Just ate a sleeping pill... Xanax.. label says, "Help to relax, anti-anxiety and anti-stress" -- just what I need. Supposed to take half, I pop the whole thing and down it with water. I think I need to be totally knocked out to stop all those thoughts and emotions.
Mum cooked dinner tonight, and I came home from work late... well... correction: Came home from office late. Have not done much work, honestly. Blogged a few entries to help straighten thoughts and emotions. Without it I don't know what kind of an emotional wreck would I be by now.
Took a very long shower.. the hot water was therapeutic. Scrub my body and took my time to let the water relax the tense muscles, especially my neck. It has been really really bad with sharp deep piercing pain. I just couldn't seem to relax it. Can't go for a massage too, because I'm having my menses, it would be inconvenient and not so nice to subject the nice lady to it either. Sigh......
After dinner, back to my room. All of a sudden, the loneliness gripped me again and I started crying and sobbing all over again. And for the hundredth time I wanna send him an sms, yet struggle against it. What would I want from him? A reply? Leave the man in peace!!!!!!! ARRRGHHHHH. Again plenty of self doubt and negative thoughts.
I felt like the Beast in the story "Beauty and the Beast"... where Beauty returned home to visit her father and forgotten all about the Beast waiting for her return (or was it that her dad feign sickness to keep her home??? Argh so many different versions!)... the beast almost died of despair and probably miss her like crazy till his heart ripped into pieces. Even the roses withered. I think I can identy with Beastie now. Next time I watch the cartoon or movie I think I will weep for the Beast even before he felt the pain. I could feel myself withering.. like a plant without sunlight (hey I'm not plastic!).. like a rose without water ... like a hamster in a cage without food and water for a week (wow, and still alive???)...
And thoughts of giving up on it all became louder and louder. But no, I'm the one at fault this time, I deserved to be in pain, I deserved to be punished in this most cruel way... moreover, in his email, he had ask me not to run away and hide... because it would only show that I don't want him to work towards our future when he is trying.
Moments later, I suddenly realise....
By continuing to do that.. I am indirectly blaming him for my unhappiness!!!!! OMG!!!! This thought snapped me out of it. But yet, what shall I do? what shall I think? I find it hard to go back to normal life... yet I believe, it is in my power to do so, and I must try.
So now, pop a pill, go to sleep, and hope I wake up in the morning instead of the evening. Bwahahahahahaahaha!!
I only have 1 more pill left, and that will be for tomorrow. Maybe I shall see the doc on Friday for more, have 1 a night till we talk again. OMG by the time we talk I'd be an addict!!!!! Hahahaha!
I guess, I'm a sitting duck without a choice on how the outcome will be. I don't even know how to pray about it. .... but let me try :
Mum cooked dinner tonight, and I came home from work late... well... correction: Came home from office late. Have not done much work, honestly. Blogged a few entries to help straighten thoughts and emotions. Without it I don't know what kind of an emotional wreck would I be by now.
Took a very long shower.. the hot water was therapeutic. Scrub my body and took my time to let the water relax the tense muscles, especially my neck. It has been really really bad with sharp deep piercing pain. I just couldn't seem to relax it. Can't go for a massage too, because I'm having my menses, it would be inconvenient and not so nice to subject the nice lady to it either. Sigh......
After dinner, back to my room. All of a sudden, the loneliness gripped me again and I started crying and sobbing all over again. And for the hundredth time I wanna send him an sms, yet struggle against it. What would I want from him? A reply? Leave the man in peace!!!!!!! ARRRGHHHHH. Again plenty of self doubt and negative thoughts.
I felt like the Beast in the story "Beauty and the Beast"... where Beauty returned home to visit her father and forgotten all about the Beast waiting for her return (or was it that her dad feign sickness to keep her home??? Argh so many different versions!)... the beast almost died of despair and probably miss her like crazy till his heart ripped into pieces. Even the roses withered. I think I can identy with Beastie now. Next time I watch the cartoon or movie I think I will weep for the Beast even before he felt the pain. I could feel myself withering.. like a plant without sunlight (hey I'm not plastic!).. like a rose without water ... like a hamster in a cage without food and water for a week (wow, and still alive???)...
And thoughts of giving up on it all became louder and louder. But no, I'm the one at fault this time, I deserved to be in pain, I deserved to be punished in this most cruel way... moreover, in his email, he had ask me not to run away and hide... because it would only show that I don't want him to work towards our future when he is trying.
Moments later, I suddenly realise....
By continuing to do that.. I am indirectly blaming him for my unhappiness!!!!! OMG!!!! This thought snapped me out of it. But yet, what shall I do? what shall I think? I find it hard to go back to normal life... yet I believe, it is in my power to do so, and I must try.
So now, pop a pill, go to sleep, and hope I wake up in the morning instead of the evening. Bwahahahahahaahaha!!
I only have 1 more pill left, and that will be for tomorrow. Maybe I shall see the doc on Friday for more, have 1 a night till we talk again. OMG by the time we talk I'd be an addict!!!!! Hahahaha!
I guess, I'm a sitting duck without a choice on how the outcome will be. I don't even know how to pray about it. .... but let me try :
My Daddy God, thank you for being a good God, and I know your plans are always good plans, for my good. I don't know what will happen to this friendship between me and Paul, I just pray you will bless him and keep him, let there be peace in his heart, let there be clarity in his mind, may you guide his thoughts and give him the wisdom to make the right choices. May you bless our friendship and love, may it be true and sincere, may we bless each other and bring each other happiness, and that we will continue to grow in knowledge of each other, mature in our relationship, and be true friends till the end of our lives. Help me see clearly too, and help me to have the clarity and wisdom to make the right choices. Help me to have peace in my soul, and comfort for the loneliness and fear. Thank you God, in Jesus' Name, Amen.
It's midnight now. And still no message from him. Men can really cut woman off completely when they want to. Sigh.. I can only hope to hear from him tomorrow. And may I have the strength to endure through this time without breaking down further. May I find the reason to smile again soon.
This reminds me of a song :
(and fuck, right now playing on the radio is the song "Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow" Grrrrrr.rrrr.rrrrr)
CAN'T SMILE WITHOUT YOU
You know I Can't Smile Without You,
I Can't Smile Without You,
I can't laugh and I can't sing,
I'm findin' it hard to do anything.
You see, I feel sad when you're sad,
I feel glad when you're glad,
If You only knew what I'm going through,
I just Can't Smile Without You.
You came along just like a song
and brightened my day,
Who'd've believe that you were part of a dream
Now it all seems light years away.
And now you know I Can't Smile WIthout You,
I Can't Smile Without You,
I can't laugh and I can't sing,
I'm finding it hard to do anything.
You see, I feel sad when you're sad,
I feel glad when you're glad,
If you only knew what I'm going through,
I just can't smile.
Now some people say happiness takes so very long to find.
Well I'm finding it hard leaving your love behind me.
And you see,
I Can't Smile Without You,
I Can't Smile Without You,
I can't laugh and I can't sing,
I'm findin' it hard to do anything.
You see, I feel sad when you're sad,
I feel glad when you're glad,
If You only knew what I'm going through,
I just Can't Smile Without You
Indeed, I haven't been smiling. Has Tweetie lost her chirp? A colleague remarked that I looked really glum, another wondered if I'm sick because the rosiness on my cheeks are not there and there're dark circles under my eyes. OMG I look like shit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sigh, and I have totally no apetite for food.
Oh, but I did smile for a bit earlier when El Gato came online just before I was about to leave office. Chatted for 10mins or so, and the thought of joining him for pizza and a beer soon cheered me up. Sigh..
OK, though the sleeing pill don't seem to be working yet, I think its' time for me to position myself for sleeping. Heh. May I wake up to a chirpier morning. I'll see my sexy muffin in my drreams later, I hope.
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