02/09 . Fight with depression

Sigh... so many thoughts today...

Sucidal ones..
Depressed ones..
Hopelessness...
OMG!!!!!

I know I'm in depression. It is obvious. hahahaha.. OK, I know whenever I write, my humour and wit will still leave its marks and making this a lighter read.. what to do, it's a part of my personality, its my sense of humour that keeps me sane (.. or insane, bwahahahaha..).. and I bet that is also one reason why he loved me. :)

Then there are also the nice thoughts...

Tomorrow.. our 1 month anniversay of first date, first kiss, first hug, first intimate moments though no sex. Sigh... i'm still a V... (=~.~=) and how I wish ... heeheeeheee.. bad idea.
And maybe to start just a new blog to put up the nice things I shared with him... like a memory lane. Yes, short but sweet. Just less than 1 month. So sad. And others can proudly display the lovey couple pics, while I have to only secretly view mine under covers. These are actually the first real couple pictures I've ever taken with a man I love...
Will he cherish and appreciate it? But I think, perhaps I'll just leave it as a post here... or maybe both. Just in case we never contact again, at least he still have it for his memory - but OH, judging by what I know so far, he will probably lost the link and can't find it again. hehehe.. so him. I love him for that, you know. I love him for so many things, he is so endearing in his own ways. I wish he knew he don't need to be super macho and super capable or be a super hero to win my heart... even in his little weaknesses and failings I find something to love. Awwwww..... why I am crying again?

Dad and mum are worried about me today I could tell. I didn't step out of my room till 4pm, with swollen eyes. I didnt' eat a thing.. and they could tell I was holding something in. OK not my fart. hahahahaa that will be impossible!!! So it was tough to act normal in front of them and say no wah, i'm just having a bad neck... had not slept well whole week... blah blah blah...
I laid in bed awake since morning... just didn't want to move... having one horrible thought after another.. and I can almost visualise the demon of depression like a dark shadow hovering over me and whispering all kinds of doubts fears doom hopelessness into my mind, and I'm like a sponge helplessly soaking it all in. Where is the strength to resist it? Where is the faith and hope?

Will I ever fall in love again with another man?
Or will I just settle for anyone, because I have given up hope... just go for anyone decent who'll take me. I ain't worth fighting for anyway, I ain't worth trying for, ain't worth making sacrifices for... (now, viv.. you know that's not true - you're worth dying for, and Jesus did that for you. sobsob... yes I am worthy. I AM WORTHY!!!!!!!!!)

And if I really did fall in love again.....
Will he be kind and considerate? (...just like him? my cupcake...)
Will he be sweet and attentive? (....just like Sweetness?)
Will he be witty and funny?
Will he be tall and handsome? (... my sexy muffin...)
Will he be a great person to talk to, who listens well?
Will he be a soulmate, a best friend, a great companion?
Will he be fun and naughty and breathtaking in bed?
Will he be a lover of food and movies and stuff I like too?
Will he be always looking upon me with adoration?
Will he love every part of my body, my being, me?
Will he make time for me? Will he miss me badly each time?
Will he make me feel I'm the most special woman to him in the whole wide world?
Will he tell me that I'm the only picture in colour when the rest of the world is in black and white?
Will he still love me in my failings, my imperfections, my quirks & peeves, my temperaments, my idiosyncracies, my ugliness, my bad?
Will I be attracted to him, admire him, respect him, love him deeply with all my heart?

Does such a man still exist? Well I found one.. his name is Cupcake, Sweetness, Sexy Muffin, PlayBitch.... my soulmate. How do I let it go? It will kill me.

If love is selfish, I will use despicable methods to attain him. But unfortunately, when you love someone, you let them free. His happiness will be above yours.

And right now, why do I wanna destroy his world by pressing for more? It would be selfish of me. Right now, he is able to have his little paradise outside of the trapped situation with Maria and kids.. his paradise of having a low maintenance love/friendship/relationship with Hani, maybe Marce.. his source of joy and comfort and fun. These are things that keep him happy and sane. Though I believe meeting me rock it all up, shake it all up. I am Real. Not fantasy. He can keep everything and still keep Hani because she's a trapped woman herself. So the common ground is the internet where they can meet and touch each other's life with love, care, humour, chats, calls.. etc.. It's real, yet in a way, it cuts off all the sharp corners -- the reality of living together and sharing live's ups and downs and burdens and responsibilities.

To love me might mean giving it up. It means the possibility of marrying and living a joined life. To do that it means change. What about the current partner? what about the children? What about the livelihood? I see the possibilities, it will be tough, but I see the possibilities. Because I am naive. hehehehehehe Well, I guess sometimes I see in straight line, sigh, and this must have frustrate the hell out of people who have real problems in life.

OK, anyway, I know this :
I AM TRAPPED TOO.
I love him too much to give it up, and I still get all delighted to get his sms each time. And having the chance to chat just brighten my day. But once I dont' have his presence.. I go into misery..
So I need to manage this misery. Wah it sounds so bloody complicated!

I guess the next steps is to...
Get to know new guys & be open to their advances
Increase distractions - i.e. Gym, work, meet friends, etc.
Continue to fight the negative destructive depressing thoughts.

After all, i do know that he loves me, and he has tried to love me in the best way humanly possible for him. That's why I love him truly, deeply, madly. Hahaha sounds like the song eh?
And I felt so much better now. I can smile.