05/09 . Daily joy & the pangs of adjustment

Change is the only constant, and when things or circumstances change, I need to adapt and adjust to changes, and coping with it the best way I can. Most of all, I must remind myself to be open and positive about changes, and be contented with what I still have, instead of whining about what I no longer hold.

For the past 2 days, I have awaken early in the morning to chat with my BaoBei. And to me, it has been gratifying to have such moments with him. I could feel such a freedom of his soul, and could once again connect with him much intensely ... because he is relieved of the stress and pressure and self-consciousness and annoyance that comes from the suspicious & prying eyes from behind him. Sighhhhhhhh I totally understand how tormenting that felt. I get cranky and won't be surprised that Mr Cranky will bring along his friend, Mr Headache.

Those morning talks has been precious. I shed tears (as always), felt my heart swell with love, at times melt under his sweetest words, speak freely and ask questions, joke and muck around, and finding the joy again that we once enjoy talking together. He is such a different person - and I can now comprehend why. I am only concerned that he is not sleeping enough because he's not such a nocturnal creature like I am. I am very deeply touched that he stay up late to chat with me. Awwwwww.......

So now, we chat in the morning instead. From 7am to 8am.. maybe 8.20am, the hour past so fast it felt like 10 minutes to me. I treasure it, and can't wait till morning again.

Well, this also means some drastic adjustments, to which I am still adapting to .. and which I i'm still going through withdrawals, ahahhaa.. almost like jet lag (SLEEEEEEPP) or a change of lunch hour to a later timing... HUNGER!!!!!!!

And I realised I'm quite an animal of habit and routine when it comes to this hahaha..
In the beginning when we're friends (when I was still crazy abt Phil and Baobei was then my wonderful caring pal whom I adore)... he'll book me for chats and it doesn't matter if I could make the chat or not. It's free and easy, casual, and maybe just twice per week. Well but it did start to increase when he started to call me for 5mins when he is at lunch or walking home from work just to find out how was my day, and I would look forward to 7pm or 11pm just to get his friendly call. Also at that point, we're leaving messages and comments everywhere on the blogs so there's really not one day where we didn't "heard" from each other. :)

Things begin to spin really fast when the storm blew, following my "departure" and then his peresistency.. and we started chatting daily, hahahahaa that was so funny, because I was wanting to keep a break of silence, and he will ask me if it is working at all, ahahhahaaaa.. URRGgggghhhh this guy!! Oh I miss this part of him so much! His persistency is unbeatable.. when he wants to. hehe..

So the romance season started..
Text exchanges via sms during the day.. back and forth..
before he goes to work he'll try to catch me on google chat for 10mins to say hello (and I'd actually wait around my PC at 2.15pm just so I could catch him. Well.. it stopped. But its ok.. .. however I continued to log on to gmail and wait for a whole week before I am convinced he's not coming on at that hour anymore.. hahaa, silly gal.
Weekends, or during the week we'd talk on the phone or have longer chats at night..
there's also emails from him.. :)
OK, the way I'm describing it is as if it spanned over a long period, hahaa no.. i think this was only for 2-3 weeks, then I flew to LONDON!!!!!

While in Norway, even on the flight towards Amsterdam, the anxious longing and impatience to finally meet him was there. Wished so much I'm flying straight to London instead of having to wait for a whole week! And during those days too, exchanges in text and also calls when possible.

Needless to say, the time in Enfield is electrifying, intense, romantic, we spent time freely talking, dated continuously for 3 days (haha!), and had a memorable time together. It was so hard to say goodbye at airport.. Sighhhhhhhhh... I.... MISS.... HIM.... SO.... MUCH!!!
And I wish with all my heart, this will not be the first & last time we are together. I pray that a miracle will happen for us one day.

Anyway, ever since the recent storm and explosion plus what happened at home with maria & kids..... (-OMG it was just last Monday, a week ago!! felt like its been a month! the torment really shook me up, sighhhhhh) - things have changed. And it is harder now and even tougher. It does seem to me that the odds against us have rised even more! And I do know, everyone is emotionally and mentally exhausted in many ways.

It is time to accept that things have change, and adapt to the change, make the best out of it, make the most out of it. I am very contented now, and will continue to remind myself to be contented. ARggghhhhh it is still hard not to get his sweet or cheery sms for the day without missing him so bad till it hurts, but if I manage my expectations (e.g. Expect NO texts) then eventually after some time.. I'll get adjusted.. other routine of life takes over.. no more pangs and cravings.. sighhhh.. (wonder if that is really possible. I'm like a wave that keeps sweeping non-stop onto his shore, hahahaa..), a rising tide. Oh dear.

Also, I am contented to know that he has not taken me for granted. And I know, I should ease up on him and not demand for more than he can give me in terms of attention. He has a life to live too and its not all about me. That is the problem with LDRs I guess, when we can't have visibility into your man's daily activities.. sigh... and we woman spent the whole day wondering what he is doing now.. is he thinking of me.. does he miss me... why didn't he call.. why didnt' he write.. and we go insane getting hung up. That's why I like Madonna's song "Hung Up". .. It goes.. "Time goes by .. so slowly.. while I'm waiting on you". Yet men are dumb-dumbs, hahahahaha..

Well, sigh, I still think of him throughout the day, through the night.. he's the last thing on my mind before I fall asleep (if I could!).. and the first thing on my mind when I awake (too early!! and kept missing him again!! arrrggghhhhhhh *pulls hair*).

If I can manage my expectations, and be contented with what the waves sweep in instead of expecting daily shipments by sea... hahaha I think I'll be a much relaxed and happy gal!

Today, I have not sent him sms. BUT, I've already sent him 2 emails!!!! hahahahaa
But it was sweet of him to send me an email today.. i had been deeply disappointed that he has not been reading mails because he did not log into google at all.. and I felt bad telling him the truth. sigh.. but I'm glad too, otherwise I'd probably be prone to resentment because of the disappointments. Hope deferred makes the heart sick. Disappointment is the hardest to overcome. It's easier to deal with anger than disappointment. I am so grateful that he is kind to me in his reaction. I cried when i confessed it because it took a lot out of me to voice that out. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Yet he always have the sweetest respond that soothes.. diminish every drear.. and bring good cheer back to my soul. I am just falling and falling in love with him over and over and over again.. haha yeah..

I don't know how I could ever stop loving him, and I don't know how bright the future looks for us. As for now, I will cherish every moment, and will continue to journey through this tumultuous path with him. May we always bring each other joy, happiness, cheer, love, peace, fulfillment, comfort, acceptance, understanding and all things good. May we always be honest, open, sensitive, considerate, and gracious to each other and be the best soulmates, best friends, best companions and best lovers..... hopefully, best life partner for each other.

OK, its 5.30pm. Time to go home.. get distracted.. try to sleep and wake up tomorrow for our chat. Wish I could shorten the waiting time by lengthening the sleeping time!! ahhahaahaaa!! go to bed at 7pm and wake up 7am!!! Woah and that will be just 2 conscious hours to wait! hahaaha, I'll try. Go to the doctor and get some hard core sleeping pill that'll knock me out for a full 12hrs. teeheeeheeee...

I wonder what is he doing right.... now....? Hmm....... (perhaps he just woke - its 10.30am ^^,) Good morning Cupcake!!!!!!