30/08 . Silence is not always golden

These few days I felt like a little lost ant who can't find its home... searching around frantically and aimlessly... and feeling so scared and insecure all by myself in a world so big.

I guess I've never realised how much he meant to me... the full extent of it, I mean. I know he meant a whole lot to me, but the boundaries have never been tested, hahaha.. OMG I shiver at the thought of how much I need him in my life, and how do I get on or live without him? This reminded me of the song by Lyanne Rhimes (haha how do you spell her name?).. "How do I live without you". I remember too, that one day he called me during his lunch hour and told me he missed me badly, and this song was running in his head.. I think he even sang it to me, just the sentence. Awwwwwwww.....

There was a time, when I stop listening to Class 95 (95.0FM) because its a love channel for all love songs, more for those in love/out of love -- and I have no one in my heart during then and it depress me to think there's not even a person I could "miss" or "love". I listened to Perfect 10 (98.7FM) instead and its a cool channel. And now, I'm listening to Class 95 almost every night and feeling all sentimental, at times it brought heartaches and tears, and mostly, I will think of him and miss him dearly, wishing he is here, wishing things could be easier and simpler, wishing we can be each other's entirely.

Yes, I gues I'm still very much a day dreamer and a drama queen in my own winning style, haha! I felt as though I'm watching a Korean drama, and dreading all the tumultuous turns, crisis that befalls the couple in love, and the eventual unhappy ending. URRGH. I hope not. I hope it all works out in the end, and we can sing Shania Twain's songs. Teeheeheee... you know, the one that goes "So glad we made it.. look how far we've come to baby... "

I wonder what is he thinking about now? this few days of peace and quiet will be precious, I guess. I absolutely know why he need the space to break away from it all, quiet down and sort out thoughts and emotions. I do that a lot. And we the Introverts need to do that. We need to internalise things, ask ourselves questions, search deeper within and give ourselves honest answers, address nagging doubts, demolish pain & negative emotions, then find strength & stability from within ourselves.... etc etc etc. Finally, when that is done, we can breathe again, shake off the dust, stand up and face the world and what life throws at us. Well, I don't speak for all Introverts, but I guess I am speaking for myself.

I think the ladies in the office knows something's wrong with me. They could tell by how quiet I became and the lack of my sunny smiles. Hahah the swollen eyes this morning will be a big giveaway!! UUUUURRRGGGGHHH.. but I'm glad they left me to myself and didnt' come to probe and press.

I just wonder, if I didn't text him today, will I hear from him at all? I guess it'll kill me not to send him message, but its time I leave him alone in peace. It does kill me slowly not to hear from him from that long. It kills me that he didn't say he miss me. I guess these are the intense emotions that one experience when they're in love. It's natural, just ride it through. I will not suppress or bury my emotions. Recognising it and understanding why I'm feeling what I'm feeling is the better way.

Sigh.. I had wanted to focus on my work objectives this week, it's wednesday and I'm still in a mess. I will have to really pull myself together, and get going.

Time for lunch and distraction from all this.

Hope things are better at his end. I just want him to be fine and happy again.