07/09 . Still thinking of him

Still couldn't stop myself thinking of him. Somehow. I guess he has impacted my life so deeply and every image of him, every word written & spoken by him has been deeply etched in my mind in my soul in my heart. It's gonna be really hard to detach myself if I ever want to.

He said we're so entwined in our souls that he could not bear to see me hurt and his very first respond will be always to protect and comfort and soothe... I wonder if he could feel these deep achings of my heart? Can he feel it reducing as death takes over? The despair continues as I continue to experience his silence. I wonder how is he feeling now? I couldn't feel his pain, because I have no idea what he is going through right now.. other than headaches, some frustrations from hani, maybe some distress & annoyance because of Maria, some exhaustion because of the funeral arrangements, errands, playing with the kids, some anxiety because of his job and finances, some irritation because of his dad, some part of him missing me?? ... sigh...

I still care about him.

And after reading back our last conversation, I felt I have over-reacted. And wonder if I have misunderstood him once again.. perhaps I was so dismayed at that point, i stop listening to what he is saying and just went to the extreme of devastation refusing to hear anything else.

Upon reading back, I realised I've also failed to be his friend. I think I should have probe him more about a statement he made ... that Maria has not made up her mind if she will walk out on him. I don't remember reading it. If I did I would have try to find out what happened.. background & context of that statement.. have they been talking again? Or have they been in a fight? How does he feel about it? Is he worried that she will take the kids with her? Have he tried talking sense into her not to drag the kids into it? She does not have work and how is she going to survive if she walks out? She does not have family and friends where would she go? If she insist on going she can but she should not drag the kids along and use them as weapons to hurt him or manipuluate him.... and it is not fair for the kids too. Sighhh..... i feel helpless along with him, because I do not have any advice or solution nor is able to offer any tangible help. The least I could do is to be his listening ear, yet I was so absorbed in my own emotions to be a friend to him. I wish I can be by his side, to provide comfort and moral support... just like the day when he encountered Chris & Huabs at the cinema.

Yet at the same time, I disagree with how he is handling things with Hani. I guess I really don't know the facts behind the scene other than what he has been telling me. But from what he is saying.. and what he has been doing (what I can see from the blogs & friends sites).. I feel confused and puzzled. And this is one thing i cannot really reconcile or resolved in my mind till today. Judge a man's intention by his actions. Right now, i still can't comprehend fully the story between him and Hani. but I know, for me to have a very objective view of things, I will need to be detached from him first as a "lover" wannebe.

Went to visit Hani's friendster blog last night... and saw her blog entry expressing her confusion.. crawling in the dark and couldn't see ahead.. if it is ending.. if she should use her mind and what she is seeing or still continue to believe ... blah blah blah.. and no one is telling her anything. Sighh.. i feel for her and I could feel her pain. Am I not in the same boat? In some way yes. I feel she has sharp instincts, and she is not stupid. Women tend to deny what our instincts are telling us, suppress our feelings and tell ourselves otherwise.. and dismiss those thoughts. It doesn't help us further if the man continues to give us false hopes and assurances. ARRGGHHHH I don't know, I don't want to accuse him. I just think he has the softest heart and never want to hurt anyone and therefore he couldn't bear to either end things, confront her honestly and directly on issues he felt is wrong based on his sharp instincts, nor see her devastated or disappointed in him. Sometimes, we have to be cruel to be kind. And I have always ask it of him. So far, he has not promised me i think.. hahahaaha O dear, I can't remember if he did. Sometimes he does, sometimes he just said something else and i got distracted.

Anyway i deleted the link after reading. I don't ever wanna go back to read her blogs again...
And Phil's friendster blog is gone too? i click the direct link and it says Not Found. I hope he has not deleted his blog or account has he? I don't think he will pay money to keep his blog private hahahaa.. but perhaps its just some bug. Anyway, I decided to delete the link too. I no longer want to be involved in their lives remotely. I still like Phil's humour, his wicked wit is also unbeatable. I still love the good in these people, even Hani... from the impression given through her blog, and I do believe she touched the lives of people around her with her personality and kindness. Probably because she felt intimidated by me and sensitive and suspicious about my intentions she went on offensive at me. Sighhhhh...... it doesn't matter now. I'm tired of all these games and adult issues. Can I go back to being a simpleton and an idiot?

Another issue I feel strongly about is..
if hani was the one who wrote that letter to Maria, and if he really feel in his gut that it is Hani and not Huabs ---- Then he rightly owe Huabs a sincerely apology, and I think he should do it without delay and there's no need to wait for evidence. There will never be evidence (unless Maria secretly kept the letter she received) and hani will never confess to it. He should bring closure to his issues with Huabs by giving her this apology, she deserves it.

And it is precisely the poison pen threat Hani posed that made me move my blog address and this time change the blog header too. I do miss "Tweetie Talk" but I guess, its too risky. I dont want her to do a search and find me here, because I blog honestly and not ambiguously about my thoughts and people. Yes when i first started out i don't use names, but now, I no longer give people the link... its' private and I'm giving myself the freedom to air my own thoughts. Sigh.. However I do enjoy those times too, when I share my blog with friends and other folks. In Yahoo360 it is still too public for comfort, and I feel vulnerable to come under the attack of people I know or don't know. I am after all, a person that relates more on a one-on-one basis, comfortable with a small group of close friends instead of the general public.

Oh yes, back to the threat of poison pen. The threat we're under, is that if hani finds this blog, she'll first of all blow and end things with paul of course, and then she might potentially copy the contents and forward them to Maria - which will result in a volcanoe eruption or atomic bomb explosion in the house, leading to her leaving with the kids and him devastated, and Hani can also use the contents of my blog to ridicule me in her blogs etc. Is she capable of such hateful mean intentions? If she is, why does he continue to be associated with her in such an intimate basis? If my friend is capable of making my life hell this way and I no longer trust him/her, I will quickly detach myself and stay far away keeping a safe distance and if possible lose contact. But I know, we always tend to believe in the good of others, especially our friends. I guess, it is hard for him when they have so many years of close friendship together. I believe she loves him dearly, and he, once loved her too.. he called her "his muse" and I can't remember what she called him. It's etched in the inside of the rings they exchanged with each other.. and said their vows. In a bizzarre way, they are engaged.. and to her.. they are married to each other. I don't know, I just think it is beyond my ability to comprehend, but i guess you can't keep keep love in a box and give it rules. Love goes beyond rules and defy comprehension.

I think I am now confusing myself and confusing others with my thoughts, LOL!!!!!!

It is still hard not to have heard from him..
And hard not to have heard from anyone else either!!! hahahaha
Oh but Martin have begun to step up on his messages and sent me sms today saying he has been thinking of me, how am I doing?.. GAH. I wonder what kind of thoughts he have been thinking. I'd say its not pure ones. bwahahahahahha~!!

I've been quiet for 2 whole days at work and has been expressionless most times. Collegues are getting very concerned and started saying sweet things and sunny stuff to me though they have no idea what is bothering me. So sweeeeet of them it warms my heart. :)
And ET read my blog yesterday when she found me strangely quiet bcos i did not reply to her messages on MSN. See, this is what I mean!!!! She went there to see if I updated anything about my present state of mind or what I am going through. Then she called me to say she has seen my blog post and how am I doing. I am touched to the core and had a good talk with her in the evening.. feeling much better after the talk.

I still can't get out of the habit of checking mails for his messages, checking Yahoo360 for his comments, checking my mobile for his sms at almost every 60mins interval. Each time I load gmail I brace myself for disappointment.. .. sigh.... I miss those days where I got there and there's a cheery little or long message from him with wacky subject titles. I love him and his messages so much.. I love him in too many ways, its gonna be hard to kick this addiction.

OK, will get back to work now. Just taking a moment after lunch to ease the verbal diarrhea of my soul, sort out the thoughts and emotions.

I love you baby, and I miss you.