05/01 . Whatever!

Ahhh~ finally some time to catch up on blogging. Still haven't got the whole piece done on the Christmas week. So many precious memories to archive.... Must not procrastinate!!!!

Anyway, I've been busy for the past 2 days: at work, and meeting up with Rand. I've also have insomnia for the past 3 nights, with some heart palpitations and just couldn't get to sleep. I did not have coffee near bedtime, instead I had been having lots of alcohol. Could it be the alcohol? Anyway, while trying to sleep, the best I did was to drift off in some semi-consciousness state near dawn and having wierd dreams. One dream had me discovering another pair of hands are growing out of my body, like deformed and wrapped around my waist, fingers dangling off. Eeek. And I remembered in my dream that I sort of realised "Oh~ that' why I look fat, because of the extra arms wrapping around me like a spare tyre" and was showing my mum and an Aunt the hands. hahahahha.... And in last nite's dream I was in a music class of some sort, and was feeling hurt because I was playing the instrument a little too loud and got told off by the teacher, while my "friend" (donno who) beside me chided me bcoz she felt embarassed and ashamed of me. What kind of friend is that? GAH. Unpleasant dreams, hate them. Better blow them away. *fooooff~ foooff~~ * DONE. And........ I think exercise would help in sleeping better... Hmmmm...

Heh~ *blush* Speaking of exercise, its been 5 days past new year and I've not yet made it to the gym. OK let's see who can I blame.... YES!!! *snap finger* Was supposed to do gym last night right after work, but something unforseen happened at the office (IT server room overheating and London office called and Contractors came to solve but can't get in bcoz IT guy in KL and the only other person who has access can't be here till past 8pm) and so I had to stay in the office till 9pm on standby for action and assistance. In the meanwhile, Rand was relentless in asking me out for dinner, which I eventually gave in. (Will talk about it later). Uuuuhhhhhh...... MUST get to gym tonight, even if just for a nice steam bath and shower. heh heh heh..

Salsa dancing class did not happen. Called Jitterbugs, and they regret to inform me that the class is currently closed to ladies i.e. no more ladies allowed to join the class ~~ they do not have enough guys for the class, hence will only accept guys or couples. Right now, the class already has 8 ladies and 4 guys. Hmmm.... So, 2 ladies to a guy? WOW. Anyways, will have to discuss with Shirl when she's back in town if she'd like to sign up for the next class. Someone was suggesting Belly Dancing. Yah rite~ If I'm there, I'd be Belly Bouncing or Belly Jiggling. *giggle*

My precious precious dear dear brother, wonder how is he coping, having to handle 3 women and a baby on top of everything else. TOUGH SHIT! Wish there's something concrete I could do to help. *_* Meanwhile, it's just nice thoughts and lips service from big sis, heh. But I am hopeless with babies currently, still have not carried Baby David. Even when I'm at his place, all I did was create more work, e.g. dispersing beads all over the floor for everyone to pick up. hahahahhaa... I think, I can help by not getting into any trouble that'll cause him any worry. Otherwise, he'll have 4 women and a baby to handle on top of everything else. hur-hur... Will have to keep him in prayer. It's amazing how my love for others bring me to my knees before God. :o) I know Prayer WORKS. God cares and God is able. Amen! That's probably the least and also the most important thing I could do, I guess. I hope mum will be appeased soon. She was crying last night, totally upset and feeling hurt and sensitive about some domestic issues, and had been cooping it all up within her till dad innocently set it off and she ranted and raved at the top of her quivering voice. (and I was quietly sipping some red wine in the kitchen when she blew up). Poor dad, he sure treaded on landmine. heh-heh-heh......

Got a call from M this morning, caught off guard as it is from a 'withheld' call. So I have no idea who's calling, thinking it could either be a bank or from IJL calling to set me up for another hot date (yeah, it's about time isn't it?). ARGH. Anyway, I was my friendly self (but on full defence alert), and she asked how are you... how's things with you... are you free now to talk.., and I said, yeah..I'm fine, everything's OK.. not free to talk.. about to leave for work.. yah yah.. really I'm fine and doing well....happy..yeah. And she asked ..Can we meet to talk soon or have a drink.. don't worry...I just want to know how things are with you... and what's been happening in your life...... Whoa ~ I'm so not ready for this. I really appreciate the call, because I know she cares for me, but really, I'm not ready to talk anything. I hate to be cornered and I feel seriously threatened. Why, O why do I feel this way? I said, .. mmmm.... no lah... I don't think so.. yah.. I don't .. I don't think want to talk.. I'm fine and I'm OK. And she start to ask pressing questions again. This is really difficult for me. She asked why? why can't we just talk? don't you feel this is strange? we were like so close before and can talk anything but why now you just suddenly don't want to meet don't want to talk... blah blah blah...? And at that moment, I nearly feel like bursting again, just wanna hang up, feeling the pressure and obligation. So I just said, it's not you.. please M, it's really not that I'm holding anything against you, I just need more time away... and I gotta go~ sorry and byes. And I'm glad she also said OK, bye, and we hung up.

SIGH~ I feel so bad about it. And I ask myself, am I being a hypocrite? I just can't be too honest can't I? And I know she's not the issue, its just me - I wanna break free and I need my space. Yet I can't tell her straight- why? do I feel ashamed? Or what? Do I need to tell her, like a responsibility?? And on the other hand, I know I would be very very puzzled and hurt and tormented, and may even go off-tangent if a friend whom I thought is close to me, who was open in sharing and supportive and encouraging suddenly just shut me out of her life. Annie, an ex-colleague/friend did that to me before, and up till today, I have no idea what happened and why, and it was very very traumatic for me. I cried and cried over it and got myself very humiliated in public when I tried to ask her for the reasons of her sudden behaviour. She was cruel.... and I never want to see Annie again, though she tried contacting me a year later... because my heart just ache and I know I would need answers and can never pretend that I'm cool with just looking forward and not pursuing it any further. Now, I am doing this to M. For sure I feel lousy about it, shutting her out. Sigh~ Sigh~ Sigh~.......

I guess, I really don't mind meeting M to chat as friends, but I anticipate that she'll want to pry into my life, what have I been doing and my values and challenge me or question me or pursuade me - I really don't want to feel that I owe her a report. I told her I'm fine and I'm happy, and that should be good enough. I'm happy right now and getting comfortable, adjusting with my "new" life. I am looking forward to the new things and new people and new challenges of the year, and I choose to inform whom I wish. Heh, you guys who are reading this blog now are the "chosen ones"! I don't anticipate that I'll be comfortable telling M that I'm going clubbing, going pubbing, meeting new friends and dating men I knew from the internet or wherever, and how I want to live my life for now and what makes me feel happy, and what are my true opinions of things etc., because ... I feel that she might judge me. I don't have the assurance that she could share my happiness and victories, nor agree with how I've decided to prioritise and live out my life currently. That's not fair to her because I'm making assumptions and not giving her a chance, of course, but I do have some intuitions. So, I'd rather not.

OK, good to get this off my chest. Well, the 1st not-so-happy entry for 2006. Heh, but not too bad, my spirits are still high! And I refuse to let these things drag me down. I've made it a resolution NOT to let myself go depressed, and to fight it. YES. Happiness is a choice. (theory, theory, theory.....)

Will talk about Rand soon. -_- When it is over. (hahahahahhaa.... so bad.)