31/08 . Yes, news from him at last but....

The sleeping pill i took seemed to work. I woke in the afternoon. HAHA! Actually, i woke in the morning, and head spinning, feeling drugged, hence sent a message to the office that I'm taking half day off.

Got in to the office and to my surprise, an email from him.

Tears flow from my eyes as I read those words, no matter how light hearted he had tried to make it sound. It is clear that he will not pursue anything more than a close friendship with me. Though he said "for now".. but then he also said "for sure things will not change at his end, and I should spread my wings and fly". I guess i posseess the intelligence to understand that indeed I have been dumped. Not the type of "dumped" as in gone. Its the type that says, let's just be friends.

I am not able to think straight nor see things positively.

What made it worse... was... Well, curiosity kills the cat.
Went to Yahoo 360 and realised that he's back and the 2 friends there originally are back there too. And he didn't send me an invite. He said, he can add me if i like. So, it is if I WANT, may not be what he want, right? Is that patronising me?
Next, I went to look at both friend's pages too... realised that it was only 41 and 44 minutes ago that he has been leaving nice flirts and comments on their page. None on mine. Jealousy rise in my heart, of course tears roll too. Because one of the friends is hani of course.
He is not at work? he is home? and no sms from him, and just an email from him he wrote 3am last night?

Then I saw Hani has another blog, from her page.. and went to take a look.
Well, of course I wouldn't like it to see how she had talked about me - a stupid thing for me to do. As I say, curiosity kills the cat.
And then, I saw their pics together. boy he still look so charming, and they looked really happy together. Sadness filled my heart as i recall my time with him in London and the couple pics I took with him. Seemed like its been just a dream, and now I've been awaken from it, and what i see is reality. this reminded me of Tom Cruise in Vanilla Sky. What a horrible thing to return to reality, to realise that you have been defaced?

Have I been mindfucked again? Have I been played out?

Have I really been loved by this man?

I had been so happy in his arms, so assured of his love, so contented in his love, so pained by the separation of distance, so impatient to wait for the day we can really be open about our love.

But now, he has pulled the plug from my life support machine. Or was it just my perspective? I really do not want to blame him, but it does sound like I am. Hahaha, yeah, I think i am blaming him by saying that. sheeeeesh! He should not be made to feel that my happiness depends on him. that will be exhausting!

I could not hate him, because he is a trapped man. He is trapped by 2 woman who yells and screams and intimidates and threatens, and all he need is peace and stability. By making the decision he did, he has now the best of both worlds, killing 2 birds with one stone, and I have been sacrificed. It sounds nice that he did it because he dont' want to keep me back. But he has forgotten that I love him. My love does not center around me. But I will not force myself down any man's throat.

I don't know if I can continue to be in close contact without loving him. And i don't think I can be in contact knowing he has chosen not to love me as a Lover, as a woman he wants to marry in future. He has been my soulmate, my dream guy in many sense, and I know I will always be in love with him as long as we carry on in contact, and I will always be jealous of his closeness with Hani because I care that much about him. In fact, I had plan to meet him in November after my meeting in Europe, and make love to him... knowing that he loves me truly.

After reading Hani's blog in blogspot, I do feel very misunderstood. I realise that Phil has said things about me too. I am now just trying not to think too much into it, because those would be destructive thoughts.

Paul, why? Why have you not contacted me yet? Why have you not sms me or call me yet? Why have you made me wait?

It'll be nice for me to email the couple pics of me and him to Hani isn't it? hahahahaha
But I guess not. I am higher and more noble than that. You don't hurt the people you love. And be reminded, what you sow is what you will reap. I choose to sow love, sow peace, sow blessings.

I don't know how it will end. Will it be goodbye for a while, goodbye forever, or good friends still. Or will we find it impossible to stop loving, and agree to work towards our future though it may seem far, though it may take 3 years or 5 years? I guess the ball is in his court. I will no longer ask him these questions. He needs to be able to think about it himself and make his own decision. If he is the man that allows the woman in his life to dictate him, then he already has hani and Maria and don't need me. I prefer to have my man be my shelter and my master. And prefer that he cherishes and esteem me above all other women, even if it means he will need to make sacrifices or lose it.

In the bible there are some parables.. though its not what Jesus is talking about.. hahahaa but I feel the analogy does apply :
A man knows that a precious treasure is in a field. To possess that treasure, he sold off all his other fields, to purchase this one field. Sometimes, wanting something you treasure might mean letting go of other things... to achieve ones goals means sacrifices.

Yet I know he is only human. I will not expect him to be perfect. Therefore I understand and will have compassion, and I forgive him for the decision that he had to make. Yes, it hurts me, and yes I will lay down any self-protective or offensive weapons, will not take revenge, and will grieve over what I have lost. I grieve that the dreams I weaved together with him about the future may never come to pass.

Sigh..
We've talked about catching movies together, walks in the park, bedroom fun, traveling to Czech / Prague, trying new things together, best companion for life, soulmate & best friends forever, and perhaps I will have his baby. We may not have too much to spend but we will be happy and work it out, brave the storms together. And when I can't sleep he'll be there to hold me and stroke my hair till I fall asleep,when I am sick he'll be there to read to me and sit by my bedside, when I am sad or in pain he will hug me tight so I know I never have to be afraid or lonely no more. I believed... I do... i believed it with all my heart... though knowing I was being naive.. yet i know he meant it when he was saying it.

Those were the dreams that kept me going... that gave the strength and courage to hold on for him. Because I knew he meant it. We even talked about starting a blog where we can put up our pictures and write about our feelings for each other, and he said he'll start spending more time to talk to me, because it is important in an LDF (long distance relationship)...

He had said.. he'll want to sort things out in his life... Hani... career... maria & kids. And he did said he'll wanna try to sort out things with Hani by year end. Yet... when this issue happened unexpectedly --though sparked off by my moment of cheap thrill (just wanted to tickle Hani's hypersensitive mind) -- he told Hani he'll just want to remain friends, and Hani deleted him from her life.. at least online. Though I feel very bad about it, yet... his chasing after her and now flirting back with her only proved to me that he was probably not intending to "sort things out by year end". Things ended earlier by 4 months and he resurrected it. Tell me what to think? But giving him the benefit of doubts, perhaps he has a more long term plan in mind.

but in my immature and narrow perspective, he enjoys her love and never want to lose it. Anyway I wasn't wanting him to cut Hani off, I only needed him to let Hani have the right understanding that they are not in a relationship anymore, so that he can be free to be in an open relationship with me. And that is only one issue. there is also maria. But I guess, that one will be the most dicey. However, I am willing to wait it out, because he is making the efforts. I am willing to be there with him as he work out all these issues. I don't blame him, sigh... I just have too high and unrealistic expectations, and must have given him undue pressure.

But bottom line, right now...
I know that he has chosen status quo. He has chosen let things go back to how they were.

Yet I do feel, I have probably totally misunderstood him.
Therefore, I will listen to his explanations with an open mind. But I'm glad I have my point of view. And I know, I am in confusion, and I don't know if I trust him anymore.