02/09 . A horrible horrible thought!

OMG!!!

Was actually asleep, but my brain was "working overtime".. and lots of thoughts were passing in my subconscious.. same as in dreaming. I know because I am aware its morning, my eyes are closed, I'm still in the state of sleeping and pulling up my blanket etc.. sigh.....

Going through my mind are things he's been saying to me...

The last bit that goes through.. before I was jolted up from my sleep.. was that he has done his thinking and the conclusion of it is that he and I can never be (highly improble) together because of the situation he is in.

Suddenly it linked back to all those gals he told me about. OMG!!!! I do vaguely remember when I first realised he likes me.. I threw him lots of questions to determine how different is this from Huabs, Marce and Hani and why. He told me.. with Huabs, they thought it was love but came to the conclusion it was the closeness they enjoyed and it is not love, and agreed that they can never be. With Hani, their friendship has grown into love somehow over the years and recent events but also have come to this mutual understanding that they can never be together. BUT, for both counts, it is the women's situations that made it mainly impossible for things to work out, plus they are also from foreign lands. For Huabs, it is her family and religion etc... , for Hani, it is bcos she is married with kids and she will never leave her husband. I guess, I failed the ask him what's the difficulty on his side.... sigh.... I had assumed that since he is single and things are not working out with Maria and they both knew it and talked about it, and since what's between me and him is different, there is the element of hope.

I feel sick to the core with this thought that maybe the gals have all been through these considerations with him.. and in the end, he had to tell them that "i can't do it and dont' wait for me" but want them to stay on as his best friends because he never wanna lose them. GOSH!!! It does seem kind of logical now why it is so hard for him to cut them off despite all the bitching fighting yelling screaming of these woman (oh but it does seem to control him, the screaming yelling part, because he craves peace... peace.... peace........wish I'm also the screaming yelling type then maybe bcos of me he would have done more, bwahahahaha...).

Oh I must digress, it seems that usually it is those who don't complain that suffers. In the consumer market, the customers that makes the most noise gets the best service.. while those who are more quiet and tolerant suffer. Well you can say its their own fault, they have the right to complain too, but there are just people like that... serve them bad food and give them lousy attitude and they just accept it or walk off never come back to this outlet again. And sometimes in a workplace, the employees who complained gets benefits given to them to shut them up or make them stay. While those who are more accepting goes neglected. I think I do feel neglected in my needs as compared to all those women's shouting yelling crying screaming and stomping of feets. Yet I do know that he love me because he know he will potentially never be in such a fight with me. sighhhhhhhhhhhhh............. I'm just glad we're not 3 wives in the same household. I think I'd be the one asked to tolerate and lay low and don't make waves and give way to the 1st and 2nd wife. hehehe... o dear.

but yet...

But yet, in my earlier discussions with him, he did tell me that no one has ever made him consider leaving his country for. And no one has ever made him consider or doubted the certainty of his relationship with Hani. BUT ME. And what I thought was them "loving each other to a point they exchange rings and vows though they can't be legitimately together" turns out to be only Hani's side of the story. And so... after I have gotten assured of his love... together we start to build a dream - OUR dream to be together... that though now he's stuck and can't promise me anything but he will sort things out with Hani, and Maria and kids, in the meanwhile I should not let opportunities pass me by if any, and if down the road, maybe 2 years if he is able to settle Maria and kids... he wanna be in Singapore to be with me. But now, after the considerations, he's sure he could never walk out on Maria and kids, and with Hani... he no longer say he will sort it out anymore, just telling me its shakier than ever, so I guess I'm left to assume that it's something that will disintegrate eventually. Anyway.. sadly to say, he has no more obligation towards me if we no longer share a dream. And he will continue to chat with her call her text her and maintain what's left of the relationship (don't rock the boat, and viv dont' make waves please~) so he can still have all the fun over at the blogs, enjoying the benefits of staying in friendship with her. I should just stay around to be his soulmate and best friends.

I wonder, what kind of love does he have for me? What does it mean when he say he love me more? For a man who is able to express himself so well in all those comments columns, it seem so vague. Is it just a feeling? Or does he just need to have woman around in his life who can't live without him? I know I have come to this condition. I cannot tolerate the thought that I'm now an extra pillow on the bed to give extra comfort. Probably the recent most favourite pillow that he will never wanna lose or throw away.. but on the bed.. the old pillows remain...

One old bolster (maria) which will stay no matter what, can't throw out due to history and sentimental reasons... One old pillow (huabs) was taken by one of his former best friend (Chris) and while he took it the pillow ripped apart. Another (marce) was thrown off the bed but that one doesnt really matter, it was used for fun, not for comfort plus bed was getting too crowdy. One last old pillow (hani) is now ripping at the seams because some others might have been using it and it might be a goner soon. So now... the latest newest freshest pillow (me) he had never have before... is the most precious .. and better not lose it because that means he will have to stick to the old bolster and the old ripping pillow that others have shared. HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAA OMG!!!! How did I ever come up with such a story???? It's kind of self destructive. I'm not giving myself any credit at all!! Oh gosh I am really so negative. Sigh... I was in cloud nine thinking I'm so cherished and treasured and feeling so secured and free, especially when I'm in London. Precious moments they are.. when we are in each other's embraced, moulding into each other. He felt so good so good so good.

Sigh... you know what?
Women are stupid.... correction.. .sometimes we willingly stay stupid. And because of love, we are willing to be blind too. Love is blind.
So for me right now.. all I want is to believe he truly loves me.. all I want to hear are his assurances.. all I want is still his love and undivided attention, and all I repeat in my mind are his words that say... "ying, I love you more... never forget that." No, I can't forget that. I take everything you say to me as choice morsels and I do seem to live on every word you say.. so how do I forget that you love me? Yet, it does seem like an illusion that I am holding on to.

Ok at least I have addressed a nagging thought. I should try to go back to bed now, if I can still sleep. I think he will be horrified by this horrible horrible thought and story i had come up with. *guffaws~!!!!* And he'll rightly call me .. "You silly rabit" and give me a knuckle on the head.

Sigh, why can't we be together? Why can't the good things last?