30/08 . Facing my darkest fears

Love hurts. It hurt so bad I feel I could die. Everytime when the pangs come I feel I can't go on for another minute. And each time I read his last email to me about his decision to halt the special frienship till the far future, till he can commit fully to me.... I just feel the ripping of my heart. And I don't know... if things will ever be the same after this break. When the brain fails to have oxygen supply for too long, brain damage sets in. Even if the person survies, permanent damage has occured.

Part of me feel resentment building with each passing minute, and part of me is managing and neutralising the resentment at the same time. It is too cruel, and too painful. I felt as though i've been brought back to the days and hours where Hook goes uncontactable after each time some difficulty arised... or when he is "ill". Is this expected of men? Do they know that their greatest weapon against the women they love is to ignore them?

Perhaps it is a complex that I am going through. The fear of abandonment seizes and render me powerless against it. Just like a person who is claustrophobic, once trapped in the lift or a small dark room can get them all hysterical. I just know that his silence.. (though has only been a day and is not used intentionally as a weapon) have successfully broken my spirit. Its not his fault, he have no idea it will have this effect on me. Sigh, and I hope he wont have to know what I went through, I don't want him to heap the guilt upon himself. Anyway, I know I will need to address this issue... otherwise, men will forever run away from me and abandon me. Because this is a tree of insecurity, and if never chop down or uprooted, I can't imagine the kind of bitter fruits it will produce. And I'm sure men will be able to see it and smell it from afar and run.

As in the case of Hook, till today I have no clear idea why things went the way it did. I know I wasn't insecure with him. I only know I got really frustrated and could not comprehend why he would say he miss me badly all the time, yet never call and is never uncontactable. Well, I guess Hook's case is not relevant to all these then. But I do know that those times where Hook is uncontactable, I am close to hysterics trying to shut out the screams in my head that says I've been unwanted and abandoned. When my spirit is broken that way.. like a wild horse whose spirit has been broken, I could no longer be my free spirited self. I fear every moment that I'd make a mistake and trigger the whole cycle of abandonment again. I guess, this time I am facing my darkest fears.

But perhaps my Cupcake will know how to perform the exorcism and expell these darkness from me. So far he has always been surprisingly amazing at it... but I guess I am feeling this way because I am fearing the worst, and fearing the unknown, fearing the outcome.

Yet, I'd rather have the truth than to be patronised. And I know he will not patronise me. He knows me enough, and love me enough to avoid doing that. And i do have faith in him in this aspect.

But why don't i have faith in him, that he will never abandon me? The things is.. yes, I do believe him when he said he will never stop loving me and will never let me go from his life. But I want more than that. I need to know if that only meant friendship... or as lovers.

And I wonder, am I creating a storm out of a molehill? I feel kind of ridiculous right now, but yet I believe I have identify a root issue of why this affected me so much. I identified the demon who tormented me... the fear of abandonment. So how do I demolish this demon? how do I stop it from arising again? I do not want my lover to ever be having the burden of reassuring me for life. Who can really make guarantees like that? People will say anything.. and yes of course, I believe people in love will make promises and mean it with all their heart at that point of time. But can they really guarantee? NO. In general, NO. So i will not have such expectations. Yes, I think I need to constantly remind myself that people are imperfect and people will fail now and then. And even if in future he can't live up to his words, I will not blame him.

Oh look, I've written another thesis. Bwahahaha..

Ok, time to take a break.
Today will be another day without "I miss you" from him.
And in a few days time... 3rd September.. it will be the 1 month anniversary of my first meeting with him in London, our first kiss.. first hug... the Most romantic time I've had. I wonder if we will be talking again then? Or will I be alone, miserable and crying my heart out? Sigh...

Have more faith in the man, viv. He deserves it.