23/01 . Oh~ I hate the suspense!

Gosh~ do I hate the suspense for bad news! It's already 10.30am and still I've not been advised of the outcome of the interviews. My best guess is.... boss is busily typing out the offer letter and necessary hire papers for the other candidate. Probably have to let her know the good news first and get her verbal confirmation, then polish her shoes before kicking my butt out the door. *sob sob sob*...

Can't help thinking along the negative line, sorry. As much as I am prepared for the worse, I still hope for the best. Yet during the weekend, I have breakouts of acne all over my face, and last night I have red angry patches all over - So believe me, I don't have a blank face. Hmmm..... this is not good. I can't afford to be fat and ugly = fugly. Definitely I'd need to start drinking more water, exercise, sleep earlier, reduce alcohol intake, and probably lay off cosmetics for a while. It could also be due to the invisible "stress" that had build up from the interviews and how it would impact me financially pending the outcome. Sigh~ really hope I get the job. OMMMMMmmmmm....... OOMMMMMmmmmmmm....... *_*

Found out on Saturday that Rand was actually back in Singapore since last Wednesday. (WHAT!!!!?????!!!??? WTF~!!! ) And I guess I felt a bruise in my ego that he never did contact me nor ask me out. Hahahaha... interesting, isn't it? Few days ago I was even making a super KNS statement : that I'm not sure if I want him to contact me next week when he's back in town.... Yet, the fucking truth is... he is ALREADY back and he isn't contacting me! *slaps forehead* And silly me, I thought he's away for the whole week in Brunei hence the silence!!! Geez!! I have been so full of myself. If he know this he's probably laughing his head off. Yah, he win - hands down. I'm the fool... hahahahahahaa... silly woman. So anyway, I deleted him straightaway from my MSN list, no hesitation. Fuck it. I don't need to know if he's online or offline anymore. Wahahahahaha.... I know that is drastic, but I do not want to get into the state whereby I sit mournfully at my laptop waiting for him to text me - yah~, the modern version of "sitting by the phone waiting for him to call". By the way, I don't think anyone sits by the phone anymore in the present age - we've moved on to mobile phones. And how did I found out he was back? I saw him online on Saturday night, almost close to midnight, and I was so itchy fingers and can't take the suspense anymore so I sent him a line asking how was Brunei.. he replied oh it's boring lah...blah blah blah...so busy these few days lah blah blah blah.. and so I asked Oh~ when was he back? Fucking hell, since Wednesday. hahahahaha... I'm glad I can still laugh. I don't think I'll be able to laugh if I'm serious about him. What a fool I am, when ET knows this she's gonna whack me on the head and say that is the last thing you should have done. But I know she'll understand. hur-hur...

WW ever told me, he broke off with his last girlfriend for several reasons, and one of the things he couldn't tolerate was - she would insist on seeing him the very day he returned from a business trip. He's tired from the travelling and he wanna go gym and do his own things. Seeing her is not the first thing on his mind... Yet she will make a big fuss out of it, and they will end up quarrelling. She will raise things like.. if he is so tired and can't meet her, then why still have energy to go gym, huh huh huh!!??? Hehehe...I can understand it from the women's point of view, and told myself I should never never ever ever do something like that to a guy nor have such expectations - I must give them space no matter how desparate I am to see them, in fact, try NOT to even get into the state that I'm desparate to see them, it should be the other way round. But I'm also realistic, I'm no babe, probably there will never be such a day that a guy is so desparate to meet me. Back to the issue : I must say that - Somehow, we women tend to gauge if the guy values us or misses us - i.e. how desirable we are to the guy, by how earnest he is to see us again. I guess that is asking for suicide. It is obvious to me that WW loves himself more than that woman, and the demonstration of insecurity is a big turn off for him. As much as I don't really feel so attracted to Rand, the vanity of being a woman (perhaps it is also just pure pride and insecurity and low self-esteem) demands that he should behave like he "can't wait to ask me out". Muahahahaha.... so far no guy has been "gan-jiong" (hard up) over me leh...sigh.. my magic no power. Must be due to my Big Mac - Hamburger waist. hur-hur-hur....

Anyway, I'm staying cool about it (yeah~ cooool gal, coooooool....), though I could feel my bruised ego going OUCH~ ouch-ouch. And I feel like cursing: "Wah lau!!! Super BANG man!!! Super kanna sai man! Dui ah!! Wah I velly no face ah!!!!!! Chee kek ah...~!!" BAHahahahaha..... Well that's just an honest confession I have to make. I couldn't help but feel slightly disappointed.. (Is that an understatement? hehehe...) Women (at least those I knew) likes to be pursued and wooed. So do I. It would be so hard for me to go after a guy - unless I perceive that there will be NO other who can match up to this guy and I must do all I can to capture him. BAH! And yet... a guy friend of mine ever told me that he has decided he won't pursue girls, ain't his style. Sigh. I was secretly wishing he'd pursue me! So sad. My brother also told me that I need to make the first move or many moves, go for it! because this is the NOW society, and guys are OK with being pursued by a woman. But woe to me, in my case, it will still be a giant step to take. I really don't know if I can handle the degree of rejection, or the anticipated rejection.... I'm just not so confident of myself. But I'm cock-sure that if I wink-wink and pursue any Blangla or ah teeko ah pek -- they will be more than happy to take me. hehehehehehe...

For the weekend, I stayed home for the whole of Saturday, and on Sunday I met up with 2 friends and had a good chat and catching up. Got a surprise phonecall also from a long lost contact - Alison - she was my hair dresser who relocated when she married her angmoh boyfriend, then relocated back to Singapore beginning last year, and will be relocating again. She has invited me to her place for chinese new year, and mentioned that I will also get to meet some of her "other friends". I suspect she's gonna hook me up with people, teeheehee~...let's see if it happens. Suddenly I wish I have been diligent in going to the gym and work off the fats that's been piling up. hahahaa.. at least I could have downsized from Quarter-Pounder to Hamburger. Still, it'll be something to look forward to. hehehehe...

It was great talking to SH, because she never fail to give me caution, new perspectives or good values or principles that I could live by. So I guess I really should not despise my virginity nor give it away too freely before marriage. I hope I have the willpower to do so. Anyway, that is also my true desire... first to find a soul mate, one whom I could talk to, enjoy moments, do things together ... etc..etc... with physical intimacy playing a balanced role, but not the major role. After the "trial session" with Rand to get a taste of holding hands and kissing and leaning on the shoulders and being held - like how couples behave... I guess I should be satisfied. Just need to make sure I don't get high and be so permissable again. Too bad for the other guys that will come along later, they ain't gonna get lucky with me so easily. Hee hee hee... wait and see. Who knows I'll be all over them - the slut! hahahahahaa...... In fact, a young guy (engaged & registered) from Malaysia whom I was chatting with has given me an indecent proposal... he said, hey let's be fuck-buddies.. I say, yeah~ TKK, fuck off. Hmm... actually he's not bad looking leh, hehehe... Anyway I know he's just mucking around, he's a funny guy and sings me songs over Yahoo Messenger, plays the guitar as well. He'll be coming to Singapore somewhere in Feb if his company sends him here for training. Will be fun to meet up.

Well then, time for lunch. Hope I'll get to hear some news later, be it good news or bad news. At least I'll know whether I need to start sending out my job applications and resume, or how much to spend for dinner tonight. Yah, I'm still pessimistic. But I know I'm up against a strong competitor plus I sucked sky high during the final interviews, so I don't bear much hope for the possibility of being offered the position. Anyway, thanks, for all your verbal and silent support. I know all of you who are reading this hope I get the job (you better!!!!!). So thanks, Love ya! Hugz.

So, if I don't get the job, buy me lunch or dinner oK? hehehehehehehe...


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2.50pm

AUGH. It's almost 3pm and still no news. I really hate it.

I have no mood to work at all. No motivation.

Had lunch with SH and went Spinelli for a coffee. Sitting not far off across from me was a guy in nice stripe shirt. Wow... slurp~ nice.... and our eyes met a few times. I was tempted to blush and was very much tempted to look his way more often just to check if he's looking. But most of the time, he might be looking to check if I'm looking, and I'm looking to check if he's looking. hahahahahahahaa.... How I wish he'll come over and ask me for my card or number or something. sigh~ He looks like a fun person to go out with. Hope to see him again. But I probably won't recognise him. Too many good looking guys around Raffles Place. hahahahah...

OK, back to work. Ohwww, wish they'll end my misery by telling me the news by 5pm. This is tormenting.