Saturday, September 02, 2006

02/09 . Storm over but darkness still looms

Sighhhhhh.....

At midnight I finally was able to chat with him again.. tears kept flowing at intervals, it hurts so much to love him, and it melts my heart each time when he said he loves me. There is always such sincerity, that it is impossible to doubt, impossible to be cynical, impossible to resist. Or am I just a sucker? Then so be it, then let me live my whole life believing it.

And I was glad, he said he forgives me. And he was really sweet about it, though he didn't know the reason why i needed so much to hear him say it, he did.. and it brought healing to my soul. My tears flow and I sobbed at my table.

But, he ask me to forgive him for breaking my dreams. What does that mean? Does that mean forever? Should I still hold on to what was once ours, does it mean he has given up and let go...., and so now its just me alone holding on to the other end of the rope?

He laughed when I said I'll marry him at 45, ten years later. I think he didn't take me seriously. I felt foolish now, for throwing myself at him despite him declaring so many times that he's sorry he will not be able to continue the dream.

I think....
I will eventually let go...
Without fuel, the fire will die... but I fear, my heart will die together with it.

I will and can always be a best friend to him, but i will probably have to hide if things become too painful to bear. I don't know how yet, but I guess it may not be as difficult too. Our chat went fine and I miss him badly. i do think we can continue to contact.. i want to.. i can't let it go. But.. I only fear, the time will come again that I want more. Right now, I feel.. beggers can't be choosers. I felt I'm at his mercy, and eating the crumbs that fell from the table. Hahaha look at me, I'm playing the victim, Shhhhhheeeesh! Snap out of it , Viv! OMG!!! GEEEZ.

OK OK, let me see.. what's the positive side of things.
Hmmm.....

Now, he said he still loves me. And I still believe him.
So, its' business as usual isn't it?
The only difference is, there will not be any working towards the future from his part.
So.... I should not have any expectations...
I do think that I want him to make me feel I have priority, but so far, it has not been his style. But I think, I can manage with whatever time he can give me.
I don't know what kind of love this is.. i can only say, it's the tough kind.

OK, another positive side...
we still have good memories, and we can still have fun.
But...
I don't know.. I've seen the blogs over at hani's, sue's, phil's, paul's... and they are all now one happy family having lots of fun. I winced ... and guess I should not visit again. I don't want to know how much fun they're having without me.. sigh.. I feel so petty and small as a person. And worse of all, i felt so envious, because I'd really like to join in but I know I won't be welcome. I'd be ignored or treated like Clay. And bcos I fear to really be my free spirited goofy self, I'd sound as lame as Clay on those blogs, hahahaa - maybe i should make him my friend, I know how he feels! DUH.

Anyway, that is all too complicated.
I think its time I get rid of all these cobwebs and slime, and remove myself from these complicated people and their lives, and stop looking into the fun they are having. GET A LIFE, VIV. I think I was trying to see how Paul's life is... its interesting that he had never mention to me the fun he has and what he does during the days, etc etc. sigh..
He was gonna start doing that... but in a way, I think he would probably not do it anymore, afterall he is no longer working towards having a relationship with me. I wonder what role am I playing as his soulmate and best friend? To only be there when he need someone? I really hope he is not going to treat me like a 24 hour convenient store. Because I think that will eventually hurt me...

Sigh, why am I doubting him? I have no idea. I need to have faith in the man.. but I guess I really have nothing to hold on to at all now. It seems the pillars that were once here has collapsed because he no longer wants to go further? I think I have not quite sort out my thoughts on this yet. What is it that I want? Why am I still so unsettled? Yet I am afraid to be so because it will only drive him away ... if i continue to doubt him. I no longer have the faith that he will stay and assure... maybe because he no longer can ..

OK, I said I will think along positive lines, so why am i always heading south with the thoughts. URGGGGGHHH..

But what I think I need to do is :
Don't go to Hani's profile or blogs again -- get a life, dont' become like her!!!
Don't go to Sue's profile or blogs again either -- bcos i think she's fun, and i'll feel sorry i can't join in...
Don't go to any of their blogs again also because -- it pricks me (jealousy) to see paul's presence there more than he is over at mine, that he's having so much fun being so cute, when I have nothing fun to offer him at all... sigh... and yes, i'm disgusted at myself, I'm behaving like a bloody concubine jealous of the king going to another concubine's to spend the night! LOL!!!!

Well, but at least I recognise those feelings and thoughts..
I guess i am still in love with him, and I am possessive over him.
I am not ready to share him with people, yet of course I don't mean stifling him.
I guess the problem lies with.. I don't get enough of him and so i get red eyes seeing other's having a part of him. And I wonder.. did they truly treasure and cherish every morsel of him? I know I do. To the point that it hurts beyond words or tears.

I know I can't use the phrase "love as strong as death".. but I know I'm not far from it. And I do wonder, if he really think his love for me exceeds mine. I don't see the proof of it, so I win. hahaha. Ok not funny.

I wonder why he said he is not worthy of my love? He said he is not worthy because he can't give me what I want from him. But I think, love isn't always about giving and taking. Love is a choice, a decision. To love the person including his imperfections and weakness and shortcomings, because .. what you love at the same time is his strength and beauty and whatever virtues and qualities and person that he is. It reached a point that it is unconditional. Ohhh, haha I know I have not arrived at "unconditional" yet, because I am still struggling with possessiveness, jealousy, committment, insecurity. Sigh... Well, i never said I'm perfect.

OK, time to sleep. I'm spewing things I might regret saying. And really i donno WTF i am talking about. But I know I am still in confusion, so all manner of thoughts and emotions are still running wild. I have only abt few hours of disturbed sleep each night this week, and my poor neck can nolonger hold my head upright. My heart has worked overtime in aching ... and tear glands are worn out.

My soul was comforted greatly by his words earlier.. and I feel, I could breathe again..
I could feel his love again...
If only he can be here to hold me tight, sob..sob...sob...

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