09/09 . Disappointment and the wait

I really need to express my continual disappointment with him.

Why?

Why can't he just read my emails and send a reply?

That morning when we chat... when I told him honestly about how very disappointed I am that he doesn't seem to have read my emails, he felt so sorry and bad he apologised and said he will fix it.. that immediately after the chat he will go and take a look at the emails I've been sending him for the past week, and give me a reply. And he said he will read and reply each morning after chatting with me how about that? And I said, yes, I'd like that very much.

Guess what? Yes I did get his email, and I was happy. So happy I sent a reply. And in the evening right after I came home from work, I took the pain to write him a "All About Me" Tag Game answers that the friends are playing on the blogs, asking friends to answer those questions to see how they are connected. I wrote with my heart and soul, and had spent time thinking about the answers.... BUT....

I think till today, he have not seen my reply, NOR has he seen that email I sent him on those intimate answers.

Sighh.....

I have told him, the only way for me to know if you've read my mail is if you reply, or just simply acknowledge that you've got it, read it. I don't need a lengthy reply at all. Yet in the next day, in chat, he asked me to do the blog reply of the game. And I WAS MAD!!!! But I hold it in, and told him calmly... I have done it... and I have sent it to you in an email.

Well, really... I would have love to get a reply from him. I want to know what he thinks of my answers, does he like it? does it make his day? was he touched? BUT what I get is silence.......
How long is it going to last this way? Don't he check for my mails anymore? Don't he look forward to hearing from me anymore?

What's the point of me sending letters to an empty house where the owners no longer returns? I feel deeply hurt and disappointed by this very passive attitude he has. He gave me the reason that he reads his Yahoo mails because when he loads YM messenger he will see the notification. But yet.... in the beginning, which was just 2 months ago, when we created the account for him just for private communication with me..... he checks it daily I believe. Because we're in contact everyday. We were using google talk to chat also. But now... he rarely checks it, he says.

So this time, I am determine not to talk to him again till he sends me an email. It has been 2 days and my disappointment is slowly turning into resentment. I really do not want to end up bitter and sour with him.

Also, about this blog. He told me he will come and read it....
Have I seen his footprints yet? NOPE. But I guess, if he is here, he'll probably cringe reading all these words I'm writing. It's not gonna be nice and rosy reading someone's disappointment towards you.

Yet, if he does care and want to understand what's going on with me... he knows... this is the place to go. Isn't it ironical?

I could not find anymore excuses for him, but to feel that he was having me on. Or he has "moved on". I'm sad about this thought.

I can see, that he leaves a page comment a day on my Yahoo360. But that is not what I want. I want to see HIS EMAIL or REPLY!!! GRrrrrrRRRRRrrrrrrRRRRRrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!! That is IMPORTANT TO ME!!!!!!!

I really don't know why things have suddenly change so drastically, but i know my heart is still bleeding, though my tears have ceased. Mum told me, when love is dead, tears ends. I fear. With all honestly, I am still reluctant to let it go. I am still hoping for a change. I am still hoping he'll knock and knock and knock on my door to get me back. I am hoping for him to flood me with sms, calls, emails, messages till I respond again.

His feeble effort only made me feel contempt. And utter disappointment. All I want is an email... because that is how we stay close and connected. I don't want to meet for chat. I want an email. I want him to get onto google and send me a fucking email. I want to know that he has bothered to read my heart and soul poured out to him. I want to know my words have landed upon his heart. Sighhhhhhhhhh~!

I'm so disappointed I could only cry. And could not lift up my soul.

Seeing him flirting with Hani is also bad, using the Strawberries and Cream and stuff. I detest it today, and I feel like a fool. Yes, I do. I do not see any act of sincerity.. I am turning blind and deaf to all those benefit of doubts I used to give. i don't want to end up hating him. I really want to continue to have faith in his good, and i really want to carry on to look upon him as a worthy friend. Yes, a WORTHY friend.

Are we still best friends and soulmates? I am judging from his action next few days. Now that the funeral is over, I will see what he does with his time. If he can do without me... it does seems so now... then I guess, it is time for me to WAKE UP, accept that I've been a fool again, and walk away.

He has disqualified himself.

Though forever he will remain special to me due to the special moments and memories we shared.... I am sorry and sad that it had not lasted.

Action speaks louder than words. I will not continue to believe a man who only pays lip-service.

Sigh.. Please don't disappoint me darling. Please proof me wrong, because I do still love you... but I am loosing faith by the day.

Hope things are fine with you at home. I just wish you'll write to me. It can be anything.. ranging from telling me how the funeral went, how did you feel these few days... or just telling me your thoughts about my messages or anything!!!

Sigh....

I only hope I'll not compromise and will hold out till he proof himself worthy.
May he send word soon, and stop making those silly comments thinking I will respond.

Don't handle me like you handle Hani. I don't work the same way. This formula doesn't work with me. You gotta reach me the vivian way. i.e. write me an email!!! YOU FUCKING IDIOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok, and you will score even more points if you EVEN visit this blog, read these words and leave a comment. Then yes, give yourself a pat on your shoulder -- you've just gotten your friend back and prevented losing me forever.

Good night.