be talking with the Global HC Ops Manager, and I'll probably know their decision by next Tuesday. Perhaps I already know their decision. yes, I'm too pessimistic I know, and people tell me not to worry but I am just too sceptical and critical of myself. It's over.. Until then, I just hope I won't brood too much over it, no amount of worrying nor brooding or going crazy or self-stabbing is gonna change the situation anymore. If I suck I suck lor. And I know I really suck, hahahaha... but I will still love me. *self hug* I am perfect in my imperfections. hehe... I am talented, and I'm sure there are areas I am definitely EXCELLENT in (e.g. late for work consistently). And I do wonder if I'll be good in bed. yummy....hmmmmmm....... kekekkekeekeke

OK Lah, hope tonight's speed dating will be a fantastic adventure. I was really anal yesterday when the organiser BK replied that they need to ensure that the participants are graduates. That's the first time I felt slighted for not being a graduate, almost like a slap in the face and a punch in the heart. I'm not good at studies, in fact, I didn't even cleared my A's. I hate the idea of being rejected by a guy because I didn't make it to University (if he don't like me for my looks, personality or behaviour, that is easier to accept), yet .... I want a guy that's been to University leh, hehehe..... higher educated than me mah... Anyway, BK is very nice, when I called him yesterday, at first he said let him think over it till 3pm (so I guess he need to see if there's enough turn up for ladies, if more than enough we no need go liao lah, if not enough then we can be helpful to match the numbers, right? this is just my anal thoughts..), then later in the afternoon he called to say Hey no problem, please come, but just don't declare to the guys that you are a non-graduate OK?? - GAH. To that, I also feel anal (and yes, NOW I'm still anal about it), because in that way, I am not graduate means I second class is it, so don't let them know I don't passed QC standard is it? But I am reasonable, it is an SDU program, in the first place I shouldn't even participate because I am not their target group, and it is not fair to the people who participated because they want to meet other graduates. Anyway, BK says don't worry, normally the guys do not mind if the ladies they meet are graduates or not, also the age range is late 20's to late 30's.. just nice for me. Oh well, will just go for the fun and the experience of speed dateing despite all these then. Anyway, BK was so funny, his email says,".. since we crossed, we shall meet. Dress pretty-pretty-hor! Melt the naughty boys..." hahaha... that made me smile already. Chey, so easy to cheer me up one. Hur-hur-hur..... this guy got magic.

Oh Well! Good to get this off my chest. Now back to work and hope for the best. Cheers!~

(feel so mighty distracted and discouraged.., really don't feel like working...)


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3.50pm

I've just heard from a colleague who had a session with my competitor. It seems the other candidate is really strong and I am no fight against her. She comes from a legal background, probably working in legal firms, and has a strong HR background. Worked in Australia and China previously - which is what my company is looking for - and she deals with 'infrastructure' HR, which means that she is well verse with the day to day operations and employee issues. My my my my my.... SIGH~. Whatever small amount of hope I still harboured just gone out the window. Time to update my resume to put an end date, and be braced for the bad news next week. May I not be too depressed for too long, hehehe.. would surely need a good cry to get it out of my system. Hey if they're not going to give me the job, maybe I'll just give them 1 week notice and go. Forget it liao lah. But then...... why not stay as long as they need me? It's good money for a temp job! Sigh... see lah, sad life. Take it easy, Viv. You'll be alright. MacDonalds will still consider you... Aiyo~ but if I tell guys I work in MacDonalds they'll probably despise me liao. sob sob sob... I need to be financially independent so that I will not be fully dependent on my husband. I've heard of too many sad cases.

Ok OK... thinking too far again. hehehehhehee... Don't worry, be happy.