06/09 . Devastation

Chatted again this morning with him and my tears fall like rain when it dawned upon me that he truly is relating to me only as a soulmate & best friend and nothing further. I have not taken the term literally in all his mails, had put the thoughts on hold though my emotions went into gyrations last week. I had held on to the hope that his love for me is beyond friendship and strong as that of a lover. I found out that I am wrong about that this morning.

Right now i am in a daze. I am in somewhat of a denial, and in devastation.
I have still been relating to him like a lover, declaring an even stronger love, yet this man has already taken the step back.. when I am still moving forward.. thinking he is with me. Vivian Hoo, time to wake up.

And if this is the current state of things.. many things don't matter anymore. And my expectations have to be reset at the lowest level.

From a "best friend and soulmate"..

I do not expect priority of attention
-- hence no room for jealousy. No more feeling the pricks and pangs when he is giving another person (whom he is/was romantically linked) more attention or flirts or teases.

I do not expect him to read my emails or look forward to my emails - and no wonder another load of my emails sent yesterday has gone unread. I was quiet about my disappointment, and it doesn't matter anymore.

I do not expect him to even read my blog when he can
-- because what I'm thinking and feeling and going through is no longer the first thing on his mind that he wanna know about. I just feel, he's no longer as curious about me as he was before.
OK that's not a fair statement I know, he has too much things on his plate but I think I will stop making excuses for him from now on. However, just like my best friend ET, she will periodically read it regularly to see if i've updated it, and sometimes she dont read its fine she has been fully updated with what's happening in my life. And even if she has no time to read them when she told me she will, I'm fine.. I don't feel disappointed.
Sigh. its hard for me to change the way I look at things.. to me.. actions still speak louder than words. And so far, he has been giving lots of words but recently... only recently.. he has not been delievering.. sighhh..

I have set wrong expecations on him , therefore I am disappointed. So I won't blame him. I will manage my expecations. I WILL MANAGE MY EXPECTATIONS!!!

And i do feel so foolish in expressing all my disappointments to him, because, that will only just give him some pressure, that made him meet those expecations because he feel bad, not because he love me so much he can't wait to check and see I've sent him any mails today, can't wait to see if I updated anything in my blog or finding it strange that I've not been blogging etc. I do not have the words to describe the extent of devastation I am feeling, and I know my pride has been hurt. I now feel ashamed that I've been expressing to him my desires to make love to him (when he did not view upon me as a lover!! EEEEWWWW), and feel ashamed that I've felt all lovy dovy with all his new attentions given to me in Yahoo 360 plus the morning chats.

BUT... yes.. I am not ashamed that I have love him. I have love boldly, freely, with abandonment, without holding back. I have love him with a pure heart, with my whole heart.

And its lonely to be loving someone all by yourself, without reciprocation in the same way..

I can't accept nor handle the reality right now that he has taken the stand of closer than bestfriend and soulmates. And it doesn't help when he kept repeating that he had made it very clear in all his several emails to me that he can only be friends. It made me feel so ... shameless.. OMG.. that I have told him i will not give up on loving him, i will not give up on the hope that we'll be together one day, that I will hold on and blah blah blah..

Hahahaha this picture doesn't look too good to me. HEY LEAVE THE MAN ALONE BITCH! HE SAID NO!!!!!!!!!!!

Time to go to work. Today the weather will be cloudy and storms at different parts of the day.

This time... reality sets in. I'm giving up the twilight & flicker of hope. I have been utterly shattered. Is there still any point in completing my Anniversary post?


Never thought this will made me cry and sob out aloud... its been a long time since I've cried so hard that i need to muff it with a towel.. the last time it must have been in Feb/Mar.. over Hook, the devastation is beyond my expectations.

Feeling much better after a good cry. Will leave the thinking to tonight. No more chats with him till Friday morning. Will be up to it then hopefully. Time to take the step back and take off the badge that says.."Lover". I've poured out all of my love.. and time to turn the tap off.

Sigh. What a fool I've been.