02/09 . Turning desparate

How do I fight pangs of jealousy?

Whenever I see all the messages, cute and flirty, witty joyous funny in all his friend's sites, I see the comparison to my own deserted desolate ground. The person whose presence I wanted most is the most scarce. And even when he visits, he leaves only the mildest of comments. Not sure why he still puts up the pic of him & her in Paris too, did he do that to please & appease her? What if I make a fuss too? What will he do to please me? Wouldn't that be exhausting? He made sure I don't create waves, yet he had no idea the kinds of waves created within me by his pure insensitivity towards me when he is pleasing others and proving things to Hani. Is that what he meant by love for me? Wasn't he supposed to shield me from pain too? I feel like closing and wrapping up everything, because it has become a source of pain, and not joy. I feel I should not have the need to attract him over to "my side", or to put up things so he can "come over and comment". I think the security of love should not come from the results of who gets the most visits or comments or attention.

I admit defeat.

After tomorrow, I think.. I will run away from it all.

I guess, I want to talk to him and have time with him tomorrow because I still value and cherish the love we share, and yes, let me at least have an anniversary. Yes, it's so drama, but I guess it will make this friendship, this closer than closest friend relationship count. But ET will be here the whole afternoon, i've forgotten about that. I can only hope he'll make time for me early in my sunday morning so i can see him for the last time perhaps. Perhaps he'll turn on the webcam just to allow me to see him. I have a feeling he will not agree to it. Sigh...

I'm sorry my darling... I have promised to be there forever, but I am dying every minute within. I need promises, I need words from you, but you are so far away, beyond my reach.

Are you still reaching out to me? Why can't I see your hand anymore? The hand that had held me so tightly when we're walking together..

And I know you have not come to visit this blog, because you still have no idea what I was going through. And I know you probably have not read all my emails, because of the questions you ask me. But I don't blame you, you have problems using Googlemail so I guess you could not tell if you have a new unread mail. But if my words are precious to you, probably you could have re visited every recent mail just to make sure you've not miss out on anything. And if you really do care so much, you'd probably come read what I've gone through once you can have the PC to yourself, because... I am the first thing on your mind. But it does seem to me that flirting over at Sue's and Hani's blogs and 360 and Friendster is where you'd spend your precious online hours at.

Perhaps my problem is, there is no more fun and cheer for me to offer you. It's all tears and intensity of dark emotions and it is driving you far away. Though you've said no matter how I am you will never run away from me. Perhaps you are not running away from me, but neither are you still running to me, or running after me..... I feel forgotten, I feel left aside... I am the one running to you, still running after you.

I hate it so much that I am making you seem like the monster, and I hate it that all you could say is sorry. I hate it that I am turning into a desparate woman and full of negative emotions.. needy, insecure, jealous, on the verge of breakdown, dependent, crying, emotional wreck, unstable, self centered.

I wish for a hero that could come and save me now.

When the truth about Phil happened and I should be despondent, you came along and saved me. But now, who will be my hero?

Perhaps getting out of my room and watching TV will help.
Perhaps, I'll just get back into bed and escape

...

Heyyyyyyyy!! YIPPY!! Just got a text from him!
He'll meet me for a chat at 11pm!! I hope I'll be able to provide a cheerful chat instead so that he'll enjoy my company again. And now, I'll find some distractions for the next 5 hours. Perhaps go for a walk with mum, get some fresh air, then shower, then dinner, then wait....
Sighhhhhhhh.... and my neck problem is getting worse.