03/09 . Love even stronger

So glad I could have that chat with him last nite.. it was really really precious... and he came online despite being fully exhausted and having a migraine running. How do you stop loving a man like that? (And no no no you don't you demon of cynicism, i resist you! Yes I can't be there to verify if he is really having a migraine haha but i will not allow any seeds of doubt here! GO AWAYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!! )

OK, done. Demolished that cynical thought... hahahaa what to do, all of the demons have recently attended my pity party. Some refused to leave though the party is over!

During the talk, i cried a few times, different reasons.

Once, i cried when i misunderstood him of accusing me of "playing games" and felt hurt by his blunt words which seemed to carry a tone of impatience with me - (of course, I read text off the screen with my voice & apply emotions from my end....) But realised later he meant he is having a headache and can't do guessing games so prefer to have me tell him things straight bcos he already has problem concentrating... Ahhhhh... i see.. ooops. --- But that is the kind of honesty we share with each other.. that I am able to tell him when I felt hurt by some words (which I know is unintended to inflict wounds), instead of harbouring it within and allowing resentment to build. And he possess the greatest patience to explain kindly what he meant instead of reacting to my words and get annoyed. But no matter what he said, I do know there are times I annoyed him and get to him, was insensitive and hurt him, was accusing or blaming... -- just that he has the depth of love and width of graciousness to tolerate and minimise its effects on him. I think, next to him, no man will have such patience and love for me... Sighhhhh... (Perhaps other than God, but God is GOD, no one can compare to GOD!!!!!!)

Another time I cried, is when he said.. "I... love... You...."
Sigh... and I know he meant it with all his heart, so much so I could feel it so real. I know he does not patronise me and I know he loves me more than I think, more than I can imagine.

Also, I cried (oh dear I'm such a cry baby, sigh...) when I was pleading for him to chat with me today, to let me see his face again on the webcam. At that point, I was prepared that this might be the last time I will see his face in real-time... , and I wanna make the anniversary memorable for me (because it meant so much more to me)..., and then disappear from his life forever - oh, or for as long as I can help it. I have failed each time, haha, but I don't give up trying, kekekekekeke...

However, as of today, I have changed my mind... I can't walk out on him.

Today, while I was searching for a good famous friendship quote (and a mild one that won't start explosions - wish i could send love quotes!!!) for his Friendster testimony... I saw one that says.. "A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out". And it had a tremendous impact on me. I was horrified that I, his friend... not just a friend.. but his bestest friend in the wholest widest world - was gonna walk out on him, OMG!! How could I even do that!!!!! Anyway honestly, I know I could never walk out on him...it has been impossible. Sigh....... and now that we've had the talk last night, I felt the bonds we shared have become even stronger than ever. I was gonna walk out because I had begun to doubt him, thinking he has let go of his end of the rope, thinking that there's no point for me staying because I can't see why he need me around, thinking that without me he'll still have a nice life anyway -- judging by the fun he seems to be having elsewhere, feeling the pain in my heart that deepens with each increasing day without him, missing him, pining for his attention, living on his every word.... it was getting so unbearable I just wanna cut and run, knowing that he'll be alright.

sigh.. I was so wrong.

During the talk, I understand finally .. and see more clearly the deep fear he has for losing his children. He loves them above anything in the world and can never walk out on them nor lose them - which explains why he will never risk it. I get to comprehend the severity of the whole matter, learn the extent of what destructive means the other women could go to ensure maximum damage to his world. (WTF!!? And you call that love? OMG... run from the witch, you idiot!!!! ... and yea~ come to me baby.. I'm a bitch but i'm no witch. bwahahahaa~!). I see a man tormented and trapped in a complicated situation that may never change, and in some way ...one that he may not leave even if the cage door is opened. And I know, though he is bound and gagged in his prison, I am the only window in this cold dark prison cell, from which he could look out once in a while to gaze at the beautiful sunny skies and smell the fragrance of the flowers outside, and feel the nice soothing breeze blowing in, glance at the silver moon light.... (heh, so poetic...)

EEEEK~!! *GULP~*!!!! OK OK haha.. I think I'm exalting myself really high here, hahahahahaha but in a self-conceited way I do like the picture very much, hahahaha!!!! So... how could I bring myself to close this window on him? I'm not heartless!!! So, I guess, as long as he still want this window, the window stays open. Sigh..... Oh, but he does have the internet and TV you know... people nowadays look into PC and TV screens more than looking out windows!!! And in the same way, his entrance into my life has brought such sunshine and hope... made dreams came true, though there are some dreams that we are still holding on... may it come true one day. *clasp hands and pray*

I just feel that.. after this explosion and storm and all that I've went through for the past week.. and after this heart to heart talk with him (heyyyyyy all our talks are heart to heart!!) .. I have come through - having a deeper love for him, a greater trust and understanding, ....stretched in my capacity to handle pain, willingness to be even more patient, stubborness to hang on and not give in, and an even softer heart and empathy for what he is going through. I felt that through it, I have known him better, taste of his love stronger, and all I wanna do is make love to him. HAHAHAHA OK OK the last bit is true but I added it in because it will seem more colorful that way. Hmmmm...... yes I do wanna make love to him. oh yaahh.. oh yahh...yahh..yahh... :P

Right now, though there is only a twilight of hope for a future to be together, I'm holding on to it. Because he too, is still holding on to that flicker of hope, that things might change in the future because there is so much uncertainty in life.

I only hope that there will come a time where he can find a solution, e.g. talk Maria through till she accept the circumstances and allow him to love someone else, be with someone else while still supporting her and kids, - where thing do not need to be extreme, where there is no need to take the kids away forever. It is a naive thought and a dream, but there can be miracles... when you believe.

Lyrics from chorus of the song WHEN YOU BELIEVE :

There can be miracles
When you believe
Though hope is frail
It’s hard to kill
Who knows what miracles
You can achieve
When you believe
Somehow you will
You will when you believe

Hmmmm..... saw another interesting song when searching for above lyrics...
Never heard it though, but the words seemed rather apt, hehehe :

Miracles Happen (When You Believe)
(From the album "MYRA")

Miracles happen, miracles happen
You showed me faith is not blind
I don't need wings to help me fly
Miracles happen, miracles happen

I can't imagine living my life without you now
Not ever having you around
We found our way out
(on you I can depend)
Don't have to look back to realize how far we've come
There are million reasons
I'm lookin up
I don't want this to end


Nothin should ever bring you down
Knowing what goes around will come around

You showed me faith is not blind
I don't need wings to help me fly
Miracles happen, once in a while
When you believe (miracles happen)
You showed me dreams come to light
That takin a chance on us was right
All things will come with a little time
When You believe

There is no question we found the missing pieces
Our picture is complete
It's fallen into place
This is out moment, you and I are looking up
Someone is watching over us
Keeping me close
Closer to you everyday


Nowhere on earth i'd rather be
No one can take this away from you and me


You showed me faith is not blind
I don't need wings to help me fly
Miracles happen, once in a while
When you believe (miracles happen)
You showed me dreams come to light
That takin a chance on us was right
All things will come with a little time
When You believe

When you believe
The soul is a shining light
When you believe
The heart has the will to fight
You can do anything, don't be afraid
We're gonna find our way

You showed me faith is not blind
I don't need wings to help me fly
Miracles happen, once in a while
When you believe (miracles happen)
You showed me dreams come to light
That takin a chance on us was right
All things will come with a little time
When You believe


Happy Anniversary baby, I love you.
*tigger*